On Anxiety. And Fear. And Discontenment. And Faith.

Over the past month or so, I've been in a funk. And I haven't really talked about it or written about it because I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I've even been in the funk. It's embarrassing.

But that doesn't change the fact that I've been there, and I feel like if we can't be transparent about our struggles within this community of women, then we are all doing ourselves (and God) a giant disservice.

So. Last month was a small paycheck month for Justin. Smaller than it had been in two years or so. The communication wires were crossed between Justin and I, and I wasn't expecting it. He wasn't surprised.

Anyway, when I picked up Justin's paycheck on the last day of March, I was mad. Mad at God. I'm having a hard time even typing this out because on one hand I know it is just...ugly, but it's also true.

See, before Lizzy was born, we both independently felt distinctly led that I was supposed to stay at home. I had never felt such a strong calling to do something before, and so we took a leap of faith and did that, even though we knew it would be tough financially. And it hasn't always been easy, but God has faithfully provided for our needs (and sometimes even our wants) month by month by month.

There have been a ton of blessings in this, including the fact that Justin and I have gotten really good about our money, and now budget to the penny every month. We have plans and goals and dreams financially, even if we're getting to them at a snail's pace, which is markedly different than when we were both working and both spending like crazy and sometimes I wish I could reach back in time and shake some sense into myself. Anyway, there's been a lot of good things that have come from this, and most months I can recognize that.

But honestly, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes, this anger and bitterness rises up inside me, and I am SO irritated that every. single. thing. must be budgeted. It can get exhausting, the budgets and the lists and the shifting things around, and sometimes I just want to be able to buy a cute shirt at Target without thinking about where it will fit in to the budget, darn it--'cause some months there's a clothing budget and some months there's not. If there's a meal sign up passed around church, I just want to be able to sign up, regardless of whether there's money in the giving category that month or not. Sometimes, I get tired of saying "no" to everything, it seems.

And I'd been praying lately about whether it was time to apply for a part-time job for me, and had gotten the distinct answer of NO. I applied to a job anyway. I didn't get it. And I was angry again, because it was hard and I wanted to do things an easier way, and God said no, and sometimes (usually) that sucks. And I was tired, and irritated at God, and also irritated at myself for being irritated.  And I was very much in "whatever, God" mode.

In fact, Missy asked me to speak at the Mom's Group retreat this past weekend, and I just felt like I couldn't. I could not think of anything uplifting or helpful to say about God and what he had helped me overcome, because he hadn't. I felt like I was in it by myself holding notebook upon notebook of lists and budgets, and I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Whatever, God. 

I went to a Mom's Group retreat over the weekend, and on Saturday morning I asked God to give me a verse that would help me, and I randomly opened up my Bible to Hebrews 13:5-6, which says:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

"Never will I leave you;

Never will I forsake you."

So we say with confidence,

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I mean, I don't know if God Himself ever pulls a Jesus Juke, but that sure felt like one. And I wish I could say that my heart was immediately changed and yada, yada, but it wasn't. It just ticked me off even more, honestly. And the irritation and bitterness, both at God and at myself just grew and grew.

Whatever, God.

Over the weekend at the retreat, I opened up about anxiety, which is something that I battle a lot. If you follow me on IG, you saw me reference it on Friday--for me, one of the things that happens when my anxiety gets bad is that I feel like everyone in my life is going to die, and if I'm there, diligently watching and "on call", I can protect them. And if I'm not, they're all going to die. By Saturday night at the retreat, my anxiety was out of control, because I didn't know what else to do, I opened up about it. In fact, we all opened up about our "stuff", in an authentic and vulnerable way that I have rarely experienced with other women. We talked, honestly. We prayed specifically, for each other.

And you know what I realized? For me, all of this was partially an issue of contentment and gratitude, but mostly an issue of anxiety and fear. Since the retreat, I've been doing a better job with the self-care that I know is crucial for me in keeping my anxiety at bay. It probably sounds a little crazy, but I have felt the prayers. And I am so grateful. That pit in my stomach is gone, and the weight I've been dragging behind me all the time seems to have vanished. And I was surprised to realize that so have the anger and bitterness. I didn't realize that they were all related, but they were.

Today, it is payday again. I don't know what to expect, and I don't know that it'll be any easier than it was last month. But I do know that my response this month, at least, will be one of confidence and not fear. Praise be to God.

Thursday Printable

Yesterday, I was making the newsletter for our Mom's Group, and I realized that there really wasn't anything important to include...so, I went a little rogue, and made a printable to hand out for Easter.

It's nothing fancy, but a good reminder for me nonetheless as we go into this weekend--it's a busy time for a lot of families. I know we've got service tonight, Justin's band is recording all day tomorrow, and then service that night, someone texted me that they have a trombone for Justin (which was news to me, but apparently he is playing the trombone for Easter Sunday?), there's outfits to wash and arrange, and Easter baskets to fill (whoops), and bread to make for Easter dinner for about three dozen people (or bagels? or rolls? ). There's a mountain of laundry on my couch, and workouts to do, and bathrooms that haven't been cleaned in I'm not sure how long. Anyway, the point is that it's sort of like Christmas time for me-- I can easily get flustered and busy and overwhelmed and forget the joy in it all.

So, I popped this printable in a frame, leaned it up against the wall on our buffet, where I'll see it 100 times a day as I walk through the tornado of a house. And I think about the Easter morning call and response of "He is risen!" followed by "He is risen, indeed! Alleluia!". And I think about the time of Lent where in the Lutheran church the alleluias are missing from the songs and the service, and I didn't realize the I missed them, but I do.


If you want, click on the image, and that will take you over to Flickr, where you can download the original size. It's 8.5 x11, but worked just fine in a matted 8x10 frame for me. Enjoy your Thursday!

Two days ago, World Vision made news by announcing that they were making a change to their hiring practice in order to allow employment of those who identify themselves as Christian and are in legal same-sex marriages. Previously, the conduct requirement, as I understand it, had simply been abstinence outside of marriage, and fidelity within marriage. In addition, all employees of Word Vision were (and are) required to affirm either their Statement of Faith or the Apostle's Creed as a condition of employment.

In a letter to employees about the change, the board said:

"We are, as our mission statement so clearly expresses,“an international partnership of Christians whose mission is to follow our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in working with the poor and oppressed to promote human transformation, seek justice, and bear witness to the good news of the Kingdom of God.” And it is this mission that unites us—Baptist, Pentecostal, Seventh day Adventist, Lutheran, Episcopalian, Roman Catholic, Presbyterian, Orthodox, nondenominational, etc.--more than 50 different expressions of the Christian faith represented within WVUS alone. In fact, for 60 years the Christian mission of World Vision has been a platform uniting followers of Christ around the world. 

As World Vision employees, we are first and foremost united in our response to Jesus’ call to follow Him and to serve the poor. This unity gives us space to acknowledge a range of views on issues among the Christian churches we attend and the denominations we represent. Those issues include methods of baptism, divorce and remarriage, views on evolution, the role of women in church leadership, and whether birth control is acceptable. At World Vision we hold a strong view of the authority of Scripture in the life of the church and in the lives of each of us as followers of Christ, but we intentionally choose not to require specific beliefs or practice in any of these debated issues as conditions of employment at World Vision U.S. In other words, we don’t have a list of issues on which we mandate agreement as a litmus test for hiring. Instead, we leave these areas under the authority of the various church bodies to which each of us belongs and to the freedom of all of our employees to discern for themselves, fully understanding that there is a range of views within and among our churches."

Indeed, some of the churches affiliated with Word Vision (United Church of Christ, Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Episcopal Church, Presbyterian Church USA) *have* affirmed gay and lesbian marriage, and so to me, this stance seemed consistent with the past statements by World Vision that they are not a theological arm, but an operational arm.

This is not news, right? That World Vision is a partnership between many different denominations within the Christian church, which are comprised of many (sometimes drastically different) beliefs and practices? This has been the case for years, and I believe is partially why other relief organizations that are specific to particular denominations exist. As a Lutheran, I can't expect Word Vision's policies and practices to align completely with LCMS Lutheran doctrine and teachings...because it isn't a Lutheran organization. Neither can Catholics, or Evangelicals, or any other denomination present expect that World Vision will completely and accurately capture their belief system. Rather, the underlying goal of broad faith-based organizations like World Vision, I think, is to encourage and facilitate unity within all denominations of the church.

Back to the story.

After that announcement, Twitter, blogs, Facebook, and all forms of social media were almost immediately flooded with announcements from Christians that they had pulled their support for their sponsored children through World Vision in response to the announcement. Here's just a few excerpts:

SO DISAPPOINTED IN WORLD VISION'S NEW STANCE TO ALLOW HOMOSEXUALS TO WORK THERE. HOMOSEXUALS ARE NOT CHRISTIANS SO YOU ARE VIOLATING YOUR OWN RULE TO HIRE, ONLY THOSE WHO ARE BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS.

  

We will invest our money in other fundamental bible charities. 

God will no longer bless this ministry as long as you continue to compromise with sin and continue to demonize Israel! I implore the leadership to repent!

They are doing the works of Satan now! We can not be apart of this! 

It is with a truly heavy heart that I called and cancelled my sponsorship of three children today. 

I do pray that donations (as mine will) dry up and that God will raise up another organization that has a biblical spine.

You are a disgrace ..... When everything starts to fall apart on you I pray that you will come back to God on your knees ....

This organization accepts gay marriage among their employees. I have therefore cancelled my sponsorship. 

In the meantime, many supporters of the policy shift (including many non-believers, if Facebook is any indication) picked up child sponsorships in order to make up for those that were dropped suddenly.  

And then today, World Vision announced that they had reversed their decision to allow practicing Christians in participating denominations who were engaged in same sex marriages to be employed by the organization. 

This whole situation has left me with a vast range of feelings and emotions. Right now, the strongest is an uncontrollable urge to scream at people that if they were so concerned with the charities that they were supporting aligning with their personal beliefs exactly, THEY SHOULD HAVE RESEARCHED THE ORGANIZATION MORE THOROUGHLY BEFORE MAKING A LONG-TERM SPONSORSHIP COMMITMENT. You are not, by any means, required to support World Vision. But I cannot, for the life of me, understand the sudden outrage about this announcement--World Vision's non-stance when it comes to theological issues is not news. Do your due diligence before making a long-term commitment to an organization for sponsorship, people. If you don't like that World Vision partners with congregations that affirm gay and lesbian marriage...then don't support them, from the beginning. Don't get caught up in stories at rock concerts that pull at your heart strings, pledge your financial support, establish a relationship with a child, and then hold your financial support hostage in an attempt to bend the organization's towards your own specific beliefs, leaving that child inexplicably without the relationship that was promised.

{Was that too harsh? I feel like I may be writing out of frustration here, so I apologize if my words are not as carefully chosen and unifying as I usually attempt to be here}.

It also leaves me with a lot of questions. 

Once a sponsorship commitment has been made, what, if any, are appropriate reasons to retract that commitment? 

Can the photo of one child from a third world country on our fridge simply be replaced with another in the same way that I can change pants? If I decide I don't like what one organization is doing, is it okay for me to just drop that organization and pick another child elsewhere? Is my commitment to the organization, or the child? Or both?

If we're saying that homosexuals cannot be Christians, aren't we also saying that denominations who have affirmed homosexual marriage aren't *really* Christian denominations? 

So then, if we're saying that the Church of Christ, for example, isn't *really* a Christian church, what about heterosexual couples that were married by Church of Christ pastors? Is it *really* a covenant marriage then? 

What of man-woman marriages outside of the church? Say, someone married by the Justice of the Peace. Are those okay even though they didn't take place within a church and may not have had any Biblical basis at all? 

Or, as a few friends and I were discussing just the other day in regards to abortion, if we take the stance that homosexuality is sin, does that mean that everything that is against homosexuality is automatically good? Or that anything that doesn't explicitly condemn homosexuality is automatically bad?

Sigh. I don't have answers, friends. Only frustration and a bit of weariness.

Salt.

My to-do list is a mile long today...I'm sure we're all in the same boat there. Christmas is coming, and I don't know about you, but in order for *this* weary person to rejoice...there's a lot that needs to happen first. It's just the way of the game. There's presents to wrap, clothes to wash, toys to pick up...and about a week's worth of workouts to cram into the next two days. Meanwhile, there's tantruming toddlers, babies who won't sleep, and unexpected errands muddling it all up.

And yet, all day I've felt this tugging. To sit down, stop, and read a minute. I put myself into a mom-timeout after almost losing it with Lizzy earlier, and opened up my Bible. I won't tell you how long it has been since I opened it last, but it's been a long time.

I flipped open to 1 Corinthians, which is ironic because it's not my favorite book of the Bible, and also because a certain Duck Commander has been in the news and on my Facebook page quite a bit lately for his own reference and interpretation of a verse that comes from 1 Corinthians 6. Can I be honest? I'm tired of that conversation.What's on my mind and heart today comes from earlier in 1 Corinthians, and is related to that incident, I suppose, but I have no intention of rehashing it further (whew).

When I opened up to 1 Corinthians, my eyes first went to this verse:

"But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man, do not even eat." (1 Corinthians 5:11)

Now, I don't know about you, but I've seen, on more than one occasion, this verse used as a weapon. As a sword to pierce through gays and lesbians, addicts, and women heading to the abortion clinic. I've seen it be used as a way to separate...to draw a line in the sand between US and THEM. A way to justify not cultivating relationships with those who we determine are "ungodly".

I think we forget sometimes that in Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he is writing to members of the Christian church in Corinth. So when he talks about sexual immorality, drunkenness, idolatry-- he's writing to believers. He's not talking about 'those bad folk over there that we need to fix and show Jesus.' He's talking about US.

"What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside." (1 Corinthians 5:12-13)

In the very next breath, Paul goes on to explicitly tell the believers in Corinth to stop worrying about everyone else, and start worrying about themselves. What business is it of mine to judge the behavior of those who do not identify themselves as Christian? It's none of my business. None at all.

Lately, one of the things that we've been working on with Lizzy is appropriate roles. So, for example, at school, it is her job to make sure that she is following the classroom rules. It is NOT her job to make sure that the other kids are following the classroom rules--that's her teacher's job. 

The way I see it, it's just like that when it comes to the Christian faith. It's my job to do the best that I can to abide by the guidelines of our faith (not because I have to in order to go to heaven, but because I want to). I am NOT called to worry about the actions or behavior of those who don't identify themselves as Christians. I'm called to let God handle it. And that's the part that I think we forget sometimes.

"Be wise in the way that you act towards [unbelievers]; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:5-6) 

Can we talk about salt for a minute? What is salt (other than very tasty)? It's a preservative. Back in the pioneer days, salt was a way to make food last for a very long time without refrigeration. I just think that's really interesting--our words towards unbelievers are to be full of grace, and to act as a preservative. To preserve the relationship rather than destroy it. 

To love and care for one another, always.

(Merry Christmas, friends!)

Why not pick the wildflowers?

This morning, while Becca was down for a nap, I tried to coax Lizzy outside. It's been rainy here for the past few days (because what would spring in Oregon be without rain?), and Lizzy has been BEGGING to go outside. So, I thought she'd jump at the opportunity to get outside since the sun was finally peeking through the clouds. I thought wrong.

But MOM, it's a little bit windy and the wind will knock me over!

But MOM, there is some sort of little bug on the blanket and he is NOT MAKING GOOD CHOICES AND NOT BEING A GOOD LISTENER TO ME.

But MOM, I just want to watch another episode of Dora.

But MOM, there is no snow for me to make a snow angel and I really want to make a snow angel.

I was getting frustrated. Because this was our chance for some one-on-one time. Time I know she craves. The stuff that she acts out if she doesn't get. And she was being so ridiculous that it was making it almost impossible to give it to her.

"Hey Lizzy, do you want to pick some flowers? We can take them inside and put them in a vase."

See, Lizzy loves to pick flowers. And I feel like I'm often telling her, "Please don't pick the flowers Lizzy!" The problem with Lizzy and flowers is that she will pick every. single. one. And sometimes, especially at other people's houses...they actually want the flowers that they purchased to remain in tact, rather than pulled apart and strewn about the lawn. Heck, sometimes *I* want that. But we've planted wildflowers in a few places in the backyard, and there's really no reason why she can't pick those. So, we did.






And then we went inside and picked out a mason jar, and I watched and took some photos as she arranged the flowers just so in the jar. The ones with too-short stems and all.  Then she smiled.






As a mom, these are the little moments that I am thankful for. However fleeting they may be. And today I can't help but think why NOT pick the wildflowers?

God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone,

 but also on trees, and in the flowers, and clouds and stars. 

~Attributed to Martin Luther

You Were Always There: On Faith.

Note: Over the course of the past three days, I feel like there have been a number of events that have led up to this post. I just feel like this issue has slammed me again and again, to the point where I can't just sit idly by and not say something. I recognize that my position and beliefs are not shared by most of the people who probably read this blog, and that's okay. I'd just ask that you take a minute to consider what I have to say...

A few days ago, Lizzy was in her room for quiet time. It had been a rough day, and I was trying to get Becca down for a nap, and was getting flustered that she was just screaming and screaming. Soon, I heard Lizzy start to sing to herself, as she often does during quiet time. Sometimes, it's nonsensical songs that she's made up herself, but this particular day, she started to sing:

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before, O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

I peeked my head in the room, and said, "Hey Lizzy, whatcha singing about?" 

She responded, "I'm singing about God mama!"

"Lizzy, you're pretty awesome, do you know that?"

Lizzy shrugged and then said, "I know. God made me that way."

................................................................................................

Yesterday, I was catching up on a book that I'm reading for a Bible Study I'm doing with a group of Mom's from Mom's Group. So far, I've really enjoyed the book and have gotten a lot out of it. But yesterday, I got to a section of the book that made me so frustrated, that I actually threw the book across the room. Essentially, what I took away from the passage was, 'Perhaps you've always gone to church, were baptized, or even confirmed. But none of those things really make you a Christian, unless you were old enough to really understand what you were saying. So, if you're not sure whether you're saved, pray the Sinner's Prayer with me right now, ask God into your heart, and then you'll know for sure that you're saved.'

................................................................................................

Recently, a 7 year old girl that I know had someone ask her if she had asked Jesus into her heart. They continued on to encourage her that she needed to ask Jesus into her heart in order to make sure that she was saved, because she was baptized as an infant, and since she was too young to know what was happening, it didn't really count. It wasn't enough, especially since she wasn't fully submerged. She turned to her mom, and said, "Mom, why do I need to ask Jesus into my heart when he's already there?" 

................................................................................................

Tonight, I sat down, excited to begin a devotional Bible reading program on my phone. I settled in to read the introduction, and came across the following paragraph: "Have you ever heard someone say 'I’ve been a Christian all my life' and felt a little funny about that? It’s not just about splitting hairs or semantics because the bad news is once we were not His people. Being found isn’t as beautiful if you don’t admit you were once lost." 

................................................................................................

I've been a Christian all my life.

I was baptized when I was young. I wasn't dunked, I was sprinkled.

I never said the Sinner's Prayer. In fact, I'd never even heard that term until a few years ago.

I don't remember a specific moment when I asked Jesus into my heart.

I don't have a dramatic story of coming out of the darkness and into the light. 

There were times that I had a relationship with God, and times that I didn't. 

I continue to sin every single day of my life, and am daily in need of forgiveness.

But He was always there. He *is* always there.

Can I speak frankly, friends? I'm sort of tired of being told that my baptism wasn't real because I was too young to speak for myself. Or that I need to be baptized again to be saved because I was sprinkled and not dunked. Or that even when affirming my faith during First Communion, I didn't really know what I was saying or what it meant. I'm tired of brothers and sisters in Christ implying that my faith isn't "real" because I haven't said the Sinner's Prayer or can't remember a specific time when I asked Jesus into my heart.

Is salvation something that I receive based on what I've done? Once I've gone through a checklist of criteria? No. Salvation is by grace, through faith. The doing has already been done on the cross. And that faith part? It's simple. Straightforward, even. "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved," (Romans 10:9, NIV). 

Can we, as brothers and sisters in Christ acknowledge that such a declaration can be made in 1,000 different ways? Through saying the Apostle's Creed during a weekly church service.  By saying the Sinner's Prayer. By a little child singing Jesus Loves Me. By asking Jesus into our heart. By a simple prayer of "God, I believe, please help my disbelief." There are SO MANY different scenarios that I can't possibly list them all.

It's not my job--EVER--to tell someone that maybe, possibly,*I* think they might not actually be saved, so they should do X,Y, and Z to make sure that they really are. It's not my job--EVER--to tell a child that they don't really understand what they're saying, or that they're not old enough to really believe. Lizzy understands. She lives out her faith in the simplest ways, sometimes with a purer understanding of God's truth than I have. During swimming lessons (and in Wal-Mart, and in the car, and while going to the bathroom), she often sings a song that she made up at the top of her lungs. Part of it goes like this: 

I'm so happy that Jesus is alive. 

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ the Lord is alive!

And he saaaaaavvvvvveeeeedddddd me! 

She knows. She believes. She is saved. And as she gets older, I hope she never ever has to hear anyone tell her that her faith isn't as "beautiful" as someone else's because she had that faith from the time that she was young. Because honestly, that's crap. It hurts my heart. God rejoices in each one of our stories of faith. Whether that story starts at birth, 3, 15,  21, 52, 77, or on our deathbed. Whether that story starts in a loving home, a moment of terror, a hospital room, or a prison cell. Whether we ask Jesus into our heart, or whether we can't ever remember a time without Him there. To God, every story that entails the simple truth of Romans 10:9 is equally as beautiful. Equally as worthy. Equally as deserving of celebration. 

And assembled as one, in the name of the Son

lifting hearts, lifting hands, celebrating as friends

and proclaiming the Lord, all our praises afford

we are brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Day in the Life--Fall 2012

I wanted to document a day in our life this fall...at least once, before baby #2 arrives and everything changes! This was Wednesday October 17th, and it was a busier day than usual! That said, we typically have really busy days at least once a week, so it's probably not that far off base. I loved Kristal's idea of documenting one busy day and one slower day, because the slower days are filled with stuff (like school time, painting our nails, and lots of reading books) that I don't want to forget either!

5:00am- I'm awake. Last time I remember seeing the clock was when I got up at 4am. Get up, go to the bathroom, and come to lay back down. Justin is now laying sideways across the bed, and after some effort, I get him to move back to his side. I can't fall asleep because I know Justin's alarm is going to go off soon.

5:40am (ish)- Justin's alarm goes off. As usual, he does not actually intend to get up at this time, and after several minutes, I finally get him to hit snooze.

5:55am (ish)- Justin's alarm goes off again. After several minutes, I finally get him to turn off his alarm. I try to get him to get out of bed, but he won't, and I'm starting to feel like I'm acting like a parent, so I give up and get up.

6:00am- I head to the living room, take some heartburn meds, and get started on homework from Bible Study. I'm so far behind!


6:15am- I hear Lizzy's door open, and she says, "It's okay for me to come out now!". I tell her yes, even though I'm not sure it's really a question, and she comes out and snuggles on the couch with me.

6:30am- Lizzy asks to watch Dora, so I turn it on for her and we snuggle ad watch. Justin calls out, "It's okay for you to make me a sandwich?!" from down the hallway, which makes me smile. I make him a PB&J.

6:45am- Justin is heading out the door, and pops his head back in to tell me that we left the dome light on in my car light night, but that he'll see if it starts or jumps it. Apparently, it starts! Whew.

7:00-7:45am- Make Lizzy breakfast, and then we dink around a little bit. I really should take a shower, but I'm too tired right now. I realize that I forgot to toss the laundry into the dryer before I went to bed last night, so Lizzy has no clean underwear, and I'll have to put her in a pull-up. Sigh. Go toss the load into the dryer for later today, and it is COLD out in the garage!

7:45am- Lizzy asks to watch Imagination Movers, and I let her so that I can get ready for Bible Study. I toss on some leggings, boots, and a blanket cardigan. Toss my hair up in a sock bun, add some pearls, and hope I look more Pinterest-chic than homeless-chic. Unfortunately, I think I'm skewing toward the latter, but I'm too tired and too cozy to change.

8:00-8:30am- I start getting Lizzy ready for the day. She freaks out that her white shirt "doesn't match" her brown polka-dot leggings. I try to explain that white matches with everything, but she's still not happy about it. She adds her pink cowgirl boots because apparently, they do match. I toss together some breakfast for me to take with and eat at Bible Study. I also remember to go warm up the car, which I consider a major win for the day.

8:45 am- We are actually in the car and on our way to Bible Study. Lizzy requests the same song over and over on the way there, and I oblige to hopefully avoid a toddler meltdown. Plus, she's awfully cute singing it! Baby #2 is active as can be in the car, and man...those kicks HURT! I really want to stop and get a latte, but convince myself not to because they'll have coffee and creamer at the church.

9am-11am- Bible Study. I felt uncomfortable the whole time--baby was in a weird position, and it hurt. Usually, I stay around and chat afterwards, but today I've got quite a bit to do, so I duck out quickly.

11:10am- We arrive at Wal-Mart to pick up some produce, and do a quick pit stop for Lizzy to use the bathroom. We get just outside the bathroom, when Lizzy says, "I have to go potty!". Back inside we go. It's cool. We'll spend 20 minutes in the Wal-Mart bathroom.

11:30am-12:00pm- Whew! In and out of Wal-Mart. On the way out, Lizzy sees a poster for Madagascar 3, and asks if we can get it. We swing by Redbox, and they've got it in stock, so we rent it. She's thrilled, and we talk about waiting until Justin gets home to watch it all together.

12:00pm- Back in the car, heading home. Lizzy says "Mom! Mom! Mom!" the whole way home, and when I ask her what she needs, she just giggles. The "Mom! Mom! Mom!" thing is a frequent occurrence right now, and it drives me nuts. If I ignore her, she cries and says, "Why won't you talk to me?!", but if I answer her, 90% of the time she has nothing to say...other than "Mom! Mom! Mom!" again two minutes later.

12:15pm- Home. Lunch. I eat while looking for articles for the Mom's Group newsletter that I have to send over to have printed for tomorrow.

12:50pm- Lizzy's done eating now, and comes over to talk to me. We talk for a little while, and then she asks if she can go read books in her room. I ask if she wants me to come with her, and she says she wants "quiet time by herself". I head back to help her turn on her music and such, and then head back to the living room to work on the newsletter some more.

1pm- Lizzy comes out of her room and says she's done with quiet time. I tell her that she needs to stay in her room for now. She throws a temper tantrum. Awesome.

1:45pm- We've been battling for the last 45 minutes about her staying in her bedroom. She'll come out, and I'll carry her back in kicking and screaming and yelling at me. I am quickly losing patience for this. I'm still trying to work on the newsletter, but it is really slow progress since I'm going in like 2 minute increments.

2:00pm- Newsletter is finally done and emailed off. Lizzy is still screaming and freaking out hysterically, so I call her into the living room for a talk about what's okay when we're angry and what's not. I ask her if she wants to do school time, and she says no. I tell Lizzy that it's time to lay down with me on the couch for a rest. She starts screaming and yelling again. I turn on the TV to the Property Brothers, and eventually she settles down, but in the mean time she reminds me of the main character from a book that we read a lot, The Pout-Pout Fish.

2:45pm- I look down, and Lizzy's asleep. Normally, I'd move her back to her room for the rest of her nap, but we don't have a ton of time before my photo shoot later, so I slide off the couch and leave her there.

3:00pm-3:30pm- I text back and forth with today's photo client--we're up to 15 people for her family shoot today! We decide that we actually need to do a session and a half, and make plans to meet a little earlier. I'm nervous--I don't do big groups that often and feel less confident about them than other types of sessions, especially now that I'm not moving as fast as I once was! Plus, since we're starting earlier, I'm bringing Lizzy for a few minutes until Justin gets off work. The client knew up front that I'd have to bring Lizzy if we booked today, and is a friend from Mom's Group who I'm sure will be fine with Lizzy no matter what, but I'm still nervous about how Lizzy will behave.

3:30pm-4:15pm- Tie up some loose ends...change into different clothes since Oregon weather is so finnicky in the fall, and now it's hot.

4:15pm- Lizzy's still asleep, and I need to leave. Crud. I try to move her into the car, but she wakes up when I'm buckling her in, and freaks out. I swing by a coffee stand to grab a chocolate milk for her to drink in the stroller while I'm shooting. I hate to reward behavior like this, but at this point, I'm totally in survival mode and will do whatever it takes to make it through the next bit of time until Justin gets off work!

4:30pm- We arrive, and I start shooting. Lizzy alternates between being great and being a pain in the butt. I'm starting to get a little stressed.

4:45pm- Justin was working down the street from where we're shooting, and swings by to pick up Lizzy. Normally, she'd be thrilled to ride in his work truck, but this time she's not. They head off, and I keep shooting.

6:15pm- Done! I head home. Justin's got tacos/burritos started for dinner--thank you babe!

6:30pm- We all sit down to eat. Lizzy's in a super lovey mood, and wants to hug my arm the whole time we're eating. Today's been busier than usual, and I feel like she hasn't gotten a lot of quality attention today and I feel bad. I ask her if she wants to do her letters after dinner, and she says, "No, I want to watch Move It Move It! (Madagascar)" I'm looking forward to us all having some quality time to snuggle and watch the movie together once we finish.

7:00pm- Justin and I are done eating, Lizzy's still going. Justin heads outside to replace a part in his truck, I clean up dinner and talk to Lizzy some more.

7:15 pm- My parents call and ask to talk to Lizzy. We sit on the couch and they talk for a little while--Lizzy LOVES talking on the phone!

7:30ish- They hang up, and I'm explaining to Lizzy that we need to get ready for bed quickly if we're going to watch the movie tonight. It's like this flips a mischievous switch in her, and she is dragging her feet more slowly than ever. I'm redirecting her literally every other minute. Out of nowhere, she hits the cat. Twice. I send her to her room for a timeout. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking her walls. I tell her that her two minute timeout will start when she's finished screaming. She spends about five minutes screaming, "YOU DON'T GIVE TIMEOUTS TO CHILDREN! NEVER! AGAIN! I AM THE PARENT! YOU LISTEN FIRST TIME I ASK!"

7:45pm- I head back to her room to get her out of timeout and discover that she has TRASHED her room. Pillows and blankets off the bed, books thrown EVERYWHERE, clothes pulled out of her drawers. I have to remind myself to take very deep breaths. I ask what happened, and she says, "I was mad." I tell her that I'm sad she made that choice, and that I don't know if we'll have time to watch the movie tonight after she finishes cleaning up her room, and I leave the room to see how she does cleaning on her own for a few minutes.

8:00pm- I hear Lizzy happily reading books (not cleaning) in her room. Justin walks inside and tells me that in addition to the part he's fixing, there's also a problem with the radiator hose. Awesome.My dad texts me a photo of doughknots, one of my favorite splurge meals from my hometown. Now I'm craving doughknots--that's just not kind to do to a pregnant lady! I head back to supervise the cleaning effort.

8:18pm-8:55pm- Lizzy is still cleaning, Justin is still working. The movie is *so* not happening tonight. I'm trying to teach Lizzy natural consequences--that if she pulls off every book on her bookshelf, she'll have to put every book on her bookshelf back. But it's hard to follow through at times like this...because she is going SO SLOWLY, and I'm constantly having to redirect her. It would be so much easier and faster for me just to do it myself. Justin comes in about 8:30am, and we both have to continue to redirect every 5 seconds. Also? Holy Braxton-Hicks, batman!

9:00-9:20pm- We're just now leaving Lizzy's room after saying goodnight. I have grand dreams of Justin and I cuddling on the couch watching TV, but there apparently wasn't a new episode of Bones on Monday after all, and Justin is reading The Lightning Thief again, which pretty much means he's dead to the world. We are both total book nerds and have a hard time focusing on anything else when we're deep into a book we love. I feel like he and I were passing ships today, but some days are just like that. I jot down a few notes about today for this blog post.

9:20pm- I have a ton of photo editing to do, so I grab the laptop, lay down on the couch, and get to it.

9:30pm-10:15pm- Photos are uploaded to Lightroom, and I begin to cull them a bit. Justin heads to bed right as I find a cute candid moment that I love from the session. I give it a quick edit, and toss it up on Facebook as a sneak peek. Have I mentioned that I HATE Facebook for photos?! I can edit and size things exactly the same way every time, and sometimes they look great and sometimes they look crappy.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to things, and it drives me nuts. Anyone out there have any fail-safe magical photos on Facebook tricks? 

10:19pm- I'm so tired...time to hit the sack. I force down a half a glass of milk and hope that this heartburn subsides enough to let me sleep!

{for the record, I was up by midnight, then two, then three, then five--ahhhh, pregnancy}

Hands & Feet

Lizzy and I were sitting on the couch yesterday talking and singing to one of her baby dolls. Randomly, she asked me, "Mom, can we take pictures of our hands and feet?" I was pretty confident that she was trying to distract me from the fact that it was almost naptime, but I decided to just say okay, and I grabbed the camera.

And then I started thinking about the Audio Adrenaline song "Hands and Feet". If you don't know it, the part that I was thinking about goes like this:

I'll be your hands 

I'll be your feet 

I'll go where you send me

I'll go where you send me 

And I'll try, yeah I'll try 

To touch the world 

Like you touched my life 

And I'll find my way 
To be Your hands.

And then I started thinking about how it's comfortable to me to be Jesus' hands and feet. It's comfortable to me to be the one giving. Advice. Money. Time. Whatever it is, I'm usually happy to give it. It feels good to be that person who sends a little letter or package to someone just because they seem like they could use it.

But this week? Other people have been the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives (which is a markedly less comfortable position--being the recipient rather than the giver-- to be in for me). Really though, they have. Many without even really knowing or realizing it. Many without having a clue what was going on with the whole OHSU drama.

After talking with the lady from the Department of Revenue this past Monday, I was feeling kind of weary. I felt like I'd lost a bit of faith in humanity in general. But God is gracious, and has gently reminded me (and us) in both big ways and small this past week that He has proven to provide abundantly, beyond what I could ever expect.

From the comments and emails that many of you left after Tuesdays post, to the random texts from people this week saying "Hey, I was just thinking about you--how are you doing?", to people calling to ask Justin if he'd be interested in some side/weekend work...to Justin being handed an extremely generous check by someone we know with the simple explanation that "I forgot to give my check for offering at church this past Sunday, and I just keep feeling like I'm supposed to give it to you instead." {I still can't really even type that last one without getting majorly choked up because it is just the amount that will make a significant difference to us this month with the unexpected way that things have turned out with OHSU}.

I am so grateful. This is just beyond....everything.

All of it, big and small, were clearly God things...and I just feel like I'd be remiss to tell you about the sucky parts of this week without telling you about the incredible ways that God has worked in spite of the parts that were crappy. Without telling you the ways that so many of you were His hands and feet for us this week. So thank you all. Really. You were balm for a soul that was more than a little weary this week. I so appreciate it, and am just blown away by all of it.

Isn't it ironic....dontcha think?

Well, that settles it.

OHSU was not bluffing--apparently, in Oregon, a hospital can send you to collections even if you've been making a payment every month, just because they've decided that it will take you too long to pay off your hospital balance.

We got a letter yesterday from the Oregon Department of Revenue that they now hold one of my three accounts from my skin cancer surgery at OHSU. I called to set up a payment plan yesterday. It's kind of funny, because their automated system basically says, "If your account is with traffic fines, press 1. If your account is with court fees, press 2. If your account is for jail fees, press 3. If your account is from OHSU, press 4." (You'll notice that there are no other hospitals on this list...)

Anyway, once I finally reached a person, I explained that we'd always paid on time every month, but that OHSU had turned it over  because they decided it would take too long to pay off. I said "Here's what I can afford to pay each month. Our income varies, so on months when we can afford to pay more, I'll happily send it." The nice (sarcasm font) lady at the department of revenue told me that they don't really care what we can afford to pay, that my minimum payment each month is X. I asked her what would happen if we couldn't afford to pay X, and she said she can't tell me that until November 5th, when our first payment is due. She said that they don't have any sort of financial paperwork to fill out, and that they really don't care what your income and bills look like. You pay their minimum payment or you don't, and if you don't....well, I don't know because she wouldn't tell me.

She then proceeded to tell me that my account will probably be paid off much more quickly than I expect anyway, as they'll just withhold all of our tax returns until it is paid off.

I kind of wanted to scream at her.  I know she's just doing her job. I know that technically, that's fair and that the doctors and hospitals deserve to be paid for their time. I know that's probably what we would have done with a tax return anyway.  But can I just say that it sucks? Because it does. It sucks. It sucks that no one seems to care that there's a person or a family on the other end of the line...who is just trying to balance paying for this unexpected surgery with all their other obligations...not to mention just life. It sucks that the house refinance that we were so excited about probably closing on in November? Probably won't happen now because of this. The really ironic and funny thing about all this? If we were/are able to refinance in November as we were (and still are) hoping, the entire OHSU bill would have been paid off at that point anyway.

I feel a little like I'm living in an Alanis Morisette song.

............................................................................................................................

It sucks that this is something that's heavy on my heart and mind lately, but I'm not even sure that I should blog about it because I'll probably get snarky anonymous comments about us and our money, and how maybe we shouldn't be having another baby if we're so poor, or maybe I shouldn't be buying leggings or mums (which, just for the record, I haven't) if we still have hospital debt. Or how maybe I should just get a job and shut up.

I don't know if I should blog about it because it will make family and friends worry about us...and really, I'm sure it'll be okay. It's just irritating. It just sucks. I'm just venting because we're trying to do the best that we can and to live on a budget and be fiscally responsible...all while watching people we know totally play the system and get rewarded for it. All while feeling like the people on the other end of the phone line do not care about us in the slightest. It's frustrating. And irritating. And I just want to stomp my feet and scream.

And then? There are times where all you can do is laugh. Like last night, when we were working on choosing songs for a Sunday service later in October, and we pulled up the Gospel reading for that particular Sunday. Anyone want to guess what the reading was? I'll tell you. Mark 10:23-31. The first sentence?

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard is it for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"

And I know what that passage is all about, and I know what it really means and how it's often misinterpreted and misapplied, but seriously, after a day like I had yesterday...being so irritated and so stressed about all things money, how can you not just laugh when that comes across the table?

Catching up.

{one} 

We made some serious progress in deep cleaning the house this weekend, which is awesome and amazing, because the next FOUR Saturdays are booked up...which is crazy and surreal. We still have a huge amount to do pre-baby, but getting a good check of the general deep-cleaning out of the way is a huge relief. And it's kind of nice that I could actually invite people over to our house again--it really was so bad, that it was out of the question!

{two}

I have a dermatologist appointment this morning, I think to check on how the place where I had stitches on my stomach is holding up, and also to monitor a mole. Even though I don't think it's going to be a big deal, I have a hard time not getting super anxious any time I have a dermatologist appointment. I freaked most of the night last night about the appointment.

{three} 

I did some housekeeping to the blog over the weekend--I cleaned up the sidebar a bit, and also revamped the pages in the header. Now, you can find all baby and infant related posts itemized in one central location, and also a master list of all book reviews. I'm also trying something new and opening up a limited number of sidebar ads via Passionfruit-- check it out if you're so inclined (and I promise you won't hear much more from me on the subject).

{four}

We went to a wedding over the weekend for a young couple that used to help with childcare for Mom's Group. Justin and I were cracking up because both the father/daughter dance and the mother/son dance were the exact same songs we used for our wedding. I don't think I've heard them at ANY wedding since then, so it was pretty funny to hear both in one wedding. We kept joking that we guessed we were supposed to be remembering our wedding that day ;)

{five}

I get to start Beth Moore's study of James with some of the ladies from Mom's Group this week, and I am so excited. SO. EXCITED. I have absolutely zero doubt that it'll be really good for me to really dig in to the Word in these last few weeks before having a baby...because I don't know about anyone else, but it is so easy for me to fall out of the habit of daily quiet time, and when I do, nothing good comes of it. Also? Totally crazy to think that I most likely won't finish the study with the group because I'll be off having a baby.

{six}

Last night, I had a conversation with Lizzy about dinner that went like this:
Me: Lizzy, would you like a cheeseburger for dinner?
Lizzy: No mom!! I want a hang-a-burger with cheese, please.

If I would have told her that a hang-a-burger with cheese is the same thing as a cheeseburger, it would have resulted in a 37 minute tantrum. Sometimes, it's just easier to call it a hang-a-burger with cheese.

{seven} 

I'm in a book slump. I haven't picked up a book that I was really, really excited about reading in too long. This is compounded by the fact that what I read before bed has recently been directly influencing some absolutely crazy pregnancy dreams, so I'm trying to limit myself to happy, inspirational fluff. But yeah...not excited about anything I've read lately. Any suggestions?

What the Heck Do Lutherans Believe Anyway?

I've talked about my feelings on unity in the church on this blog before, but to make a long story short, I believe that the Christian community is called to facilitate unity within itself. In that vein, it's imperative that we start with communication and dialogue, because there ARE doctrinal differences across the different branches of Christianity. And that's okay, because (as a general rule), the differences don't negate the core of our faith. We're called to unity anyway...and I don't think it's in spite of those differences, but because of them. This post, which is hopefully the first in a series, comes with the motivation of facilitating unity in Christ by potentially dispelling any myths and misunderstandings, as well as by creating an opportunity for dialogue.

So, a few weeks ago, I was talking with a few of my friends, and one of them asked 'What are the Sunday services like at your church?' I started to rattle off words like "Creeds" and "Confession and Absolution", but as we talked more, I realized that the church she attends doesn't traditionally speak the creeds or do confession and absolution in the same way that the Lutheran church does, and so she had no idea what I was talking about. I thought that today I'd just lay out a sample service from our church as a starting point in talking about what Lutherans believe:

We Prepare Our Hearts
Opening Hymn: It is You (Newsboys)

Invocation
Pastor: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Congregation: Amen

We Confess Our Sin
Pastor: As we prepare our hearts and minds for worship, let us first confess our sins and be assured of His everlasting promise to forgive. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
Congregation: But if we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Pastor: Let us confess our sins to God our heavenly Father.
Congregation: Most merciful God, we confess that we are by nature sinful and unclean. We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We justly deserve your present and eternal punishment. For the sake of your Son, Jesus Christ, have mercy on us. Forgive us, renew us, and lead us so that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways to the glory of your holy name. Amen. 
Pastor: In the mercy of Almighty God, Jesus Christ was given to die for us, and for his sake, God forgives us all our sins. To those who believe in Jesus Christ, he gives the power to become the children of God and bestows on them the Holy Spirit. May the Lord, who has begun this good work in us bring it to completion in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Congregation: Amen. 

Hymn of Praise: Children of God (Third Day)

Introit {this changes every Sunday, but is a piece of scripture spoken collectively, often from Psalms}

Kyrie
P: In peace, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For the peace from above and for our salvation, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For the peace of the whole world, for the well being of the Church of God, and for the unity of all, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For this holy house and for all who offer here their worship and praise, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy.

P: Help, save, comfort, and defend us gracious Lord.
C: Amen. 

P: The Lord be with you.
C: And also with you.

Collect {This is a short prayer, often spoken collectively}

The Word of God is Read
Children's Lesson {then kids under 6 are excused for nursery}
First Reading/Old Testament Reading
Epistle Reading
Pre-Gospel/Alleluia Verse:Ancient Words (Michael W. Smith)
Gospel Reading

Sermon {related to one of the assigned scripture readings for this Sunday}
Sermon Hymn: The Heart of Worship (Matt Redman)

The Apostle's Creed
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. From thence he will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen. 

(Note: You may recognize these words from the songs sung by Rich Mullins, Brandon Heath, and Third Day. I LOVE Third Day's version of The Creed and highly suggest it. Some churches may say the Nicene Creed instead. The church that I grew up at often said this Affirmation of Faith instead, which I still love.)

Offering & Offering Song: 10,000 Reasons/Bless the Lord {Matt Redman)

Prayers for All People & The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

The Benediction
Pastor: The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious unto you. The Lord look upon you with favor and give you His peace.
Congregation: Amen

Sending Hymn: Hold Us Together (Matt Maher)

.......................................................

Also, I think it probably goes without saying that "Lutheran" is an extremely broad term. There are ELCA Lutherans, LCMS Lutherans, Wisconsin Evangelical Lutherans, and probably even more kinds that I'm not aware of. Even within one of those groups of Lutherans, the way that church services are held will vary greatly. Some will follow the very traditional order or service, and some will follow a much more contemporary one. The church that we attend is an LCMS church, and utilizes what's called a revolving liturgy, which means that each Sunday is a different style of service ranging from traditional (sometimes even with the organ and all), to contemporary, as well as a mix thereof. This particular Sunday would be an example of the contemporary liturgy.

Whew. So there you have it. If there happen to be any other Lutherans out there reading, how does this compare to what you experience at church? For everyone else, does Sunday Service at the Lutheran church look like you imagined it would? Do you have any questions?

You Just Can't Have It All (A Proverbs 31 Woman Rant).

Some of you may have seen this yesterday on Instagram. The caption was: "Workout done. Now a little devo time before L wakes up. But something had to give, and today that something was dishes." YES, I now have Instagram (username: labuenavidamere) thanks to my parents, who gave me a new phone as an early birthday present! Woo!

Anyway, this post has been rolling around in my head for awhile since I happened across another blog earlier this week. The author was talking about her everyday life, and it came across something like this: 

I run my own business from home. 

I read to my boys for 30 minutes every day and make sure I do many educational activities. 

I exercise every day, with no exceptions. 

I cook every meal from scratch. 

We live on a very strict budget, and successfully meet it every month. 

My husband and I have date night once a week. 

I make it a priority to meet with friends for coffee or lunch weekly. 

I have blog posts planned out months in advance. 

I enjoy cleaning and keeping a well decorated home. 

We expect our children to behave the first time every time, even from a young age. 

I think it's important for me to get dressed and do my makeup every day.  

I spend time reading the Bible, doing devotions, and praying every day.

And I make it a point not to complain, ever, because I'm trying to be a Proverbs 31 Woman.

Basically (my words, not hers)...

Do all these things, and your life will be perfect just like mine. 

It's taken me this long to write about it, because initially I felt pretty snarky...it's hard not to read something like that and roll your eyes sometimes, no? But more and more, I'm feeling like it's a discussion that needs to be had. Especially within the Christian community lately, I've been hearing lots and lots about the "Proverbs 31 Woman" (link here, begin at verse 10), and it seems to me like a lot of people feel like it's their obligation as a woman to be the modern equivalent of the "Proverbs 31 Woman". To do all those things outlined above, perfectly. Heck there's even a very popular Facebook page that suggests that women Live 31!, and that the men in their lives would 'rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria Secret model.' There are numerous comments by Christian men that they want a "Proverbs 31 Woman" for a wife.

Can I be really (unpopularly) honest for a minute? 

Sometimes, hearing about "The Proverbs 31 Woman" in this context makes me want to vomit.

Because although it seems to be popularly held, I don't think that Proverbs 31 is actually calling us to do those things listed above. I don't think it's possible for us as women to do it all and have it all perfectly 100% of the time. To be a perfectly rounded, perfectly accomplished person who gets it right all the time. And I'm not really sure that based on Proverbs 31, it's my job to try either. 

If you'll notice, the whole verse about the Proverbs 31 woman begins with "a wife of noble character, who can find?". As in, she hasn't been found. She doesn't exist, then or now. Then, the author begins an acrostic poem. This is something that we lose in the English translation, but is basically a poem in which each line begins with the next consecutive letter of the alphabet--in other words, it's literally an A-Z listing of all the traits of this non-existent perfect woman/wife. To me, it's a child-hood daydream equivalent of "I'd like a husband with blue eyes, big muscles, who drives a nice car, goes to church every Sunday, makes me dinner every night, and brings me flowers once a week." It's not reality, and it's not meant to be a literal checklist of things that need to be done in order to be doing it right.

You'll notice that in Proverbs 31, we aren't told much about the wife's relationship with her husband. We aren't told anything about her relationship with God. We aren't told about her spiritual, emotional, or physical health. Basically, we don't know that she had it all together 100% of the time, and I really don't think we're expected to either. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't ever clean our homes, or try to spend our days the best that we can. What I'm saying is simply that we're all imperfect. I'm just saying that if you've ever felt weary trying to do it all and be it all, it's okay. I have too, especially chasing after an expectation that I've grown to believe may not be what God expects or wants of me anyhow.  

We all have days where something has to give, somewhere. 

And that's okay. 

I think it always has been.

Sometimes, you just need the wildflowers.

On Monday, I got stitches on my stomach. And they came with directions like "no swimming for 10 days" and "you're not allowed to pick up your daughter". They are big-time irritating, and much harder to forget about than the previous ones on my back.

Yesterday, we went with my mom to pick a few berries. I got stung by a bee in between my toes. It seems like such a small thing, but man ALIVE it hurts. And it's swollen, and itchy, and all I want to do is take some Benadryl (which is allowed by my doctor), but I can't do that until Justin gets home or else I'll fall asleep on the parenting job, ha!

Then, last night we had to leave Justin's baseball game again because Lizzy wasn't listening, and started hitting and kicking me. So, that was also fun, and by the end of the night I was definitely having a bit of a pity party.

I woke up in the same mood. Trudged to the living room to balance the checkbook, flipped on the light switch, and yet another light sparked and burnt out. Clearly, the morning was not planning to turn around on its own.

So, this morning while the coffee was brewing, I went outside and walked around the backyard for a few minutes...even though it looks like it might dump rain on my head any second. I drifted over to the bank of wildflowers, which I'm so glad that I planted this year. Sometimes, you just need to see the wildflowers, you know?  They're a daily reminder for me of all that is a beautiful blessing...because I know there's lots of those beautiful blessings in my life...sometimes I just have to take the time to notice them.

To quote from Phil Robertson (of Duck Dynasty, which y'all NEED to watch if you don't):

 "Nature. They need to get into that more. Look around. [See] what the Almighty created."

Pregnancy #2: 19 weeks

{Okay, Lizzy totally cracks me up in this photo--the hands on her belly? Too funny. And those shorts. Lord, I think we may have a future volleyball player on our hands because she ALWAYS hikes up her little bike shorts like that!}

Compared to Lizzy at 19 weeks:

How far along: 19 weeks.

Size of baby: A mango (The Bump) or a heirloom tomato (BabyCenter). This translates to about 6 inches long and 8.5 ounces.

Weight Gain: -5.But I think I'm roughly the same weight I was when I was pregnant with Lizzy at this point!

Boy or Girl: I definitely feel like I'm carrying differently this time around, and I'll be interested to see whether or not this baby is a boy because of that, but other than that, I don't really have a strong feeling either way. I should also mention that I was 100% convinced that Lizzy was a boy, so obviously, my picker is broken in that way. I think Justin thinks it's a boy because of Lizzy's whole "pink hat, blue hat" thing with Renee, and also because we cannot figure out a girl name for the life of us...we find out on TUESDAY! Place your bets below, y'all!

Symptoms: Heartburn, some Braxton Hicks, and a few days of just feeling crummy by evening if I've been particularly busy that day.

Exercise: Not really. I need to get on that.

Clothes: In the above photo, both the pants and shirt are maternity. I still go back and forth a little bit.

Cravings/Aversions: Not really.

Movement: I'm feeling him or her pretty predictably now, and that's awesome. Every once in awhile, I'll realize that I haven't felt the kiddo in some time, but thankfully, a huge glass of water usually wakes the kiddo right up. That said, the kicks still aren't strong, so I'm betting on an anterior placenta, like last time. 

Worries: No worries, just a little overwhelmed and busy!

Milestones:The little guy/gal is developing vernix, the white "coating" that you sometimes see on babies just after they're born. The kiddo is also developing his or her five sense rapidly, with all kinds of brain development going on this week!

Best moment of the week: This has nothing to do with the baby at all, but Justin and I had a garage sale this weekend. We made $86! Then, we realized that we had totally forgotten about our car registration, which is due this month. Our budget is tight this month, so I immediately started to stress when I remembered it. Then I pulled out the registration info, and do you know how much registration is? $86. It was a total God-thing, and I'm so thankful for it, and for the reminder that He knows our needs, always.

Unity.

You may have noticed the "About Meredith" section on the right hand side of your screen. You may have also noticed that I mention that I'm a Lutheran. Over the course of the time that I've had this blog, I've had lots of people email me questions about that little statement--things like:

Are Lutherans Christians?
Hey, why do Lutherans baptize infants?
Aren't Lutherans super traditional and conservative?
Do you think that everyone who isn't Lutheran is going to hell?
Why are you Lutheran instead of something else?


I'm always happy to answer these questions for two reasons--first, it's been a long time since I went through confirmation class, and it's always good for me to dig in and refresh myself on what the church body that I identify as being a member of believes on any given topic. Second, and probably most importantly, it promotes open discussion and dialogue, which in turn facilitates unity in Christ.

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. -Ephesians 4:3-5

For me, that's the key. We're called to unity in Christ, period. I think it's okay for us to have differences in practice and denomination, but that it's also important to remember that baptism, communion, and whether or not it's considered okay to sing the 'sloppy wet kiss' version of How He Loves at your church are not the big issues.What really matters is that everyone who claims that label of being Christian for themselves has one common belief:

If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.- Romans 10:9

And beyond that, I think it's okay and healthy to respectfully talk about differences in practice, belief, and interpretation because it helps dispel myths and misunderstanding, which again facilitates unity. But it's crucial to do so in the proper frame of reference, which is that we all share the same core value of our faith!


So, in that vein, I thought I'd also open things up to all of you--do you have any questions about what it means to be Lutheran? Do you have any questions (including any of the ones I mentioned above) about our beliefs and practices? What we believe and what we don't? I'm happy to take a stab at anything you (respectfully) throw my way!