It's 4am and I just finished feeding Becca. She won't go back to sleep, but today I'm content to just lay here with her on my chest in the quiet as I read the news.
The news about yesterday's shooting in
Conneticut has changed since last night. Different information has surfaced, even down to the identity of the shooter, but my grief and emotions are largely the same--there is not a parent in the world who does not feel the weight of this.
The shooter has now been identified as a 20 year old man. Still a boy, really. And I just keep wondering--did he know?
I don't at all mean to absolve him of blame. The fact that he wore a bullet-proof vest as he walked into that school means to me that he knew. But did he know?
Did he know what it would mean to clean up little shoes strewn about the living room? Did he know what it would mean to the mom who dropped her kiddo off to school with relief for a few quiet hours after a rough morning that day? Did he know what it would mean for the parents who have Christmas gifts under the tree that will never be opened? Did he have nieces or nephews that age? Had he talked with a 1st grader and gotten to see how smart and funny they are? Did he think about all the lost teeth and first kisses and driver's licenses that these children would never have? Did he know how much it would hurt, and do it anyway, specifically for that reason?
It makes me want to throw up, all of it. The gaping hole of "why" that so many parents will never have answered. Seeing this be used to further political agendas on both sides of the coin--already, I've seen Facebook postings to the effect of "believe in gun control yet?" and "people want to know where God was--oh yeah, he isn't allowed in schools anymore" to which I just want to scream SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL AGENDA FOR ONE DAY.
There are real people dealing with a hurt so enormous...parents, siblings, first responders, reporters, teachers, friends. Relatives--of the victims, the survivors, AND the shooter. So much pain, and for what purpose?
Today, I'll hug my girls and my husband a little closer. I'll pray, because that's really all that I can do, and that's the only place peace comes for me now. I'll try to be more patient and kind. To soak up every blessing. And I won't forget--not yet. Even in the hustle and bustle of the next few weeks, as I go about errands and the daily grind, I will remember...even as none of it makes sense.
I doubt it ever will.