For the Days When Things Are Rough.

Today was apparently Someone Must Be Screaming At All Times Day. Normally, I can handle those sorts of days remotely well, but it's been a long week month six months, with not a lot of sleep mixed in. I knew Justin had to work late and I had to do the whole dinner & bedtime thing solo, and I was just feeling desperate. Desperate for quiet. Desperate to not be touched. Desperate for some recognition or appreciation or sleep.

We don't have a double stroller, so when I'm feeling touched-out and cooped-up like I was today, getting in the car is really the only option. So I grabbed the kiddos, and we went for a drive. Since just after college, when I'm most angsty, I tend to listen to either Sublime, or a little Christian band called Byword. But at this point in my life, it's easier to forgo the Sublime, and not have to worry about when my kiddo might start singing "Wrong Way." So. I listened to I Cry. On repeat. I drove for a half an hour--to church and back three or four times.


And at one point during the drive, before they both calmed down and Becca finally fell asleep (also before I turned the music up really loud and started singing at the top of my lungs),  I found myself thinking, 'I kinda understand those moms who just run away. I always used to hear about them, and wonder how someone got to be that crazy, but I think now I know.' 

Then, I thought, 'Um. That's some pretty extreme thinking. This is probably one of those things that I should never ever, under any circumstances tell someone that I actually thought.' And yet, here I am writing it for all the world to see a few hours later...so that went well, clearly. No, but really. I know I'm not the only mom who has felt like she doesn't necessarily want to run away forever, but that a day or two might be nice. God forbid we say it out loud though, because then we may seem ungrateful. Because there are so many people who have it worse. And that's true, of course. But sometimes I wish that a friend had pulled me aside back when I was pregnant with Becca and whispered, "It will be amazing. But it will also be really really exhausting and hard. The two aren't mutually exclusive. It's okay to not love every second of every day."

So this is me, pulling you aside. It's hard. There is a tiredness unlike any tiredness I've ever experienced. At this point, I'm so tired that even a good night's sleep is a curse, because rather than rejuvenating me, it only serves to remind me just how tired I am.

There is laundry and cleaning that never gets done because 33% of your day is spent feeding one child, 33% of your day is spent trying to toss together meals, cleaning up pee and/or spit-up, doing laundry, and have a coherent conversation with your spouse, and the other 33% is spent playing with the toddler child, trying to make up for the other 66% of the day that you weren't readily available. And yet somehow, when the toddler is asked what she knows about mothers during the Children's Message at church on Mother's Day, she will STILL reply, "My mom NEVER plays with me. She is always too busy."

{Yes, I cried.}

The point is...sometimes, it's hard. Sometimes you may feel under appreciated. Under dressed. Under loved. Under caffeinated. Under prepared. Sometimes you may feel like you're in it alone. And when we feel like we're in it alone, like everybody else has a handle on things and can seem to manage both basic housekeeping and hygiene just fine while I'm over here swinging through Taco Bell for lunch and trying to remember when the last time I took a shower was...when we feel alone that way, it's harder. You're not alone. Whether at 3am or while your toddler is melting down in the middle of Target. There are days that suck, and that's okay to feel and say. 

There are SO MANY good moments. We all know this. But it still doesn't mean that there won't be long, hard days where you feel like nothing is going right and you just want to crawl back in bed. That's why the brilliant article "To Parents of Small Children" resonates with so many of us. It's the truth. There's good. There's hard. They often co-exist in this thing called parenting. And that's okay.

There's days where I lose it. Thankfully, there's grace, laughter, smiles, an occasional margarita, and moments that make your heart feel so full it might burst mixed in as well.

If you're in the good, soak it up and file it away for the harder days in the future. If you're in the hard, take a breath and do what you've got to do to get through the day. However you're feeling today? Just know that you're not alone.

You Were Always There: On Faith.

Note: Over the course of the past three days, I feel like there have been a number of events that have led up to this post. I just feel like this issue has slammed me again and again, to the point where I can't just sit idly by and not say something. I recognize that my position and beliefs are not shared by most of the people who probably read this blog, and that's okay. I'd just ask that you take a minute to consider what I have to say...

A few days ago, Lizzy was in her room for quiet time. It had been a rough day, and I was trying to get Becca down for a nap, and was getting flustered that she was just screaming and screaming. Soon, I heard Lizzy start to sing to herself, as she often does during quiet time. Sometimes, it's nonsensical songs that she's made up herself, but this particular day, she started to sing:

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before, O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

I peeked my head in the room, and said, "Hey Lizzy, whatcha singing about?" 

She responded, "I'm singing about God mama!"

"Lizzy, you're pretty awesome, do you know that?"

Lizzy shrugged and then said, "I know. God made me that way."

................................................................................................

Yesterday, I was catching up on a book that I'm reading for a Bible Study I'm doing with a group of Mom's from Mom's Group. So far, I've really enjoyed the book and have gotten a lot out of it. But yesterday, I got to a section of the book that made me so frustrated, that I actually threw the book across the room. Essentially, what I took away from the passage was, 'Perhaps you've always gone to church, were baptized, or even confirmed. But none of those things really make you a Christian, unless you were old enough to really understand what you were saying. So, if you're not sure whether you're saved, pray the Sinner's Prayer with me right now, ask God into your heart, and then you'll know for sure that you're saved.'

................................................................................................

Recently, a 7 year old girl that I know had someone ask her if she had asked Jesus into her heart. They continued on to encourage her that she needed to ask Jesus into her heart in order to make sure that she was saved, because she was baptized as an infant, and since she was too young to know what was happening, it didn't really count. It wasn't enough, especially since she wasn't fully submerged. She turned to her mom, and said, "Mom, why do I need to ask Jesus into my heart when he's already there?" 

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Tonight, I sat down, excited to begin a devotional Bible reading program on my phone. I settled in to read the introduction, and came across the following paragraph: "Have you ever heard someone say 'I’ve been a Christian all my life' and felt a little funny about that? It’s not just about splitting hairs or semantics because the bad news is once we were not His people. Being found isn’t as beautiful if you don’t admit you were once lost." 

................................................................................................

I've been a Christian all my life.

I was baptized when I was young. I wasn't dunked, I was sprinkled.

I never said the Sinner's Prayer. In fact, I'd never even heard that term until a few years ago.

I don't remember a specific moment when I asked Jesus into my heart.

I don't have a dramatic story of coming out of the darkness and into the light. 

There were times that I had a relationship with God, and times that I didn't. 

I continue to sin every single day of my life, and am daily in need of forgiveness.

But He was always there. He *is* always there.

Can I speak frankly, friends? I'm sort of tired of being told that my baptism wasn't real because I was too young to speak for myself. Or that I need to be baptized again to be saved because I was sprinkled and not dunked. Or that even when affirming my faith during First Communion, I didn't really know what I was saying or what it meant. I'm tired of brothers and sisters in Christ implying that my faith isn't "real" because I haven't said the Sinner's Prayer or can't remember a specific time when I asked Jesus into my heart.

Is salvation something that I receive based on what I've done? Once I've gone through a checklist of criteria? No. Salvation is by grace, through faith. The doing has already been done on the cross. And that faith part? It's simple. Straightforward, even. "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved," (Romans 10:9, NIV). 

Can we, as brothers and sisters in Christ acknowledge that such a declaration can be made in 1,000 different ways? Through saying the Apostle's Creed during a weekly church service.  By saying the Sinner's Prayer. By a little child singing Jesus Loves Me. By asking Jesus into our heart. By a simple prayer of "God, I believe, please help my disbelief." There are SO MANY different scenarios that I can't possibly list them all.

It's not my job--EVER--to tell someone that maybe, possibly,*I* think they might not actually be saved, so they should do X,Y, and Z to make sure that they really are. It's not my job--EVER--to tell a child that they don't really understand what they're saying, or that they're not old enough to really believe. Lizzy understands. She lives out her faith in the simplest ways, sometimes with a purer understanding of God's truth than I have. During swimming lessons (and in Wal-Mart, and in the car, and while going to the bathroom), she often sings a song that she made up at the top of her lungs. Part of it goes like this: 

I'm so happy that Jesus is alive. 

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ the Lord is alive!

And he saaaaaavvvvvveeeeedddddd me! 

She knows. She believes. She is saved. And as she gets older, I hope she never ever has to hear anyone tell her that her faith isn't as "beautiful" as someone else's because she had that faith from the time that she was young. Because honestly, that's crap. It hurts my heart. God rejoices in each one of our stories of faith. Whether that story starts at birth, 3, 15,  21, 52, 77, or on our deathbed. Whether that story starts in a loving home, a moment of terror, a hospital room, or a prison cell. Whether we ask Jesus into our heart, or whether we can't ever remember a time without Him there. To God, every story that entails the simple truth of Romans 10:9 is equally as beautiful. Equally as worthy. Equally as deserving of celebration. 

And assembled as one, in the name of the Son

lifting hearts, lifting hands, celebrating as friends

and proclaiming the Lord, all our praises afford

we are brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Letter to Becca: 5 months

Dear Becca,

I'm totally in denial that you are almost six months old. As far as I'm concerned, you were born yesterday. It sure does feel like it sometimes! But clearly, you weren't born yesterday. In fact, just last Wednesday, you started crawling. And then yesterday, you started this:

I had to include this last one, even though it's blurry, because it just so perfectly captured this little mischevious gleam that you get in your eye whenever you decide to try and stand. I really would like to push you over, because I'm totally not ready for this to be happening. Heck, I thought your sister was a ridiculously early mover, and she didn't even start to crawl until well after six months. So frankly, the fact that you are already crawling AND also trying to stand? Kinda terrifies me!

During the day, you are usually one of the sweetest, happiest babies I know. You love playing peek-a-boo, being tickled, and doing anything with your sister (you love her so much!). You've been babbling a ton, and even do this sort of "humming" while you're nursing. You are quick to smile and laugh, which I have to admit is a huge blessing, because it kinda off-sets the rough nights we've had around here lately. Sweet girl, you just do not sleep at night. As a general rule, you don't sleep between midnight and 5am ish. I might get a 30 minute stretch here or there, but not typically any more than that. The tough thing is that when you're up in the middle of the night, sometimes NOTHING will calm you down. Not being held/rocked/shushed/patted, etc. You just cry. For about an hour. Then I get you calm enough to sleep, and you sleep for about a half hour, and then we start the cycle all over.

It's especially rough because I'm usually the one who is up with you, and I'm not sure that your dad really understands just how sleep deprived I am right now. When you're not the one in the trenches, it can be easy to forget that sleep deprivation affects everything else and basically makes you feel like you cannot function in any aspect of life. I've felt pretty overwhelmed and maxed out for a couple weeks now, and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle not sleeping coupled with someone in our family having something scheduled every night of the week and just being go-go-go all the time. When Lizzy was a baby, I still felt like I could (mostly) keep up with our crazy busy schedule, because even if she wasn't sleeping at night, I could still sleep whenever she decided to during the day. This time around, with having a toddler, that's just not an option. Something has to give, and soon. Because I almost completely lost my cool and had a complete meltdown last night when your grandpa asked your dad to cover something for him on a Friday night later next month.  I wanted to yell NO NO NO NO NO. As far as I'm concerned, no one is allowed to do anything else. At all. I don't care how small. Because we were maxed out 25 small things ago. NO NO NO NO NO. But I digress.

So. It's been a kind of rough adjustment and couple of months for me, but somehow that roughness still doesn't even really begin to touch the sweet moments with you sweet girl--the smiles, and the giggles, and the open mouthed slobbery kisses.

Love you forever and for always, no matter what.
Mom

And then she yelled it.

Have you ever had one of those days that's so beyond ridiculous that you're waiting for someone to pop out from behind something and say, "Smile! You're on candid camera!" Yeah. That was today. It was ridiculous you guys. RIDICULOUS. I'm really not sure how such a perfect storm of things could all have managed to align specifically on today, but they did.

We'd planned to have a playdate with some friends today, but they were sick. So instead, I decided to run to the next town over to run some errands. As usual, we got out of the house later than I intended, because I set Becca down to grab something right before sticking her in her car seat...only she fell asleep on the floor.

So two hours later, we're finally on our way. As we're driving, I realize that it's 12:30 and I haven't fed Lizzy lunch. So, we swing into Sonic. I see a sign that says kids meals are $1.99 on Wednesdays. Perfect. I see another sign advertising an adult cheeseburger meal for $5. Great. I order the $5 cheeseburger meal and the kids meal.

"That'll be $11.62," she says. On a normal day, kids meals are like $3.20 or something, so this does not make sense in any way shape or form.

"Ummmm...aren't the kids meals $1.99? And my meal should be $5, right?"

"Yes ma'am. Please pull ahead." I'm no math genius, but I know that $5 + $1.99 does not equal $11.62. So, at the window, I say the same thing again--my meal is $5, and Lizzy's meal is $1.99 They close the window and call over three more people. A few minutes later, they open up the window.

"That'll be 10.18," she says.

"I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make any sense," I reply. The window shuts again. The employees talk again. Becca starts hysterically screaming because she's hungry. Lately, when she's hungry, it's like instant hysteria. No discernible warning signs. No fussing or slow melt so you have some warning that the feeding is going to have to happen soon. Just instantaneous, high pitched, hysterical shrieking. The window opens back up again.

"That'll be $9.18," she says.

Now. I still know that $5 and $1.99 don't equal $9.18. I'm not even sure where $9.18 came from. But at this point, Becca is screaming so loud that I can't even think straight, and it's not worth the extra $2.19 to sit and argue with Sonic for another 15 minutes, so I just pay, and we continue on. I hand Lizzy her hamburger, and we keep driving, me figuring that I'll feed Becca in the car before we head into our first stop, Wal-Mart.

Three minutes later, we get to Wal-Mart. Becca is now asleep. I go to get Lizzy out of the car, and discover that she has not eaten ANY of her hamburger. No. She's taken it apart, and shoved each individual piece (meat, bun, pickles) into some little compartment in the door. Amazing. I clean that up.

As I'm cleaning, I somehow pull the entire open diaper bag off the seat of the car, and the entire thing spills out under the car. So then, I'm laying on the ground in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot, trying to fish things out from under the car.

I finally collect everything. Becca's still asleep. I unbuckle Lizzy. I then find a plastic baggie of meatballs in her carseat. I have no idea when these meatballs are from. Only that I haven't made meatballs recently, nor do I remember giving Lizzy a bag of them. If I had to guess, I'd probably guess that they're from Easter at grandma and grandpa's house. But I didn't know that any came home with us, so I also have no idea how many came home with us. I say a quick prayer that Lizzy did NOT happen to decide to eat those instead of her hamburger.

We finally make it inside. Lizzy immediately says, "No mom, I don't have to go to the bathroom. I will tell you if I do." Great. We start shopping. About 3 minutes in, Lizzy says she has to go to the bathroom. We're in the back of the store, so we head to the bathrooms there. I unpack us all, leave the cart, and say a silent thank you for family bathrooms. Once we get inside, Lizzy cries and carries on because this bathroom has a little potty, but does not have a little sink. She wants to go to the bathroom at the front of the store instead. I say no. Lizzy then proceeds to sit on the potty and sing at the top of her lungs for 20 minutes before I finally make her get up so we can continue shopping. My allergies are driving me crazy, and I feel like I'm constantly rubbing under my nose. Oye vey.

Three minutes later, Becca wakes up. And she is pissed. And screaming. And hysterical. I re-direct our cart to the dressing rooms to feed her, but abandon that plan once I see a bench in the middle of the store. I park it there, whip out a blanket, and start feeding Becca. People stare as they walk by BIG TIME. One older lady full-on glares. I feel like that mom in the Luvs commercial {please tell me that y'all know the one}, and I seriously don't even care. I'm feeding my kid! I've got this under control! I'm super mom!

About two minutes into feeding Becca, Lizzy starts squirming. I know this squirm. It's the potty squirm. Sure enough, she screams, "I THINK I HAVE TO PEE!" Great. I tell her to hold it for a minute while Becca finishes nursing the first side, and then we head back to the bathroom. Becca's ticked because she's not done eating, so I'm carrying her while she's crying and flailing around, and trying to push the cart. People are still staring, and by now I'm kind of fuming.

And then. AND THEN. And then, we get to the bathroom, and I see that I have white powder ALL. OVER. ME. WHAT. THE. HECK?!? It's all over my face, under my nose. All over. And I have no idea what it is. A quick examination later, and I figure out that it's Becca's teething tablets. When the diaper bag fell out of the car, the lid to the teething tablets broke. I didn't realize it, and tossed the whole thing back into the diaper bag...the interior of which is now COVERED in fine white powder.

I also realize that people weren't staring/glaring at me because I was breastfeeding with a cover...they were staring at me because I WAS COVERED IN WHITE DUST and straight-up looked like a crazy druggie with all the white dust under my nose. I wish I'd thought to take a picture so that you all could understand just how crazytown I looked, but I didn't. Trust me though, I looked like a straight up druggie. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up on People of Wal-Mart sometime in the near future. It was that absurd. So, I clean up. We finish up in the bathroom. I nurse Becca on the other side. No one stares. We continue shopping.

A little while later, Lizzy points to some nail polish and says, "Give me that NOW!"

I tell her that no, I won't be giving that to her, and that it is not okay for her to talk to me like that. She tells me that she's going to say a naughty word. We've just recently watched the Ramona & Beezus movie, and in the movie, Ramona says that she's going to say a naughty word, and then yells "GUTS!" Lizzy's done this several times since when she was frustrated, so I know what's coming. Sure enough, she says "GUTS!" Loudly.

And then she starts to rhyme. 

"BUTTS!" she says loudly.

"Cuts!" she says happily. Great, if rhyming is the key to changing her mood, that's fine by me.

"BITS!" she says.

"PITS!"

And then. AND THEN she yelled it. Lizzy screamed, "TITS!"

I am 100% certain she's never head that particular word before. She was just rhyming. But of course, it happened that this would be the word she chooses to scream. And of course, she just so happens to scream it right as the same lady who previously glared at me {which I now know is because I looked like a druggie, nursing my kid while my face was covered in white dust, but she probably still thinks I AM a druggie} pushes her cart right on by.

She gasped. Loudly. It was awesome.

And then...any guesses what Lizzy said next?

"Mom? I have to go potty."

It was an awesome day. 

And that's not even counting finally getting in line, and waiting for 20 minutes behind an old lady who wrote 10 different checks for what she was purchasing. Or the two more times we went to the bathroom while at Wal-Mart. Or the fact that both kids fell asleep in the car after leaving Wal-Mart, so I never got to run the other errands that I specifically drove to the next town to do (so basically, even though there's a Wal-Mart here, I drove to the next town over to visit their Wal-Mart just for kicks). Or the fact that I'm supposed to be working out right now, but instead I'm writing this in the car because of the car seat naps. Or the fact that Lizzy isn't wearing a pullup, and isn't potty trained for naps yet, so I'm sure that's going to be fun too.

Really, it was ridiculous. But also? Kind of funny. And I think {hope} that this is the stuff that I'll look back on someday, and laugh. Because REALLY. The day couldn't have been more ridiculous if I'd tried. 

Letter to Becca: 3 & 4 Months

Dear Becca,

You've reached this strange point in infancy where I can't believe that you're already four months, and I also can't believe that you're only four months all at the same time. I'd meant to write your three month letter sooner, and then the weeks flew by with hardly a moment to breathe, and here we are at four months already. It took longer to lapse into combined month letters for Lizzy, but here we are already with you.

So, the last few months, you've really grown into a little person with a little personality and little preferences.You're quick to smile and laugh. When you're excited (especially when you know you're about to get to nurse), you kick your little legs like crazy. You also love books, which we're all completely thrilled about.

You seem to prefer to spend time on your stomach (opposed to your back), and in the last two months, you've really mastered rolling. Aside from an occasional stuck shoulder, you can generally roll however you want-- which is usually off the blanket that I've laid you on. In fact, just last weekend, you rolled yourself right into the kitchen! Over the last couple of days, you've also started scooting, and like to try to pull yourself onto all fours, though you don't stay that way for very long. Sometimes you can tripod sit unassisted, sometimes you just topple over.

Over the course of the past few months, you've also started waking very frequently at night. I'll admit, I'd kind of forgotten about the 4 month wakeful, and how hard it is--just like with your sister, we got a teaser of a few nights of REAL sleep, which just makes the transition to waking every hour or two again even more brutal. About a week ago, after a particularly rough couple of nights sleep-wise, your sister asked if she could watch Dora and hold you before bed. I was bone tired, and so I let her...and I couldn't believe my eyes, but you fell right asleep on Lizzy's lap! One interesting difference between you and Lizzy--you really love to have something snuggly up against your face while you're falling sleep, be it stuffed animal or blanket. Lizzy was not that way at all! She wouldn't even hold any of the stuffed animals that people gave us--it was only when SHE picked out a stuffed animal herself at the store that she started to like one, and she became fiercely attached to "Baa-Baa"! So far, as long as it is soft, you love it, and haven't formed an attachment to any one over the other--it'll be interesting to see if you do as you get older.

Let's see...what else? You seem like you're teething, but teeth haven't actually popped through, so who knows. Also, you've actually tasted "real" food. With Lizzy, I was kind of obsessed about waiting until 6 months until we let her try anything. Since then, I've kind of come to realize that every kid is different, and the "rules" may or may not apply. Lately, you've been really interested in trying to grab food off our plates at meals, and so when you grabbed for some banana, I let you try some. Sometimes you're interested in trying food and sometimes you're not. I'm not sure why, but with Lizzy I think I thought that once we "went there" with solids, that we had to jump to solids as a form of nutrition. With you, you're definitely still breastfeeding as the main form of nutrition, and occasionally tasting a bite or two of food when you seem interested. And I'm okay with that.

We've also been babywearing you a bit more than we wore your sister, which I think is pretty typical for second kiddos. Your dad even wore you for the first time over the weekend, and true to form, he went all out on his first attempt at it, wearing you while we walked a 5k! I've gotta say, there's something pretty hot about a dad wearing a baby. Ahem. You probably did not need to know that. But it's true. And I hope that someday you're lucky enough to have a husband who is just as great as your dad.

 
Love you a bushel and a peck,
Mom

On the Desexualization of "Sexy".

Over the weekend, I was watching Food Network. One of the personalities quipped something to the effect of, "That steak looks sexy."

Later, I switched over to HGTV. It wasn't long before I heard one of their hosts refer to granite counters as being sexy.

Later still, I flipped open the latest issue of Better Homes & Gardens, and in an article about curb appeal, there it is again: "It might not be sexy, but cleaning is an important part of curb appeal."

...............................................................

Let's try this again, shall we?

It might not be enjoyable, but cleaning is an important part of curb appeal.
 
It might not be pleasurable, but cleaning is an important part of curb appeal.

It might not be fun, but cleaning is an important part of curb appeal.

...............................................................

Those granite counters are so beautiful.

Those granite counters are so classy.

Those granite counters are so gorgeous.

Those granite counters are so stunning.

...............................................................

That steak looks excellent.

That steak looks great.

That steak looks top-notch.

That steak looks exceptional.

............................................................... 

I'm sorry, I must have missed the memo that "sexy" became a synonym for fun, excellent, and beautiful. Apparently the thesaurus did too, as you'll note that sexy is no where to be found in any of the synonym lists above.  In fact, here's the entry for sexy:

Look, I'm not against the word "sexy" when used in proper context. There's a time and a place for that. But why are we desexualizing (and devaluing, in my opinion) the word "sexy", and using it to describe everything from mops to steaks to counters to cleaning? Those things aren't sexy, actually, and I don't understand why we're using the word to describe them.

Well, actually...I do understand why. By desexualizing sexy, we're also desensitizing ourselves to "sexy". Think about it: it is why a toddler dancing along to LMFO's "I'm Sexy and I Know It" has 622,000+ views on You Tube, and most of the comments consist of things like 'so cute!' and 'every day he's shufflin!'. It's why when we hear a kid singing "Heeeeyyyyy sexy lady", our first reaction generally isn't to cringe, but to start doing the ridiculous Psy pony dance.

I think it's obvious that kids aren't sexy. And if someone were audacious enough to say that they thought they were, child services would probably become involved immediately. But yet, I can't tell you the frequency with which I see toddlers and their parents singing along to "I'm sexy and I know it" at a stoplight. I don't generally like to point fingers at other parents and shame their decisions as a parent, but seriously, can we stop this friends? If we don't want others to describe our toddlers and young children as "sexy", can we please stop allowing them to describe themselves that way? Can we please stop using the word "sexy" as if it were interchangeable for "fun" or "excellent" or "beautiful"? Because it's not.

The word "sexy" has value. The word "sexy" has a place. This just isn't it.

Attack of the Brain-Eating Babies

I can vividly remember a few {*cough* many *cough} years ago, talking with another one of my unmarried, childless friends about a mutual acquaintance from high school, who had just had her second child.

"I mean, it's like having babies ate her brain," I quipped. "Seriously, is it that difficult to remember to make one measly phone call? I just don't understand how someone so smart and intelligent could suddenly become so flaky. It's like she just can't multi-task any more, poor thing! She seems so overwhelmed! Bless her heart, she wrote me an email the other day and misspelled 'exception' repeatedly...she used to be such a perfectionist about spelling!" And then my unmarried, childless, friend and I both laughed, because it was true. We loved our our mutual acquaintance, but she had become flaky, and we just didn't understand why or how.

Years later, I had Lizzy, and puffed up with self-righteousness because even after a baby, I could still remember things. I could multi-task. I'd see someone at the store, and they'd ask me to send an email out about photography, and I'd remember by the time I got home. People asked how I'd find time to blog, or read, and I'd reply, "I just make the time." Looking back, that sounds terribly self righteous and holier than thou, but it was just my reality then. Having Lizzy changed our reality some, but not a ton.

And then I had Becca, and I realized that the second babies must come equipped with some special brain-eating feature that no one told me about. Because y'all? I cannot remember anything. I can no longer multi-task. I AM that mom that I poked fun at before. Heck, it took me five tries to correctly spell "acquaintance" from earlier in this blog post.

A few days ago, Justin saw my to-do list that I'd left on the table. I hadn't gotten around to physically crossing off anything that I'd accomplished yet, so Justin was calling things out to me and crossing them off for me. Our conversation went a little like this:

Justin: Did you clean up the living room?
Me: Yes, even though you already can't tell.
Justin: Did you take Lizzy to swimming lessons?
Me: Yes.
Justin: Did you prep dinner?
Me: UGH! No! I totally forgot to pull meat out of the freezer.
Justin: That's okay--pizza night! Did you update the church website?
Me: I forgot again. I need some time to do that tonight.
Justin: Did you call Kaitlin's grandma back?
Me: Oh no! I forgot again! Crap!
Justin: Did you order a new remote for the new dvd player (don't ask)?
Me: For the love! No. I forgot.
Justin: Did you put Lizzy's fitted sheet back on her bed?
Me: Um, it's now sitting in her room instead of the living room floor.
Justin: Did you do Bible Study?
Me: I moved the books from the bedroom to the kitchen table...and then got distracted by a crying baby.
Justin: Did you pay the water bill?
Me: I have no idea. I already can't remember.

I STILL haven't remembered to update the website, order a new remote, or call back Kaitlin's grandma. Of course, I only seem to remember these things between the hours of midnight and 3am. Don't let her big old grin fool you folks, Becca is a straight-up brain eating baby. And I have become a straight-up frazzled, can't remember anything mama.

 It's worth it.

Book Review: The Silent Land by Graham Joyce

Source: goodreads.com via Meredith on Pinterest

From the back of the book: When Jake and Zoe are buried under a flash avalanche while skiing in the French Pyrenees, they miraculously dig their way out from under the snow—only to discover the world they knew has been overtaken by an eerie and absolute silence. With their phones cut off, and the village evacuated of every living soul, the young married couple begin to witness strange, unsettling events neither one can ignore. And as the days wear on, they are forced to confront frightening possibilities as they attempt to survive and escape the silent land they now inhabit.

 .....................................................................

A lot of people look at me like I have three heads when I say that I think Stephen King is one of the best writers of our generation. I know why--his writing is graphic, and sometimes it's hard to get past that graphic horror. BUT. The man can write. If you haven't already read 11/22/63, please read it. It's one of a very small handful of books that I can read over and over. But back to the point--I respect Stephen King as an author and a literary critic, and he's recommended several Graham Joyce novels. So, when I saw that our local library actually had several Graham Joyce novels (the stock at my local library is abysmal), I decided to give The Silent Land a try first, only because I liked the cover best. I totally love a good book cover design, and this is one of the best I've seen in awhile. Yep, I went there...I judge books by their covers.

Anyway, it took me a bit to really get into the book--I felt like I was stuck on the first chapter for days. But once I did get into it, it was a quick read that I really enjoyed. I hadn't read anything about The Silent Land prior to reading it, but I think that it's probably been marketed as a supernatural thriller, which I would say is not exactly correct. I figured out the "twist" easily, and I think a good portion of readers will be able to do the same. Although there are elements of suspense and drama, it's really about Jake and Zoe, and their relationship--the secrets, the special moments, the frustration, and the love between them in the midst of a very Twilight Zone esque situation. And it was that relationship part that I really loved the most. It was that part that made me still enjoy every minute of the book even after I figured out the twist. 

Also? There's an appropriate conclusion. Hallelujah on toast! Overall? Best book I've read in 2013 so far:

Life.

Recently, several real-life people have asked about the slow-down on my blog. And the short answer is that Justin has not had a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday at home since the first week in January. That, coupled with a number of week-night meetings and the fact that Lizzy doesn't nap anymore, I've basically been in straight-up survival mode. Having two kids has been an adjustment. Two kids and not as much parental backup as I'm used to? Harder. Things have been busy, good, amazing, exhausting, but there just hasn't been time for me to breathe, let alone blog. Last night, I told Justin that I've been so tired, I haven't even been dreaming when I go to bed...it's eyes closed, eyes open.

Last night, I did finally dream...and my dream was that Justin went out of town for work, but when I went to pick him up on his way home, it turned out he was actually getting out of jail. Dreams are weird. Freud would probably have a field day with that one.

Anyway, I miss you all. Here's what we've been up to:

 1. A girl and her dad | 2. Couch snuggles | 3. Becca smiles | 4. Preschool at home |

 5. A sort-of date night at a church fundraiser | 6. Lots of library time | 7. Sickies abound |

8. Early-morning Insanity | 9. Good eats

 10. School time | 11. Swimming lessons | 12. Library time | 13. Baby jeans | 14. Disaster house | 

15. New couch!!! | 16. Jaxon and Lizzy | 17. Silly faces | 18. Sister love

 19. I did a DIY haircut and cut off 7 inches | 20. More good eats |

 21. Solo trip to church. Forgot to brush my teeth. | 22. Time at a recording studio |

 23. Bough half a cow | 24. Sister time | 25. Snuggle time | 26. Pizza date | 27. Sillies

Snippety do dah...

-Justin and I re-started Insanity. We get up at 5am most days to do it before J goes to work (Thursdays will be even earlier). It's both ROUGH and awesome. Trying to push through the 1st week. But right now? It's not even 8am and I could fall asleep standing up.

-With our current living room arrangement, our backs are to the hallway. Well, recently I've noticed that Lizzy is talking about different TV shows or movies...that we watched well after we put her to bed. And I'm not okay with that. The only othet feasible living room arrangement that would prevent her from being able to see the TV from the hallway would involve a sectional....which I REALLY want to do for 1000 reasons,  including that a lighter colored couch could help the living room from feeling so cavernous,  but I also really do not want to spend the money for. I wish sectionals fell from the sky!

-I haven't been able to stomach milk or yogurt since Becca was born. I've never been a big milk person, but I used to love yogurt. I think milk (but not cheese?) bothers Becca, so maybe it is my body's way of working that out. Anyway, I tried almond milk this AM anf it is awesome. 

-Now that Becca is napping for (slightly) longer chunks during the day, we're trying to do school time for Lizzy again. She's got letters and their sounds down, so now I need to start focusing on time--days of the week, months, etc. I want to make some sort of felt board or something but am totally overwhelmed by the possibilities. So I've done nothing, ha!

-I think Becca is teething? At three months?!?

-I meant to add some photos to this, but if I don't get up now, I'll fall asleep for sure. So....sorry. I know, posts without pictures suck.

Now....to figure out how to shower before swim lessons today...

Letter to Becca: Two Months

Becca,

You are smiling! And laughing! This month, you really started interacting with us, and it is just so much fun to watch you grin when your dad gets home from work, or watch you track your sister as she runs around the room. I sort of feel like you went from a newborn to a four month old (and I think you look a lot like your sister did at about that age)--you're already trying your hand at tripod sitting and rolling over. I think we may have another early walker on our hands. 

 We went to the doctor this month, and you weigh 12 pounds! I don't remember when Lizzy hit that point, but I feel like it was MUCH later, like maybe 7 or 8 months! I'm thankful that you've been much more interested in nursing than your sister is. There are still some days (and nights!) that you want to eat every hour, but for the most part, we've settled into a more predicable 3-4 hour schedule.

You are a total snuggle bug, sweet girl. You really would prefer to be hold 24/7, and especially for naps. We've been babywearing a lot more than I ever wore Lizzy at this point, and are still figuring out which sort of carrier works best for you and me. 

Love you a bushel and a peck (and a hug around your neck), 

Mom

On Video Killed the Radio Star & Other Things

I kind of wanted to title this post "Instagram killed the Blogging Star", but worried that like Jennifer Lawrence's quip about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes, the pop culture reference would be lost on many, and then y'all would think I'm too big for my britches.

But really, it has kind of killed my blogging. I'm finding that things I would've blogged about before, like the hilarious story of trying to teach Lizzy how to pedal a bike yesterday....I've already shared on Instagram, at least partially.

And on one hand, I LOVE Instagram. Because it's easier. It always comes with a photo, which I love. And most of all, it's faster. And when your house looks like this...

...and your toddler doesn't nap anymore, and your baby eats every 2 hours, and your husband has worked 6 out of the last 7 days and will work 6 out of the next 7, and you just took your first shower in four days, and you haven't managed to eat your food or drink your coffee while it was still warm in a week, and you haven't even watched Bones (and you KNOW it's bad if I haven't even managed to watch the ballroom dancing episode on my DVR yet)....well, faster is better.

And I love Instagram for that. I love that I'm still able to know what's going on in your lives even if I only have 5 minutes to spare. I love seeing your photos, because photos straight up speak to my soul. Instagram is amazing for that.

But, as the type of person who learns by writing, I also tend to process by writing. I write my prayers in a prayer journal. I still fire off long missives to my college roommates Lisa and Sara on a semi-regular basis, especially if I'm trying to work through something. I crave that writing at times, and I hate not being able to do it on the regular, if only for my own sanity.

I think I quipped to Leah a few weeks ago that with Instagram, it's like texting every day with a friend versus the meeting for a two-hour dinner once every few months that is the blogging world. I'm not sure which is better. Sometimes, the quantity brings about a different type of closeness. Sometimes, it's more important to have that quality. I don't know that one is better than the other--they're just different. And that's okay.

And if you're on Instagram and we haven't connected yet? Let's do. Because in this season? It's about all you're getting ;)

Lizzy: Making Target Customers Laugh since 2010.

 

 Sweet Lizzy--This past Thursday, you turned THREE. I can hardly believe it. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday that you were born, and in other ways sometimes it feels like you must be at least five already! Lately, you've been saying and doing some of the most hilarious things, and I've been making an effort to write them down so that I won't forget. Here's just a few from this past month:

(in the Target bathroom)

Lizzy: I'm so cold. I want to take off my sweatshirt.

Me: Do you mean that you're warm?

L: That's what I said, Mom!

Me: Well, you may not take off your sweatshirt because it is winter. It's snowing outside, and you're only wearing a tank top under your sweatshirt.

L: THAT IS A SAD CHOICE YOU ARE MAKING.

(the lady in the stall next to us begins to laugh)

Me: I'm sorry you think that. In the summer, you may wear tank tops.

L: When I am older, I WILL SHOW MY ARMPITS IN THE WINTER. It will be my choice!

(Another lady begin laughing quietly)

Me: Yes, when you're older, you can make that choice.

L: And I will tell my children to wear tank tops in the winter.

Me: Oh really?

Lizzy sighs heavily, like I just don't have a clue, and then replies, "No mom! My children can not make that choice, 'cause then they would get cold and sick!"

(At this point, there were at least five ladies totally cracking up in the Target bathroom). 

Lizzy: Mom, I decided last month not to get married. It is not my choice.

(five minutes later)

Lizzy: Actually. I decided to marry Leah's father next week if he has some time off work. He is a nice guy, but he will have to ask my Uncle Ryan first.

{Leah is Lizzy's imaginary friend, FYI}

Lizzy: I can't find my pink hairtie. The fairies took it to pink hairtie heaven!

(upon opening a present wrapped in a pullups box on Christmas)

Lizzy: How did you know that I have wanted Dora pullups FOR MY WHOLE LIFE?!

Lizzy: If I mess up my beautiful hair, that would be very dangerous to me. It is NOT OKAY. 

(upon walking into the bedroom while I was changing)

Lizzy: Oh mom! I just love your new boobs! They are perfect and awesome!

Edited to add--I just realized that these photos make perfect sense to me
 to go along with this birthday-ish post, but may not make one bit of sense to anyone else--
so, by way of explanation, we gave Lizzy swimming lessons, a new suit, and goggles for her birthday!

The Next Two Days

This week was probably poor planning on my part. Lizzy and Becca both have well-baby checks in back-to-back appointments tomorrow. Then, my follow-up appointment with the dermatologist to have that thingie on my arm removed is on Friday.

I don't know if you've picked up on it, but I have a hard time with doctors. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and sometimes (often) worry about all that could potentially be wrong with me. With Justin. With Lizzy. With Becca. I notice the minor skin discoloration near Becca's knee that's been there since she was born. I notice the spot on Lizzy's chest that's healed with a slightly different skin texture after she fell onto the corner of a wooden step-stool. Maybe it's just a scar. I notice that Justin's been tired a lot more than normal lately, and that his cough is still a little junky, even after antibiotics. I notice the little spot on my arm that I always end up scratching in my sleep and hasn't quite healed in a couple of months (the one being removed on Friday). On occasion, that worrying has served me well. But in general, the worries pan out to be nothing. Which is fine. I'm all about listening to your body and your gut feelings, but I could also stand to refrain from assuming that someone is dying until a concern is actually raised by someone other than Dr. Google. And as of yet? No concerns have been raised, so I probably need to chill.

But as always, I've got some anxiety leading up to these doctors appointments, and it's three-times worse than normal, because it's three appointments in two days. Rapid succession. So tonight, I dug into the James Bible Study that I've re-started. I picked up Jesus Calling, after accidentally first picking up another devotional that's the same color. And it's one of those days where instead of scripture making me feel better, it's kinda making me freak out even more

I mean, the James study begins, "Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." 

The Faith Alone devotional by Martin Luther begins with saying that we're "temporary residents". I read tomorrow's devotion in hopes that it was a little more comforting, but it says, "But in the middle of trials and conflicts, it's difficult to call out to God, and it takes a lot of effort to cling to God's Word."

Oh, I'm not done yet. Jesus Calling? "With my help, you can overcome any obstacle." I read tomorrow's entry for that one too, again, hoping for something else. And guess what it says? "Every time you affirm your trust in me, you put a coin into my treasury. Thus, you build up equity in preparation for days of trouble." 

And because I'm apparently not getting the message thus far, I just now opened up my Bible to a random spot. I landed somewhere in 1 Peter 2. The heading? "The conduct of God's people in the midst of suffering."

Trials. Suffering. Conflicts. Days of Trouble. Suffering. I'm sensing a distinct theme here, I don't like it very much, God. It's kind of freaking me out, to be honest.
................................................... There's really no happy conclusion to this one (yet). I'm still battling the worries and anxiety. I just needed to get it all out on "paper", because sometimes then I can let it go a little. And I'd love your prayers in the morning if you happen to think of us. Appointments start tomorrow at 9:30am, West Coast time. 

Wednesday Snippets.

-It's not even 8am and we've already had eight time outs. And I've cleaned up cat poop. And I'm now out of coffee creamer. Good thing there was enough for one cup...and that I've got a gift certificate to stop and get a latte later on. It's gonna be a day, I can tell. I'm hoping that Lizzy isn't getting sick--because she smells different to me. Is that crazy? Crossing my fingers that it's just that she fell asleep in the car on our way home last night and hadn't had her hair shampooed yet after swim lessons. She doesn't SEEM sick so far...girl can dream, right?

-We're starting what will hopefully become a tradition of Wednesday night budget meetings tonight. I need to remember to try and put a haircut in there somewhere. I want this:

Source: ne-yo0.blogspot.com via Meredith on Pinterest

My hair is super thick,and has a tendency to get really weighty and BLAH. I'd LOVE something with a little more movement.

-I have another dermatologist appointment on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, there was something she wanted to remove last time. She said she thinks it's probably a basal cell whatever-it-is, which is certainly better than the DFSP or possible melanoma of the past. It's on the left side of my body, so it probably is SOMETHING. No joke--everything on the left side of my body has been bad news. Now that I think about it, when I had to have my appendix out, it was even on my left side instead of my right. Everything on my right side? Totally fine. It's giving me a complex. Anyway...I'm hoping that it *is* just a basal cell and not anything weird. Sigh.

-Becca is rolling over. Sometimes. Mostly when I lay her on her belly on the floor and walk out of the room...of course!

-Lately, when Lizzy is mad at me, she yells, "YOU. ARE NOT. MY. SAVIOR!" She is totally serious, and I have to try not to laugh every time. It cracks me up, because I know she's trying to say something inflammatory and "naughty", but she's actually totally right!

-Last Thursday, we went to the library for the first time since Becca was born...and the books are all still sitting in the car. Mom fail.

2013 Bucket List

Like many people, I don't really do New Year's Resolutions. Of course, I think ahead to the next year and dream of different things that I'd like to do, see, buy, accomplish, and so on...but that's mostly just wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. Planning and dreaming (sing it with me). They just don't really fit the definition of a resolution--a firm decision to do, or not to do something.

They're a bucket list for the year, basically. Things I hope we do as a family, things that I'll try to make happen, because only good can come of them. But, if they don't happen for whatever reason, it's not the end of the world. We're not going to pack into the car at 8am on New Year's Eve 2013 and drive to the Oregon Coast just to take it off the list. But, trying to earmark some money for that as we do our budgets? You betcha.

These aren't "offical"--Justin is reading them for the first time along with you all (hi babe!), but I'd venture to guess that while his list might also include things like "Hit a home run every game" or "Brew lots of beer", a lot of the core items will probably be similar. So without further adieu...my 2013 Bucket List:

{I bought a heart rate monitor just this weekend, so that one can be crossed off the list! It's pretty awesomely motivating to see that Insanity Cardio Abs + Jillian's Kickboxing burns 472 calories in about 40 minutes!}

Friday Confessions

- Lizzy's birthday party is Sunday. I've still yet to do ANY shopping, either for her birthday present or for the party.

-Lizzy hasn't been napping anymore. I've been trying to enforce quiet time in her room, but when I do, she spends half the time destroying her bedroom and half the time yelling, "MOM? MOM! MOM? IS QUIET TIME OVER YET?!" Dude, the alarm clock is in your bedroom, you will know when quiet time is over. It's almost not worth the effort.

-Costco now carries tall yoga pants!!! They had all different colors, and I seriously wanted to buy like 5 pairs, but they only had one single solitary pair in my size. Sad day. Maybe that's for the best, to encourage me to actually get dressed. But see, it's a toss up between being encouraged to work out, and actually being able to workout right then if the opportunity presents itself versus getting dressed, which is also good for my sanity in a different way. But none of this is the confession part--the confession is that Costco makes a big deal about these yoga pants being reversible...and I just don't understand the appeal. Yay! I can wear my pants inside out!

- I don't totally understand the paleo eating craze. I'm not 100% sold on it (for us, at least) for a wide variety of reasons, one of which being that I feel like it is really difficult for most people to sustain long-term. Personally, I tend to subscribe more to Michael Pollan's food perspective, which is basically: Eat real food, not too much, mostly plants. That said, while we will probably never do it, I have lots of friends both online and in real life who are now eating paleo. They are all smart, wonderful people whom I love and respect a lot, and I'm so happy that they are striving to make healthy lifestyle choices for their families regardless of the method--whatever works, you know?

-Since Becca was born, I've totally fallen off the quiet time/Bible Study wagon. I'm trying desperately to get back on not because I feel like I'm supposed to, but because I feel like I function better when I start my days off that way. I'm just REALLY struggling to get us into any sort of routine, mainly because Becca is still kind of eating and sleeping at will, and often a bit unpredictably. It's a season, it's a season, it's a season.

What about y'all? Any Friday confessions? 

Today

 Today, I am {thankful} that this girl slept from midnight to 4am last night. 

I'm pretty sure my love language is now sleep.

I am {excited} to try and get back into the routine of cooking dinner again. Since Becca was born, we've eaten out a TON, or if we have eaten at home, it's tended to be things like canned soup, or frozen stuff. In the past couple of weeks, we've had a couple EXCELLENT home cooked meals, like grilled chicken tacos and the red wine braised short ribs you see above. I'm ready to ease back into the routine of cooking at home, even if it means we don't eat until 8pm because I had to wait for Justin to get home to start cooking.

I am {frustrated} that we haven't been able to visit a friend who is recuperating from major surgery. I feel like any time we're prepared to go, one of us is suddenly sniffling or not feeling well, and I just do NOT want to give her those germs! I wanted to try and visit her this morning, but Lizzy woke up saying, "I have the snorts again." In other words, her nose is running and she has the sniffles.

I am {loving} starting my mornings with a little whipped cream and peppermint sprinkles on my coffee. Makes getting up just a little bit easier, you know? 

I am {longing} for our house to be clean and all the Christmas decor to be down. We seriously NEED to clean this week in preparation for Lizzy's birthday party this Sunday. Justin and I are seriously talking about devoting $10 or $20 to the task and assigning dollar amounts to all the chores that we both hate to do--whoever does them first gets the cash. It would just be kind of a fun competition to get the house clean and have a little extra "fun money" to boot. 

I am {missing} this guy, who is back at work today. 

So thankful for the few extra days he had off these past few weeks.

I am {nervous} about my dermatologist appointment tomorrow. It's just a follow-up, not for anything specific, and I am praying hardcore that she finds nothing she wants to remove.