Well, it's Sunday night (though by the time you read this, it will be Monday morning), and I'm sitting here in the dark and editing some photos on and off while Justin watches Avatar.
I still have no internet other than my Blackberry, which I generally regard as a huge inconvenience, but tonight I'm beginning to think that there may be a silver lining.
You see, I'm fully aware that on Monday or Tuesday I should be hearing back to find out whether the "mystery bruise" is in fact some type of scar tissue, or some rare type of skin cancer. And tonight, the fact that I am completely unable to spend hours online researching treatment plans and survival rates is a blessing. Because truthfully, I probably would be.
These past two weeks, except for a few small freak outs, I have been relatively worry-free about the mystery bruise. I am fully aware that being free of worry these past two weeks is a God thing--it certainly isn't a Meredith thing. I worry. About everything. It's what I do--even being in fourth or fifth grade, I can remember intentionally wearing my heaviest boots to the movie theater, just in case someone tried to hold everyone in the theater hostage--I could use my big heavy boots to kick them in the face and save the day. I worry. Excessively. About things that I can't control. It's always been there, really. So, I had been bracing myself for these past few weeks of waiting, but I have been relatively FREE of that worry, and I am so grateful for the peace that God has provided in my life right now.
But. BUT. Tonight, I'm freaking out a little bit. The phone call could come tomorrow. What if it's skin cancer?
I know that there's no sense in worrying tonight about what tomorrow will bring, especially since my own worrying won't do anything to change the outcome. The funny thing is that I've prayed...I've tried to surrender it to God. I've written down the small blessings in my life, and truly, I'm blessed beyond measure. I ran a mile and lifted, letting the endorphins wash over me and relieve some of my stress.
But. BUT. Still, the anxiety and the fear continue to roll over me like a giant wave. I'm having trouble shaking it. And really, it's not even so much the fear of skin cancer right now...it's the WAITING. I just want to know. And be able to move on, knowing which steps are next.
But really, it's about me learning to surrender. That worrying for enough hours tonight won't make it go away. That I have no control right now, but that God does. That God will not give me skin cancer as a punishment or a "test", nor would he "cure me" just because I've prayed hard enough or done enough good things. But. BUT that even if I do have skin cancer, God will walk me through it, providing me with comfort and strength. That even though sickness is not God's desire or doing, he could use even THAT for good...I just have to stop trying to control it and fix it on my own, and surrender.
"I surrender all
to the promises you made.
And I will give it all
to the maker of the day."
~Newsboys, I Surrender All