Well, it's been awhile little old blog. I feel kind of weird jumping in with a post like this, but I need the processing that writing gives, so there you have it...
In October, I went to my normal doctor for a physical. He said that my thyroid felt a little enlarged. My OB had tested my thyroid back in April--that's just something he does as a part of annuals once you get to a certain age :). Anyway, all my levels were totally fine then, so my doctor ordered an ultrasound to take a look.
I had the ultrasound in November. I remember that the girl performing the ultrasound was quiet during the whole thing, but I've been told that that's common--that the people who perform the ultrasounds at the hospital aren't actually allowed to tell you anything during the procedure. I don't know.
Anyway, the ultrasound showed a "4cm heterogeneous solid with vascularity", which means that I have a biopsy scheduled on Dec 8th. This whole thing is kind of weird, because the endocrinologist that I've been referred to had a biopsy opening before she had a consult opening, so she's actually doing the biopsy without me ever having had the chance to meet with her or talk to her first. I feel like I'm a little in the dark here!
What I do know is this--I know that the size and the vascularity make it slightly more likely that the "nodule" is malignant, but it apparently could still be benign. Several people have told me that 4cm is the threshold for removal whether it is malignant or benign, but I haven't talked to the endocrinologist yet, so I'm not sure if that's her approach or not.
Sometimes, I think I can feel the nodule. Sometimes, when I'm reading to the girls for a long time, I feel like I get a little hoarse, which freaks me out. Then again, I'm not sure whether those are *actually* symptoms, or just in my head. Right now, I kind of freak out with any sore throat, cough, etc...even though those symptoms could easily be explained by my allergies (I'm allergic to Christmas trees!), or any other number of things as well. But, I'm freaked about my thyroid, so I assume it *is* my thyroid.
But really, here's the thing. When I was diagnosed with the weird, rare skin cancer, it was December 12th, 2011. Lizzy was essentially the same age that Becca is now. Several times, I've been sitting in the waiting room for a thyroid appointment, when my Timehop app pops up a status update about waiting for an appointment regarding the skin cancer on that same day 3 years ago. And let's face it, with a biopsy on December 8th, there's a real possibility that I could hear back from them on December 12th this year.
Of course, that doesn't mean anything. I could go in, and find out that it's benign and the endo could feel totally comfortable monitoring it instead of jumping right to surgery. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and not put the cart before the horse, but at the same time, this feels like the weirdest, most surreal deja vu EVER. I'm having a hard time not going "there", to the worst case scenario. To cancer, and surgery, and having to coordinate time off and hospital bills and insurance forms. I just don't want to, you know? I am SO tired of medical stuff. I'm annoyed, and I'm DONE with it, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I mean, I will if I need to. I just don't want to.
Showing posts with label Doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctor. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Monday Morning Musings
This weekend had a lot of really good. It also had a lot of really hard. Such is life, I suppose.
-Friday started out with an unexpected day off for Justin....and 65* weather. What? The weather has been so weird this year--the mountain still hasn't even had enough snow to open for skiers and snowboarders! Anyway, the sunshine was much needed and welcomed for my sanity, and we took full advantage of the day with lots of scooters, bike rides, and a trip to the park. Then, while the kids napped, I planted a bunch of flower bulbs that I had forgotten to plant this fall. We'll see what happens with those!
-I also worked on my second quilt quite a bit and am really loving where that's going, and also had some time on Saturday to {finally} work on Becca's room and hung the gallery wall that I'd had sitting on her dresser for almost two years. I really like how that turned out, and think I didn't do too bad for not measuring or leveling anything or even making a plan in advance, ha! Becca is, of course, crying in the photo because she's been getting molars and is really puny lately. In this instance, I had changed her diaper, and then set her on the ground. Once her feet hit the ground, she started screaming hysterically and pointing to her changing pad and saying "Uppie!!" So, I picked her up and put her on her changing pad, and she was...still hysterical.
-Speaking of Becca being hysterical, she is at that age where she knows what she wants, but doesn't always know the words for what she wants, which means that she is constantly frustrated and constantly throwing herself on the ground. She actually does a pretty good job of communicating--we have one of those "100 First Words" books and she'll often bring it over and point to something that she wants...but the problem is that she can't always HAVE what she wants. The other day she came over at like 6:30am and pointed to the chocolate bar. I asked her if she was hungry, and she shook her finger at me, said "NO", and very dramatically pointed at the chocolate bar. I asked if she wanted chocolate, and she nodded. Yeah, that turned into an epic tantrum. Babies are so weird, and this age is kinda hard in that way.
-This past week, one of our neighbors was killed in a pretty tragic accident at work. We didn't know those neighbors well, but I think his death hit both Justin and I pretty hard--for one, he was in his early forties. Second, he worked in construction, and was killed working at the same project that Justin had been working on for most of the past year. I know it probably sounds silly, but plumbing seems like a safe job. Not like a policeman or a firefighter. I really hadn't given much thought to the fact that Justin could go to work one day and not come home. But of course, that's true of anyone, any day, isn't it?
-Then over the weekend, we got word that an older man from church was in the ICU, and was not expected to make it through the day. He used to help with the youth group quite a bit when Justin and I were in high school, he organized the Easter Egg hunt for the little kids every year, and he was always in charge of the temporary tattoo station at our big summer carnival every year. Everybody called him "Uncle Charlie", and he really did feel like everybody's uncle. Kindness just poured out of him. He seemed to be getting better as the weekend continued on, but we knew that while it could mean he was getting better, it could also just as equally be a "final rally". He passed away on Sunday evening.
-We're having some electrical problems, which are completely FREAKING ME OUT. This is happening to different degrees to two of these same light fixtures in our house. My dad (who is a general contractor) and Justin have both pulled different lights and can't seem to find anything obviously wrong--no arcs, no weird wiring, correct wattage bulbs. Some research online has given us an idea of what's up, but J will have to call an electrician buddy today to verify, and I've been given instructions to basically not use these lights today, which is awesome. And I'm sure that's going to be a fun expense.
-So, you all know that Bones is my favorite TV show, right? Well, this season, one of the story lines is about one of the main characters finding out that he has a very advanced and often deadly form of cancer--Ewing's sarcoma. I seriously can't handle this storyline right now. I'm having to read recaps before I can watch the show. See, the weird form of skin cancer that I had about two years ago was a sarcoma. I know that there are probably hundreds (thousands?) of forms of sarcomas, but I also have my two-year follow up for my skin cancer thing this Wednesday, and I always get really, really anxious before any of my dermatologist appointments because I really just don't want to deal with that again, not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure that the medical costs would bankrupt us. We're still recovering from the financial repercussions of last time. I'd honestly rather bury my head in the sand and forget that there is even such a thing as a sarcoma right now, but that's been hard to do. I know it is nothing compared to the grief that the family members are going through, but the two deaths we've experienced this weekend have been especially hard for me in light of all this as well. I just want to pretend for the next three days that there's no such thing as sarcoma, that there's no such thing as death, and that everything is just puppies and rainbows and ice cream. And I definitely can't handle the storyline of crazy-deadly cancer growing under someone's skin for years and years before anyone had any idea until it was way too late right now. Hello, one of my worst fears.
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So, there's good. Lots of good. There's also a bit that's making me crazy-anxious and borderline hysterical, and means that I want to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE. Wooosah.
-Friday started out with an unexpected day off for Justin....and 65* weather. What? The weather has been so weird this year--the mountain still hasn't even had enough snow to open for skiers and snowboarders! Anyway, the sunshine was much needed and welcomed for my sanity, and we took full advantage of the day with lots of scooters, bike rides, and a trip to the park. Then, while the kids napped, I planted a bunch of flower bulbs that I had forgotten to plant this fall. We'll see what happens with those!
-I also worked on my second quilt quite a bit and am really loving where that's going, and also had some time on Saturday to {finally} work on Becca's room and hung the gallery wall that I'd had sitting on her dresser for almost two years. I really like how that turned out, and think I didn't do too bad for not measuring or leveling anything or even making a plan in advance, ha! Becca is, of course, crying in the photo because she's been getting molars and is really puny lately. In this instance, I had changed her diaper, and then set her on the ground. Once her feet hit the ground, she started screaming hysterically and pointing to her changing pad and saying "Uppie!!" So, I picked her up and put her on her changing pad, and she was...still hysterical.
-Speaking of Becca being hysterical, she is at that age where she knows what she wants, but doesn't always know the words for what she wants, which means that she is constantly frustrated and constantly throwing herself on the ground. She actually does a pretty good job of communicating--we have one of those "100 First Words" books and she'll often bring it over and point to something that she wants...but the problem is that she can't always HAVE what she wants. The other day she came over at like 6:30am and pointed to the chocolate bar. I asked her if she was hungry, and she shook her finger at me, said "NO", and very dramatically pointed at the chocolate bar. I asked if she wanted chocolate, and she nodded. Yeah, that turned into an epic tantrum. Babies are so weird, and this age is kinda hard in that way.
-This past week, one of our neighbors was killed in a pretty tragic accident at work. We didn't know those neighbors well, but I think his death hit both Justin and I pretty hard--for one, he was in his early forties. Second, he worked in construction, and was killed working at the same project that Justin had been working on for most of the past year. I know it probably sounds silly, but plumbing seems like a safe job. Not like a policeman or a firefighter. I really hadn't given much thought to the fact that Justin could go to work one day and not come home. But of course, that's true of anyone, any day, isn't it?
-Then over the weekend, we got word that an older man from church was in the ICU, and was not expected to make it through the day. He used to help with the youth group quite a bit when Justin and I were in high school, he organized the Easter Egg hunt for the little kids every year, and he was always in charge of the temporary tattoo station at our big summer carnival every year. Everybody called him "Uncle Charlie", and he really did feel like everybody's uncle. Kindness just poured out of him. He seemed to be getting better as the weekend continued on, but we knew that while it could mean he was getting better, it could also just as equally be a "final rally". He passed away on Sunday evening.
-We're having some electrical problems, which are completely FREAKING ME OUT. This is happening to different degrees to two of these same light fixtures in our house. My dad (who is a general contractor) and Justin have both pulled different lights and can't seem to find anything obviously wrong--no arcs, no weird wiring, correct wattage bulbs. Some research online has given us an idea of what's up, but J will have to call an electrician buddy today to verify, and I've been given instructions to basically not use these lights today, which is awesome. And I'm sure that's going to be a fun expense.
-So, you all know that Bones is my favorite TV show, right? Well, this season, one of the story lines is about one of the main characters finding out that he has a very advanced and often deadly form of cancer--Ewing's sarcoma. I seriously can't handle this storyline right now. I'm having to read recaps before I can watch the show. See, the weird form of skin cancer that I had about two years ago was a sarcoma. I know that there are probably hundreds (thousands?) of forms of sarcomas, but I also have my two-year follow up for my skin cancer thing this Wednesday, and I always get really, really anxious before any of my dermatologist appointments because I really just don't want to deal with that again, not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure that the medical costs would bankrupt us. We're still recovering from the financial repercussions of last time. I'd honestly rather bury my head in the sand and forget that there is even such a thing as a sarcoma right now, but that's been hard to do. I know it is nothing compared to the grief that the family members are going through, but the two deaths we've experienced this weekend have been especially hard for me in light of all this as well. I just want to pretend for the next three days that there's no such thing as sarcoma, that there's no such thing as death, and that everything is just puppies and rainbows and ice cream. And I definitely can't handle the storyline of crazy-deadly cancer growing under someone's skin for years and years before anyone had any idea until it was way too late right now. Hello, one of my worst fears.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A trip to L&D...but no baby.
So. As those of you following along know, as of last Tuesday I was dilated to a near 4, and having lots of contractions, but they just wouldn't settle into any sort of timetable for any consistent amount of time. I'd have the "perfect" 4-1-1 contractions for an hour, and then right when I was getting ready to call, I wouldn't have another contraction for 40 minutes. It was irritating.
Last night Justin had a late playoff softball game. I'd been having contractions for a few hours before the game, but again they were like 8-10 minutes apart...then 4 minutes apart...then 8-10 minutes apart. They were uncomfortable, and I was starting to get really short with Justin and Lizzy if they'd talk to me during them, but I wasn't convinced that they wouldn't just stop all of a sudden like all the other ones. Since the softball fields are much closer to the hospital than our house is, we decided to just pack all of us up and head to Justin's game. Even though it was way past Lizzy's bedtime, I figured that maybe keeping her up late would actually make her sleep in past...oh 5am.
I timed contractions the whole game. Every once in awhile I'd have a big gap of time in between them, but they were still averaging about 4 minutes apart. They were still uncomfortable and I definitely had to breathe through them, but I didn't know what to do because I did NOT want to go to the hospital only to be sent home. Justin convinced me that we should at least call labor and delivery and see about going to get checked, and that it was no biggie if they just sent us home. So, he called and we went in.
I was telling the nurses that I wasn't 100% sure this was it or that the contractions wouldn't just stop again, but that things had gone so quickly with Lizzy and I was already so dilated that I just wanted to come in and make sure that it wasn't it. The sweet nurse assigned to me had actually been to mom's group before, and was so nice and kept telling me that she was glad that I came in and that I did the right thing...which was sweet...but honestly, I just kept thinking 'Yeah...I did the right thing IF I'm in labor.' She checked me, and said that I was dilated to a 5, and could be easily stretched to a 6, and was about 50% effaced. And then the contractions slowed down.
They monitored me for a little while, and then conferred with my OB, who said that we could either just call it a night and go home, or walk for an hour and then be re-checked and see if that either got things going more or if I dilated further. So, Lizzy went home with Stump (who had been at the softball game too), and Justin and I got to walking.
The contractions started picking up in intensity and frequency, and I was eventually leaning on Justin and swaying through them. At the end of the hour, they were about 2 mins apart, and Justin commented that he could tell they were getting more intense. Those suckers HURT. So, the nurse checked me again, and said that I hadn't really dilated or effaced any more. And once I'd laid down to be checked, the contractions had decreased again, so we were on our way home because they didn't really think I was in active labor.
The nurse kept commenting how strange it was to be sending someone home who was dilated to a 5-6, and how I was a total medical outlier in this situation...which is really kind of funny, because if I had a dollar for every time I'd been told that in a medical setting, I'd be a rich girl. Anyway, they sent us off about 12:30 or 1am, with assurances that they were sure they'd be seeing me again soon, maybe even later that night/morning.
And then I cried most of the way home. Because it sucks and it's frustrating, and I'm sore from head to toe even when I get a break from contracting. The contractions are still coming, but have slowed back down a bit since coming home. I've given up timing them for awhile. I slept a little, but not a lot. I'll probably have this baby in the car, because I'm not really sure when to head back in (and will probably second-guess myself like crazy) other than if my water breaks...so I'm kind of praying that my water just breaks and then there's no debate!
Now, I'm just trying to decide whether to take it easy, pop on a movie for Lizzy, and try to get some rest this morning, or whether to pack us up, head into the mall, and walk like crazy trying to get things going again. But that seems like an awful lot of work for something that I'm not convinced will make any difference, because the trick isn't necessarily GETTING things going, but KEEPING them going.
Blah. Sorry to whine, but I'm kinda over this.
Last night Justin had a late playoff softball game. I'd been having contractions for a few hours before the game, but again they were like 8-10 minutes apart...then 4 minutes apart...then 8-10 minutes apart. They were uncomfortable, and I was starting to get really short with Justin and Lizzy if they'd talk to me during them, but I wasn't convinced that they wouldn't just stop all of a sudden like all the other ones. Since the softball fields are much closer to the hospital than our house is, we decided to just pack all of us up and head to Justin's game. Even though it was way past Lizzy's bedtime, I figured that maybe keeping her up late would actually make her sleep in past...oh 5am.
I timed contractions the whole game. Every once in awhile I'd have a big gap of time in between them, but they were still averaging about 4 minutes apart. They were still uncomfortable and I definitely had to breathe through them, but I didn't know what to do because I did NOT want to go to the hospital only to be sent home. Justin convinced me that we should at least call labor and delivery and see about going to get checked, and that it was no biggie if they just sent us home. So, he called and we went in.
I was telling the nurses that I wasn't 100% sure this was it or that the contractions wouldn't just stop again, but that things had gone so quickly with Lizzy and I was already so dilated that I just wanted to come in and make sure that it wasn't it. The sweet nurse assigned to me had actually been to mom's group before, and was so nice and kept telling me that she was glad that I came in and that I did the right thing...which was sweet...but honestly, I just kept thinking 'Yeah...I did the right thing IF I'm in labor.' She checked me, and said that I was dilated to a 5, and could be easily stretched to a 6, and was about 50% effaced. And then the contractions slowed down.
They monitored me for a little while, and then conferred with my OB, who said that we could either just call it a night and go home, or walk for an hour and then be re-checked and see if that either got things going more or if I dilated further. So, Lizzy went home with Stump (who had been at the softball game too), and Justin and I got to walking.
The contractions started picking up in intensity and frequency, and I was eventually leaning on Justin and swaying through them. At the end of the hour, they were about 2 mins apart, and Justin commented that he could tell they were getting more intense. Those suckers HURT. So, the nurse checked me again, and said that I hadn't really dilated or effaced any more. And once I'd laid down to be checked, the contractions had decreased again, so we were on our way home because they didn't really think I was in active labor.
The nurse kept commenting how strange it was to be sending someone home who was dilated to a 5-6, and how I was a total medical outlier in this situation...which is really kind of funny, because if I had a dollar for every time I'd been told that in a medical setting, I'd be a rich girl. Anyway, they sent us off about 12:30 or 1am, with assurances that they were sure they'd be seeing me again soon, maybe even later that night/morning.
And then I cried most of the way home. Because it sucks and it's frustrating, and I'm sore from head to toe even when I get a break from contracting. The contractions are still coming, but have slowed back down a bit since coming home. I've given up timing them for awhile. I slept a little, but not a lot. I'll probably have this baby in the car, because I'm not really sure when to head back in (and will probably second-guess myself like crazy) other than if my water breaks...so I'm kind of praying that my water just breaks and then there's no debate!
Now, I'm just trying to decide whether to take it easy, pop on a movie for Lizzy, and try to get some rest this morning, or whether to pack us up, head into the mall, and walk like crazy trying to get things going again. But that seems like an awful lot of work for something that I'm not convinced will make any difference, because the trick isn't necessarily GETTING things going, but KEEPING them going.
Blah. Sorry to whine, but I'm kinda over this.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Catching up.
{one}
We made some serious progress in deep cleaning the house this weekend, which is awesome and amazing, because the next FOUR Saturdays are booked up...which is crazy and surreal. We still have a huge amount to do pre-baby, but getting a good check of the general deep-cleaning out of the way is a huge relief. And it's kind of nice that I could actually invite people over to our house again--it really was so bad, that it was out of the question!
{two}
I have a dermatologist appointment this morning, I think to check on how the place where I had stitches on my stomach is holding up, and also to monitor a mole. Even though I don't think it's going to be a big deal, I have a hard time not getting super anxious any time I have a dermatologist appointment. I freaked most of the night last night about the appointment.
{three}
I did some housekeeping to the blog over the weekend--I cleaned up the sidebar a bit, and also revamped the pages in the header. Now, you can find all baby and infant related posts itemized in one central location, and also a master list of all book reviews. I'm also trying something new and opening up a limited number of sidebar ads via Passionfruit-- check it out if you're so inclined (and I promise you won't hear much more from me on the subject).
{four}
We went to a wedding over the weekend for a young couple that used to help with childcare for Mom's Group. Justin and I were cracking up because both the father/daughter dance and the mother/son dance were the exact same songs we used for our wedding. I don't think I've heard them at ANY wedding since then, so it was pretty funny to hear both in one wedding. We kept joking that we guessed we were supposed to be remembering our wedding that day ;)
{five}
I get to start Beth Moore's study of James with some of the ladies from Mom's Group this week, and I am so excited. SO. EXCITED. I have absolutely zero doubt that it'll be really good for me to really dig in to the Word in these last few weeks before having a baby...because I don't know about anyone else, but it is so easy for me to fall out of the habit of daily quiet time, and when I do, nothing good comes of it. Also? Totally crazy to think that I most likely won't finish the study with the group because I'll be off having a baby.
{six}
Last night, I had a conversation with Lizzy about dinner that went like this:Me: Lizzy, would you like a cheeseburger for dinner?
Lizzy: No mom!! I want a hang-a-burger with cheese, please.
If I would have told her that a hang-a-burger with cheese is the same thing as a cheeseburger, it would have resulted in a 37 minute tantrum. Sometimes, it's just easier to call it a hang-a-burger with cheese.
{seven}
I'm in a book slump. I haven't picked up a book that I was really, really excited about reading in too long. This is compounded by the fact that what I read before bed has recently been directly influencing some absolutely crazy pregnancy dreams, so I'm trying to limit myself to happy, inspirational fluff. But yeah...not excited about anything I've read lately. Any suggestions? Monday, September 17, 2012
Thinking About Having A Baby...Again
So I've been thinking a little a lot lately about doing the whole labor and delivery thing again. Just like before, it's something that I have a little bit of anxiety about...I feel like there's just so many scary things that can happen and so much that can go wrong (seriously, we watched What to Expect When You're Expecting the other night, and one of the delivery scenes had me up almost all night freaking out and worrying). It's a situation where I really have very little control, and I like to be in control.
Anyway, I've been reflecting on what labor and delivery were like for me with Lizzy...I wrote about it shortly after she was born, but in having a couple years to think about it and read about a gazillion other birth stories, I think I have a slightly different take on things now than I did then...and some of it I just want to get out of my brain and down on paper.
First, here's a summary of how things went with Lizzy:
My water broke about 4am on a Sunday morning. I got in the shower almost right away, and noticed that my contractions were coming really fast and furious. I'd have contractions that were about 3 minutes long, then a thirty seconds in between, and then another 3 minute contraction...so we headed to the hospital basically right away.
We got to the hospital at about 5am. I was dilated to 4cm, and was super discouraged, because I'd been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks (I think!). I felt like I hadn't been able to catch my breath since we had left home, and the contractions just kept coming and coming with no break, and I was getting hysterical. I was lucky to get 15-20 seconds in between each 2 or 3 minute contraction. In retrospect, if you look up the textbook definitions of transitional labor, that was exactly how I felt from the time my water broke up until this point...which is weird, because if I were only dilated to a 4, I wouldn't be in transition yet. Anyway, I asked for an epidural.
The anesthesiologist came around 6:30am. After he gave me the epidural, I mostly felt better, but almost as soon as he administered it, I couldn't stop shaking uncontrollably. Justin kept giving me blankets, and I kept telling him that I was NOT cold, I just couldn't stop shaking. Sometime shortly after that, shift change happened, and I had a new nurse, who Justin really liked and I really did not. I kept telling her that I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought I needed to be checked. She kept telling me, "Oh honey, it's your first baby, you're going to be here for a very long time." She also kept telling me to eat something, and that Justin needed to take a nap...neither of which I thought were good ideas, and totally ignored her when she brought me some food.
Sometime between 8am and 9am, I finally convinced the nurse to check me...and I was dilated to a 10. I remember commenting that I was starting to feel a lot of pain again, and her responding something about how my IV had gotten bumped and I'd been given way too much fluid. Something like 5 bags since I'd been there.
I sort of remember a doctor (not mine) coming in, and I remember being given the okay to push. Justin and my mom kept asking if I was okay because I was basically silent the whole time (in my own world, I guess). I remember not being sure if I was pushing the right way, and also Justin telling me that I actually needed to inhale in between pushes. I remember being in quite a bit of pain, and being surprised about it--doctors have always told me that I have a very high pain tolerance, and everyone had told me that with an epidural, I should expect pressure, but not pain. But I felt PAIN, and remember wondering if there was a problem with the epidural, but being told that if there was, it was too late to do anything about.
And then, at 10:25am, she was born. 6 hours and 25 minutes after my water broke. I needed a few stitches, and I totally and VIVIDLY remember feeling those. I remember wincing and saying "Ow! Ow! I can feel that!", and the doctor saying that I shouldn't be able to feel that, and that he'd hurry up.
I think I was up and walking around by noon or shortly thereafter. I'd heard horror stories from people about how long it took them to feel their legs again after an epidural, and I was surprised that I could totally feel mine pretty quickly afterwards. That said, recovery was awful. I was in a lot of pain for weeks. I was SO SO SO swollen, everywhere (apparently due to the incident with being given too much fluid). I remember feeling like everything hurt all the time, and wondering why no one had told me how awful the recovery was. Looking back, I really don't remember much of the first week, other than it was terrible and I was miserable.
So. That's that. Now, given some time...here's what I've been wondering:
I remember that in the week before my water broke, we had almost gone to the hospital 3 or 4 times. I'd been having steady contractions, but they just never got any closer together. Looking back, I wonder if I'd been in early labor for a day (or two even) before my water broke, and just didn't fully realize it. I've been a little stressed about the fact that they say labor is shorter with each subsequent baby...and if labor is much shorter than it was with Lizzy, I'm worried about getting to the hospital in time! So, thinking that I'd been in early labor makes me feel a little better, for some reason.
I also wonder whether or not the epidural actually worked for me...or how long it worked for? I think it worked initially, and may have allowed me to relax and fully dilate. But then after that point, I'm not sure that it worked for much longer, and I have no idea whether that was due to the amount of fluids I'd been given, or something else. But I really don't KNOW for sure whether it was working or not...I have nothing to compare it to. I've wondered since shortly after Lizzy was born whether not getting an epidural would have made a difference in how I felt postpartum...if I'd have had an easier recovery if I hadn't gotten one. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if knowing then that I'd only have another couple hours in labor, if I couldn't have gone without it. I think I freaked out initially hearing I was only dilated to a 4, and thinking that I'd have another 20+ hours in labor and that I couldn't handle contractions like that for another 20+ hours. But 2 or 3 hours? I wonder if knowing that it was only like 2-3 more hours would have felt more do-able. Then, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like the reason I dilated to a 10 so quickly was because the epidural allowed me to finally relax. Or maybe that first time I was checked, I was measured incorrectly, and I really was starting to approach transition, like I felt. I just don't know...
I find myself going back and forth between thinking that I should really try to go without an epidural this time...but then again, who knows whether labor this time will be anything like it was with Lizzy? It COULD be 20 hours for all I know. I could not get the epidural only to be miserable and have problems progressing because I can't relax. Or, I could not get the epidural, and find that it really makes all the difference in terms of recovery. Or, I could get an epidural, and find that it's a completely different experience than last time, for better or for worse. I have no idea.
Feel free to chime in y'all...because I'm really feeling torn. Did anybody have an epidural with one kiddo and not with another? What was that difference like for you?
Anyway, I've been reflecting on what labor and delivery were like for me with Lizzy...I wrote about it shortly after she was born, but in having a couple years to think about it and read about a gazillion other birth stories, I think I have a slightly different take on things now than I did then...and some of it I just want to get out of my brain and down on paper.
First, here's a summary of how things went with Lizzy:
My water broke about 4am on a Sunday morning. I got in the shower almost right away, and noticed that my contractions were coming really fast and furious. I'd have contractions that were about 3 minutes long, then a thirty seconds in between, and then another 3 minute contraction...so we headed to the hospital basically right away.
We got to the hospital at about 5am. I was dilated to 4cm, and was super discouraged, because I'd been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks (I think!). I felt like I hadn't been able to catch my breath since we had left home, and the contractions just kept coming and coming with no break, and I was getting hysterical. I was lucky to get 15-20 seconds in between each 2 or 3 minute contraction. In retrospect, if you look up the textbook definitions of transitional labor, that was exactly how I felt from the time my water broke up until this point...which is weird, because if I were only dilated to a 4, I wouldn't be in transition yet. Anyway, I asked for an epidural.
The anesthesiologist came around 6:30am. After he gave me the epidural, I mostly felt better, but almost as soon as he administered it, I couldn't stop shaking uncontrollably. Justin kept giving me blankets, and I kept telling him that I was NOT cold, I just couldn't stop shaking. Sometime shortly after that, shift change happened, and I had a new nurse, who Justin really liked and I really did not. I kept telling her that I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought I needed to be checked. She kept telling me, "Oh honey, it's your first baby, you're going to be here for a very long time." She also kept telling me to eat something, and that Justin needed to take a nap...neither of which I thought were good ideas, and totally ignored her when she brought me some food.
Sometime between 8am and 9am, I finally convinced the nurse to check me...and I was dilated to a 10. I remember commenting that I was starting to feel a lot of pain again, and her responding something about how my IV had gotten bumped and I'd been given way too much fluid. Something like 5 bags since I'd been there.
I sort of remember a doctor (not mine) coming in, and I remember being given the okay to push. Justin and my mom kept asking if I was okay because I was basically silent the whole time (in my own world, I guess). I remember not being sure if I was pushing the right way, and also Justin telling me that I actually needed to inhale in between pushes. I remember being in quite a bit of pain, and being surprised about it--doctors have always told me that I have a very high pain tolerance, and everyone had told me that with an epidural, I should expect pressure, but not pain. But I felt PAIN, and remember wondering if there was a problem with the epidural, but being told that if there was, it was too late to do anything about.
And then, at 10:25am, she was born. 6 hours and 25 minutes after my water broke. I needed a few stitches, and I totally and VIVIDLY remember feeling those. I remember wincing and saying "Ow! Ow! I can feel that!", and the doctor saying that I shouldn't be able to feel that, and that he'd hurry up.
I think I was up and walking around by noon or shortly thereafter. I'd heard horror stories from people about how long it took them to feel their legs again after an epidural, and I was surprised that I could totally feel mine pretty quickly afterwards. That said, recovery was awful. I was in a lot of pain for weeks. I was SO SO SO swollen, everywhere (apparently due to the incident with being given too much fluid). I remember feeling like everything hurt all the time, and wondering why no one had told me how awful the recovery was. Looking back, I really don't remember much of the first week, other than it was terrible and I was miserable.
So. That's that. Now, given some time...here's what I've been wondering:
I remember that in the week before my water broke, we had almost gone to the hospital 3 or 4 times. I'd been having steady contractions, but they just never got any closer together. Looking back, I wonder if I'd been in early labor for a day (or two even) before my water broke, and just didn't fully realize it. I've been a little stressed about the fact that they say labor is shorter with each subsequent baby...and if labor is much shorter than it was with Lizzy, I'm worried about getting to the hospital in time! So, thinking that I'd been in early labor makes me feel a little better, for some reason.
I also wonder whether or not the epidural actually worked for me...or how long it worked for? I think it worked initially, and may have allowed me to relax and fully dilate. But then after that point, I'm not sure that it worked for much longer, and I have no idea whether that was due to the amount of fluids I'd been given, or something else. But I really don't KNOW for sure whether it was working or not...I have nothing to compare it to. I've wondered since shortly after Lizzy was born whether not getting an epidural would have made a difference in how I felt postpartum...if I'd have had an easier recovery if I hadn't gotten one. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if knowing then that I'd only have another couple hours in labor, if I couldn't have gone without it. I think I freaked out initially hearing I was only dilated to a 4, and thinking that I'd have another 20+ hours in labor and that I couldn't handle contractions like that for another 20+ hours. But 2 or 3 hours? I wonder if knowing that it was only like 2-3 more hours would have felt more do-able. Then, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like the reason I dilated to a 10 so quickly was because the epidural allowed me to finally relax. Or maybe that first time I was checked, I was measured incorrectly, and I really was starting to approach transition, like I felt. I just don't know...
I find myself going back and forth between thinking that I should really try to go without an epidural this time...but then again, who knows whether labor this time will be anything like it was with Lizzy? It COULD be 20 hours for all I know. I could not get the epidural only to be miserable and have problems progressing because I can't relax. Or, I could not get the epidural, and find that it really makes all the difference in terms of recovery. Or, I could get an epidural, and find that it's a completely different experience than last time, for better or for worse. I have no idea.
Feel free to chime in y'all...because I'm really feeling torn. Did anybody have an epidural with one kiddo and not with another? What was that difference like for you?
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Pregnancy #2: 28 weeks
{It's pajama day. More on that later.}
And a 28 week shot from when I was pregnant with Lizzy:
How far along: 28 weeks.
Size of baby: An eggplant (The Bump) or a Chinese cabbage (Baby Center). In other words, about 15 inches inches and 2.5 pounds.
Weight Gain: +8-10 pounds total, from pre-pregnancy weight. It varies from day to day.
Symptoms: {Fair warning--this is going to be a little whiny today}. The heartburn is so bad that I now have to sleep sitting up, and none of my sneaky pregnancy cures have been helping (nor has Tums, etc). So there's that. Also, I've been having lots and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, as well as quite a bit of pelvic pressure already. At my OB appointment on Tuesday, my doc told me that it could simply be that I'm more aware of both this time. It could be the activity difference in having a toddler versus sitting at a desk all day. It could be the 106 degree heat we've been having. Or, it could be the fact that up until last night, we haven't had a single night with all three of us at home in over 3 weeks, and I'm just plum doing too much. It hadn't really crossed my mind until the appointment, but even sitting in the bleachers to watch Justin play softball/baseball probably isn't actually as relaxing as it may seem due to the heat, and the fact that we're all out late. There really is something to be said for being home.
Anyway, he told me that he'll probably check me at my 30 week appointment to make sure that I'm not dilating already. In the meantime, he told me that we really need to carve out more rest time and see if that helps calm the contractions and pressure down. He "prescribed" that we need to declare at least one pajama day AND night a week, where I'm inside with the AC on, and literally not doing much besides watching TV, reading, napping, taking a bath, and drinking water. This is harder than it seems--and it seems like even when we do carve out that time, some "emergency" at church comes up, or a friend calls and needs help with something time sensitive, or I have an opportunity to do a photo shoot, or we get invited to do something fun, or they won't have enough people to play in the baseball game if I ask Justin to stay home. We are the type of people who go-go-go, and Justin and I both have a hard time saying no. It's also frustrating for me, because I feel like we're home so little as it is that when we ARE here, we really both need to be doing dishes, laundry, etc. It's not that Justin doesn't help with that stuff, it's just that because everything gets crammed into one day or evening, we really BOTH need to be doing it if it's going to get done. I feel like I'd have less problem lounging on the couch if I magically woke up to a totally cleaned house, but I'm honestly not sure if that's really true either.
I'm trying to be good about it, because I know that if I don't carve out that time, there's a possibility that I could end up on bed-rest later on, which would obviously just suck. But sometimes, it's hard to be good about it. For example, I really really wanted to go to the Mom's Group playdate at the water park today. I'm feeling kind of lonely lately and desperately need some adult interaction, so I was really looking forward to it. But, I have a photo shoot at a bridal shower this evening, and I know if go to the park and sit in the heat all afternoon, I'm going to be having contractions like crazy by evening. So, I'm here on the couch instead, having pajama day...trying to ignore our disaster of a house, the mountain of dishes, and the fact that my kiddo is bouncing off the walls.
Exercise: Not right now, for the reasons mentioned above.
Clothes: Mostly maternity, though all the "lounge clothes" in this week's photo are regular stuff.
Cravings/Aversions: I'm having a hard time drinking enough water lately.
Movement: Yep :) We've started with the kick counts this week as well.
Worries: Just the above!
Milestones: She's got eyelashes! Hopefully, she inherited the bright blue eyes and super long eyelashes from her dad :) Other than developing eyesight, she's mostly just fattening up at this point.
What's Different This Time: This post is long enough as it is this week ;)
Best moment of the week: A night at home...finally. Also, I loved getting to see a sneak peek of the quilt my mom is working on!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Pregnancy #2: 24 weeks
I feel lumpy and blah this week.
This has been one of the first weeks I've thought I looked better and smaller in the weekly photo from Lizzy. Anyway, compared to 24 weeks with Lizzy:
How far along: 24 weeks....which means it's viability week (i.e. 50% of babies born at 24 weeks survive--incredibly, I think next week at 25 weeks the statistic jumps to a 70% survival rate).
Size of baby: A cantaloupe (The Bump) or an ear of corn (Baby Center). In other words, 10.5 to 11.8 inches and about 12.7 to 20.8 ounces.
Weight Gain: +2 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. I had a different nurse than usual at my OB this week, and discovered that apparently, she is counting from my lowest weight, as she said, "Oh...you've gained 11 pounds...that's not too bad." {cue mini internal freak out from me} Personally, I think that's silly--I don't know about you all, but if I've lost weight due to being sick, practically as soon as I look at jello or chicken broth, I gain that weight right back. So yeah, for my own sanity, I plan to track from pre-pregnancy weight rather than first-trimester-sick weight.
Symptoms: Still heartburn. Every week, I find myself thinking 'I've GOTTA pick up some Tums!' Also, I'm starting to find myself pretty uncomfortable and just big at times...which is kind of scary because I've got 16 weeks to go!
Exercise:Yes! Still on the elliptical. Not super intense, but I'm sweating, which I think is good. Today was difficult--I only made it 15 minutes, and totally felt like I was slogging through mud the whole time. It wasn't fun, but I'm feeling super motivated to exercise after watching my sister-in-law Renee and how amazing she looks and seems to have recovered after her pregnancy, which I know she attributes to exercising this time. I definitely got a later start to exercising, but I'm hoping that even at this point, and even at a fairly low-intensity level, it'll make things easier post-partum.
Clothes: In this week's photo, the shorts are maternity, the tank is an old Target Long & Lean tank (not maternity).
Cravings/Aversions:Nothing specific that I'm indulging in.
Movement: Yep! Lizzy got to feel a kick while snuggling on the couch watching TV the other day, and she was thrilled.
Worries: Right now they're mostly at bay--I did ask my dermatologist's nurse about the mole on my boob that I was freaking about, and she took a photo and said she's going to have me come back in 2 months to check it out again. That calmed me down, 'cause even though I didn't see the doctor herself, I know she probably looked at the photo yesterday, and would have called to take it off right away if she was concerned. I'm so thankful for her and her awesome nurses.
Now, the only other thing I'm stressed about is that OHSU has apparently decided to send us to collections even though we've been making a payment every month. So that's awesome. I'd always been told they can't do that as long as you're making a payment, but apparently they can, at least here in Oregon. The lady on the phone said that I was being "uncooperative in paying the minimum required amount" and had "refused a payment arrangement". I about lost my shit--because the bottom line is that OHSU took a look at Justin's income from last December (which I've explained time and again is light-years away from his current income), did not consider any of our other expenses and/or debt, and decided how much we can pay. And for us, that number is unrealistic no matter how much budget tweaking we do. So we pay what we can every month. Some months, that's not a lot, and some months it's more. But we make a payment every months, and that doesn't seem to matter to OHSU. All that seems to matter to them is that our account must be paid off in a certain number of months, or we're apparently sent to collections. Regardless of the balance, regardless of the procedure. And now I'm trying not to stress about it, because we're doing the best we can, and there's nothing we can do differently.
PSA: Wear sunscreen. Do skin checks regularly. Because skin cancer is expensive, even with insurance.
Milestones: Her lungs are developing, including cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help air sacs inflate once she's born. Also, her skin is becoming less and less translucent.
What's Different This Time: Still no name. Also, I'm generally going to OB appointments by myself this time, which is kind of major for me.
Best moment of the week: There were lots of good moments--despite my little rant about OHSU, it's actually been a really good week! Lizzy felt the baby kick, we got to hear baby girl's heartbeat via the doppler on Tuesday, and the mole I was worried about on my stomach came back definitively not melanoma. There's good all around :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Crazier than Usual...
So, on Friday the dermatologist called to tell me that the spot that she removed was not melanoma. It was actually nothing at all, other than my awesome doctor being overly cautious. Thank God!
But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'
Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '
By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.
And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.
I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.
When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.
Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)
But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'
Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '
By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.
And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.
{which is really kind of humorous if you think about it}
I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.
When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.
Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
So.
I had my follow-up appointment with my dermatologist today regarding the skin cancer fiasco back in January. As I thought, the site of the skin cancer on my back looks fine, but she quickly focused in on a mole on my stomach above my belly button instead. She had asked about it last time, as it has slightly irregular borders--I told her that I've always had it and that it has always looked similar, but that it did seem to "stretch out" last time I was pregnant with Lizzy, and never completely went back to its pre-pregnancy shape. Then again, lot of things didn't.
She simply said that we'll watch it, and to remind her to look at it the next time I came in. So this time I did--and I figured that it was actually kind of a good thing I was pregnant, because it meant that she could actually see how it stretches.
She said that although skin definitely changes during pregnancy, and although pregnancy is obviously the worst possible time to remove a mole from the stomach, she wants to remove it ASAP. I go back Monday afternoon. It had stretched from 8mm to 11mm, and none of the other moles on my belly had stretched the same way during this pregnancy, and she said that she's just not going to take any chances with me, because any time a mole changes, you have to be concerned with melanoma. And though she doesn't think it's melanoma, she didn't think the mystery bruise was a super-rare form of skin cancer either. As she said, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people...twice. And I'm just not going to take any chances with you."
Which I'm thankful for. But also? A little bit terrified. Because melanoma is a big, scary word. And I know that we have no idea whether or not this little mole is or isn't melanoma yet, but it's hard for me not to go there...last time around, the answer was, "Yes, you have skin cancer." It's hard for me not to assume that's going to be the answer again this time (though for the record, the type I had previously does not increase my chances for any other kind of skin cancer in the future). I know that's not necessarily logical, but that's just the way my brain works.
And honestly? I just don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do the waiting and worrying. I don't want to do the months and months of paying doctors and hospitals. I don't want to do the weeks of not being able to physically pick up Lizzy...because even after stitches are removed, the skin is only at 10% strength. I definitely don't want to do whatever it is that comes after this if it IS skin cancer. Again.
And when I got in the car, and that song that goes "what if blessings come through raindrops" was on the radio, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Because although it's true, and I saw it in my own life last time around, I don't want to do it again. No gracias. And so right now, no matter how many Bible verses or devotions I read, or how many pages of scribbled frantic handwriting I jot into my prayer journal...right now...the bottom line is that I'm just a little bit scared. A little bit overwhelmed.
Sigh. Again.
She simply said that we'll watch it, and to remind her to look at it the next time I came in. So this time I did--and I figured that it was actually kind of a good thing I was pregnant, because it meant that she could actually see how it stretches.
She said that although skin definitely changes during pregnancy, and although pregnancy is obviously the worst possible time to remove a mole from the stomach, she wants to remove it ASAP. I go back Monday afternoon. It had stretched from 8mm to 11mm, and none of the other moles on my belly had stretched the same way during this pregnancy, and she said that she's just not going to take any chances with me, because any time a mole changes, you have to be concerned with melanoma. And though she doesn't think it's melanoma, she didn't think the mystery bruise was a super-rare form of skin cancer either. As she said, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people...twice. And I'm just not going to take any chances with you."
Which I'm thankful for. But also? A little bit terrified. Because melanoma is a big, scary word. And I know that we have no idea whether or not this little mole is or isn't melanoma yet, but it's hard for me not to go there...last time around, the answer was, "Yes, you have skin cancer." It's hard for me not to assume that's going to be the answer again this time (though for the record, the type I had previously does not increase my chances for any other kind of skin cancer in the future). I know that's not necessarily logical, but that's just the way my brain works.
And honestly? I just don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do the waiting and worrying. I don't want to do the months and months of paying doctors and hospitals. I don't want to do the weeks of not being able to physically pick up Lizzy...because even after stitches are removed, the skin is only at 10% strength. I definitely don't want to do whatever it is that comes after this if it IS skin cancer. Again.
And when I got in the car, and that song that goes "what if blessings come through raindrops" was on the radio, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Because although it's true, and I saw it in my own life last time around, I don't want to do it again. No gracias. And so right now, no matter how many Bible verses or devotions I read, or how many pages of scribbled frantic handwriting I jot into my prayer journal...right now...the bottom line is that I'm just a little bit scared. A little bit overwhelmed.
Sigh. Again.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
This morning....
-I'm thinking of the stuffed zucchini recipe that I made for dinner last night. I was inspired by this awesome recipe from Annie's Eats:
But I was running short on time and ingredients, and so I just combined ground beef, pasta sauce, and sprinkled a bit of parmesan cheese on top (and baked in a water bath). They were delicious. I think Justin ate 3 of them. So, I can't even imagine how much more delicious the Annie's Eats version would be!
-I'm nervous about my skin cancer follow-up appointment tomorrow afternoon, even though I don't have any reason to think that I should be.
-I'm beyond irritated with OHSU, who handled the skin cancer fiasco, and who also sent me a letter that we received yesterday saying that they'd be sending us to collections as of today for non-payment.
Only? According to my records and my bank account, we last made a payment on 6/11/12 over the phone...so I have no idea what this "non-payment" crap is about. Literally, every month since the procedure in January, there has been some sort of issue with OHSU, and I'm tired of spending time each month on the phone with them trying to explain how they've messed up...again. I've done my share of paying on medical bills in my life, and literally no one has handled it as poorly as OHSU.
-I'm excited about the raspberry freezer jam that I made yesterday. If you've ever wanted to make jam, you should check out this photo tutorial that I did last year, because it literally takes 30 minutes and is the easiest and best thing in the world. And there's no cooking or baking involved whatsoever.
-I'm loving this photo that Kaitlin snapped of Lizzy last Monday while we were all berry picking. I totally stole it off Facebook. Speaking of berry picking...I really probably should, you know, WASH the blueberries that we picked a week ago, and actually do something with them.
-I'm excited about this stack of books that I got at the library for $1, total. Love their fill-a-bag sales!
-I'm still laughing about the shirt that I got for Justin (bottom photo) on clearance for $3 for himwhile he and the other Justin tried their hand at making beer for the first time this past weekend. They've totally decided that their first batch of beer will be the BEST! BEER! EVER! (even if it doesn't turn out), just because they made it. I think they're probably right!
But I was running short on time and ingredients, and so I just combined ground beef, pasta sauce, and sprinkled a bit of parmesan cheese on top (and baked in a water bath). They were delicious. I think Justin ate 3 of them. So, I can't even imagine how much more delicious the Annie's Eats version would be!
-I'm nervous about my skin cancer follow-up appointment tomorrow afternoon, even though I don't have any reason to think that I should be.
-I'm beyond irritated with OHSU, who handled the skin cancer fiasco, and who also sent me a letter that we received yesterday saying that they'd be sending us to collections as of today for non-payment.
Only? According to my records and my bank account, we last made a payment on 6/11/12 over the phone...so I have no idea what this "non-payment" crap is about. Literally, every month since the procedure in January, there has been some sort of issue with OHSU, and I'm tired of spending time each month on the phone with them trying to explain how they've messed up...again. I've done my share of paying on medical bills in my life, and literally no one has handled it as poorly as OHSU.
-I'm excited about the raspberry freezer jam that I made yesterday. If you've ever wanted to make jam, you should check out this photo tutorial that I did last year, because it literally takes 30 minutes and is the easiest and best thing in the world. And there's no cooking or baking involved whatsoever.
-I'm loving this photo that Kaitlin snapped of Lizzy last Monday while we were all berry picking. I totally stole it off Facebook. Speaking of berry picking...I really probably should, you know, WASH the blueberries that we picked a week ago, and actually do something with them.
-I'm excited about this stack of books that I got at the library for $1, total. Love their fill-a-bag sales!
-I'm still laughing about the shirt that I got for Justin (bottom photo) on clearance for $3 for himwhile he and the other Justin tried their hand at making beer for the first time this past weekend. They've totally decided that their first batch of beer will be the BEST! BEER! EVER! (even if it doesn't turn out), just because they made it. I think they're probably right!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Baby #2: 12 weeks
How far along: 12 weeks, 1 day (measuring 12 weeks, 4 days)
Size of baby: A plum. At the ultrasound yesterday, the tech said he or she was 2 inches long.
Weight Gain: -7 pounds by the doctor's scale, -15 by mine at home. But honestly, it doesn't look or feel to me like I've actually lost weight!
Symptoms: Same. But overall, more good days than bad.
Exercise: Still battling first trimester yucks and exhaustion, but I did manage to do the TurboFire toning DVD once.
Clothes: Regular stuff. Still can't find my bella band.
Cravings/Aversions: Last night, I told Justin that I really wanted pizza for dinner. He basically said that we just don't have an eating out budget this month (which is totally true, and yes, it's our mutual policy to hold each other accountable about budget stuff like that). And I snapped back that pizza was the only thing that I could possibly eat that night, and that if I couldn't have pizza, I wouldn't eat anything at all. Yes, it was quite melodramatic, and came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. Needless to say, Justin told me to up a $5 pizza from Little Caesars, and it was delicious. And it'll probably come out of my grocery budget, but it'll be worth it.
Movement: Yesterday morning I thought I might have felt some "popcorn" movement, and pretty much pretended all morning that it was the baby. However, I think it was probably gas bubbles or something else, because (a) it's looking like I'll probably have an anterior placenta again, and (b) the baby was moving around like crazy during the ultrasound and I didn't feel a thing.
Worries: Today, I'm feeling okay. Thank you God, for the peace that only You can provide!
Milestones: Most of baby's critical systems are fully formed already. He or she is opening and closing his fingers and curling toes, too. The brain continues to develop fast, and the baby is wiggling around there like a worm.
Best moment of the week: Seeing the little one via ultrasound yesterday! I had literally had nightmares about yesterday's appointment for 10 days in a row, so I was super nervous going into it, and super relieved that everything looked just fine.
Also, an amazing story about my OB and insurance that I want to remember: I debated about whether or not to include this, because I know a lot of people get really passionate and opinionated about government assistance/healthcare, and I feel like I'll probably get some side-eyes and nasty anonymous comments for talking about it. But, it is a true, honest blessing, and so...here goes. In addition to having a ridiculous $5,000 deductible for insurance, which we have almost met thanks to the skin cancer procedures from January, we also discovered that even after we reach that deductible, they only pay 70% for maternity, up until we've paid $15,000 out of pocket each calendar year. Nice, right? So, it turns out that in Oregon, during pregnancy, you can apply for Oregon's version of Medicaid (OHP) to act as supplemental insurance to your private insurance in some cases, such as when you have a very high deductible. We talked about it for awhile. It wasn't a decision we made lightly. Ultimately, we applied, and I was approved, and that was and is a huge blessing to our family.
But, a lot of OBs don't accept OHP as supplemental insurance, including mine. I knew this going into it and was fine with that--it would still apply for the hospital and be a huge help to us there. However, when we met with the billing person at our OB's office yesterday, she was explaining that we'd have to pay $300 a month to cover the remaining $1000 or so we have left before we hit our deductible, plus the 30% after that. I almost cried. We told her that we were more than happy to pay in full, we just couldn't pay $300 a month. We're still paying down the skin cancer surgery/biopsies/doctors, which are broken into multiple different bills, and I feel like I'm having to spend an inordinate amount of time each month explaining to people in various billing departments that we budget down to the penny each month and will send them absolutely as much as we can, but that it may not be as much as they are asking. Still, we get letters that say things like, "Thank you for your payment. The minimum payment that we require is ____. Please send that amount next time." It's hard sometimes, trying to make everyone happy. Often, they're not, but we're doing the best we can.
As we explained this to the billing person, she said that she'd be right back. When she came back in, she told us that my OB had said that he'd make an exception in our circumstances and accept OHP as secondary insurance. Which means we'll probably pay around $100 out of pocket for this pregnancy. And I'm not really sure I can express in words how truly thankful I am for this because we have spent (and continue to spend) a LOT of money on medical expenses this year. It is a blessing. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I am so thankful. And if I get flamed for being on government healthcare in this circumstance, so be it. Obviously, it's not the place I'd like to be in an ideal world. But, I'm so thankful it's an option that was available to us and wish there wasn't such a stigma around talking about it.
{Heartbeat was 178. I believe Lizzy was 168ish around this same time}
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday Thoughts
{one}
I get my stitches out today. FINALLY. They are driving me crazy. Starting yesterday, they started to itch terribly and are getting red and a little painful. Most people I've consulted said it looks like they're just ready to come out rather than that they're infected...I hope the doctor agrees!{two}
I'm excited to hopefully get back to some real exercise soon. I've been walking on the treadmill with some regularity since I had the stitches, but after years of playing competitive sports, walking just doesn't feel like a "real" workout to me--which is probably something I need to get over. I know intuitively that it should just be about moving my body in some way every day, but I really love to feel that burn and exhaustion of really killing myself.{three}
I'm starting to get the D&R itch (decorating & renovating for any non-nesties out there). First of all, I definitely want to paint the living room...a light blue sort of like this:
Or maybe this, though the paint color may be a little bright in this one:
I prefer Behr paint (or something that Behr will color match)--any suggestions? I also think I want to re-do our gallery wall to incorporate some floating shelves. My parents got us the most amazing wireless printer for Christmas, but it takes up a big portion of our computer desk (and even though it's wireless, the desk really is the best spot for it in our home). I was thinking that if we incorporated some shelves into our gallery wall, I might be able to find some cute hanging folders and/or boxes, they could help with the stray paper issue we're experiencing!
But as always...it's a juggle between all of the projects that I WANT to do (i.e. build a table, organize our spare room, organize the garage), and having the time and money to do them!
{four}
You may (or may not) have noticed that my blog was blacked out yesterday in protest against SOPA. You may be sick to death about hearing about SOPA (good--have you done something about it?), or you may be wondering why people online are having such a fit about a piece of legislation designed to stop online piracy. Here's the deal--the idea of stopping online piracy and copyright infringement is a good one. However, this particular piece of legislation is pretty poorly written with lots of holes, and the practical application for a good portion of the internet, including bloggers, is SCARY. I'm not suggesting that there shouldn't be a piece of legislation designed to combat piracy (in fact, there's been an alternative piece of legislation drawn up by my own Oregonian senator that, with some tweaks, might be a good alternative), I'm just suggesting that THIS particular piece of legislation is a bad one. This article "Everything you need to know about Congress' online piracy bills in one post" is an excellent recap.Link up, over at Life of Love!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Rest & A Question About Naptime
Today, a lot of the ladies from my mom's group started a new Bible Study (Becoming a Woman of Simplicity by Cynthia Heald). During the video, she commented about how it's not only the trivial that clutters our lives, but the important as well, and that it can be hard to be still...hard to stop. I almost laughed out loud.
See, normally when Lizzy is down for a nap, I run around trying to workout, shower, clean up the house, pay bills, etc. I often long for an excuse to just lay around reading books, browsing the internet, nap, catch up on DVR'ed tv shows, or just generally do nothing. In fact, not too long ago when Beth Anne (who I still think of as Blair, and probably always will) was sick with the flu, I think I told her on Twitter that I would love to be ordered by a doctor to stay in bed and do nothing (though I could do without the flu portion of things).
HA. HA. HA.
Since Friday, I've pretty much been ordered to do just that--rest.I'm not supposed to pick up Lizzy. I'm not really supposed to do housework...although I've broken that rule a couple of times to do dishes, and definitely hurt afterwards. I'm not supposed to exercise. I'm just supposed to lay here and read, nap, watch TV, and rest.
It's much harder than I thought it would be. For as much as I used to long for a whole week of doing nothing, I really had no idea how restless it would make me! But, I'm trying to be good and follow the rules, because other than the fact that I need to be good to my body and let it heal, I'm also sure that by next week when I'm back to go-go-going, I'll be craving those slow, quiet afternoons to read. And maybe I just need to find some sort of balance between the two--maybe one free pass each week to just read and relax during nap time rather than to achieve and accomplish.We'll see...I need to think on it some more.
I'd also love to hear from other moms--if you're home while your kiddo naps, what do you use that nap time for? Is that your time to clean the house? Is it your time to workout? Is it your time to read or take a nap? Your time to craft? To catch up on blogs? Let me please be very clear that I don't think any of those things are the "right" thing to do--I'm just curious how other moms use that time!
See, normally when Lizzy is down for a nap, I run around trying to workout, shower, clean up the house, pay bills, etc. I often long for an excuse to just lay around reading books, browsing the internet, nap, catch up on DVR'ed tv shows, or just generally do nothing. In fact, not too long ago when Beth Anne (who I still think of as Blair, and probably always will) was sick with the flu, I think I told her on Twitter that I would love to be ordered by a doctor to stay in bed and do nothing (though I could do without the flu portion of things).
HA. HA. HA.
Since Friday, I've pretty much been ordered to do just that--rest.I'm not supposed to pick up Lizzy. I'm not really supposed to do housework...although I've broken that rule a couple of times to do dishes, and definitely hurt afterwards. I'm not supposed to exercise. I'm just supposed to lay here and read, nap, watch TV, and rest.
It's much harder than I thought it would be. For as much as I used to long for a whole week of doing nothing, I really had no idea how restless it would make me! But, I'm trying to be good and follow the rules, because other than the fact that I need to be good to my body and let it heal, I'm also sure that by next week when I'm back to go-go-going, I'll be craving those slow, quiet afternoons to read. And maybe I just need to find some sort of balance between the two--maybe one free pass each week to just read and relax during nap time rather than to achieve and accomplish.We'll see...I need to think on it some more.
I'd also love to hear from other moms--if you're home while your kiddo naps, what do you use that nap time for? Is that your time to clean the house? Is it your time to workout? Is it your time to read or take a nap? Your time to craft? To catch up on blogs? Let me please be very clear that I don't think any of those things are the "right" thing to do--I'm just curious how other moms use that time!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Week 2
Fear is sneaky.
It comes in unexpected places.
Like, the book that I have been on the waiting list for at the library for months, only to finally receive and realize that it's about a mother with cancer, who I'm getting the impression will die.
Or the episode of The Closer two weeks ago--which Justin and I sat down to watch eager for some relief after finding out that the diagnosis was in fact skin cancer, only to realize that a major sub-story in that particular episode was Brenda's father being diagnosed with thyroid cancer.
It's in writing my monthly Letter to Lizzy, and the brief thought that appeared out of nowhere, "I wonder if I started doing these because I would die when Lizzy is young. I wonder if these will be the only thing she remembers me by."
Or, it's in having a stomach ache, and wondering if I ate something that didn't agree with me, or if the cancer is just more advanced than they knew.
The trouble is, that once that fear is there...it can be hard to banish. But sometime last week, I decided that my fear is just not going to encroach on the joy that this time of year brings. I just will not allow myself to linger on it. Thankfully, I can usually count on sleep to help, and to feel calm when I wake. Immersing myself in fiction also helps. Consequently, I'm doing a lot more sleeping and reading than cleaning house or making dinner lately. Our house is a disaster, but the trade-off (my mental health) has been well worth it.
Also, last week, my dermatologist spent over a half an hour on the phone, answering every question and concern that I had. Thank GOD for her. I remember finishing the conversation with her, and just feeling confident and at peace...but how quickly that confidence can be shaken! Even later that same day, I found myself worrying and doubting again. I wrote my questions and her answers down while we were speaking, but I'm the type of person that learns by writing. So, I'm going to type up some of my questions and her answers here, just so that the knowledge can sink even further into my bones and my soul. Also, I hope it will answer some of the questions that have been asked by all of you!
Me: As far as going to Portland for the surgery, was it just that the local doctor doesn't handle this type of skin cancer and/or that the hospital there was just more familiar with it? Not necessarily that it is a bad type of cancer, but just that it needed to be addressed quickly?
Dr: A little of both--the local doctor couldn't get you in until March, and it just can't wait that long. Also, the local doctor wanted you to have the procedure in Portland because DFSP is sometimes an iceberg--it can be bigger than you might think initially. I've actually seen cases of huge DFSP tumors quite often because I trained at Mayo Clinic, and sometimes it can be no big deal, but you never know for sure until you get in there.
Me: Is there any reason to worry or suspect that I may have more of these DFSP's elsewhere?
Dr: No. These come singly. I've never seen a case with more than one at once. Occasionally, they may come back right where they were, but not in groupings.
Me: Because of the small size, is it your guess that it was caught early?
Dr: What I could feel felt small. What I cut out felt about the size of a lima bean. I didn't feel more beneath that that seemed like DFSP, but it can occasionally send out tendrils, and the cancer cells were close to the edges of what I cut out, which is why we need to do the Moh's procedure, to make sure it is all gone.
Me: Are there any follow-ups to make sure that the clear margins were achieved with the Moh's procedure?
Dr: You'll come back every 4-6 months for several years. I have had a patient who had a recurrence of DFSP--she I could both feel it right away in her skin exam. You can usually see or feel recurrences. Moh's procedure gives the best protection against recurrence.
Me: So just to confirm, the prognosis is good?
Dr: Yes, as long as it is taken care of quickly.
Me: Before we found out about the DFSP, we had been talking about possibly having more kids. That's off the table for now, but would you be able to let us know when that's something that we could start discussing again?
Dr: As far as I'm concerned, you could be trying now. I don't think there would be any reason to worry if you became pregnant--it wouldn't affect your treatment, and the DFSP wouldn't affect a pregnancy.
The pregnancy talk is still tabled for the moment--I would just feel better waiting for now. At least until Portland is done. But, my doctor's comments that she would have no problem okaying us to start trying is helpful to me in putting this all into context. She must really consider the prognosis to be good if she was ready to okay trying to conceive.
Thank you guys so much for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. It means so much.
It comes in unexpected places.
Like, the book that I have been on the waiting list for at the library for months, only to finally receive and realize that it's about a mother with cancer, who I'm getting the impression will die.
Or the episode of The Closer two weeks ago--which Justin and I sat down to watch eager for some relief after finding out that the diagnosis was in fact skin cancer, only to realize that a major sub-story in that particular episode was Brenda's father being diagnosed with thyroid cancer.
It's in writing my monthly Letter to Lizzy, and the brief thought that appeared out of nowhere, "I wonder if I started doing these because I would die when Lizzy is young. I wonder if these will be the only thing she remembers me by."
Or, it's in having a stomach ache, and wondering if I ate something that didn't agree with me, or if the cancer is just more advanced than they knew.
The trouble is, that once that fear is there...it can be hard to banish. But sometime last week, I decided that my fear is just not going to encroach on the joy that this time of year brings. I just will not allow myself to linger on it. Thankfully, I can usually count on sleep to help, and to feel calm when I wake. Immersing myself in fiction also helps. Consequently, I'm doing a lot more sleeping and reading than cleaning house or making dinner lately. Our house is a disaster, but the trade-off (my mental health) has been well worth it.
Also, last week, my dermatologist spent over a half an hour on the phone, answering every question and concern that I had. Thank GOD for her. I remember finishing the conversation with her, and just feeling confident and at peace...but how quickly that confidence can be shaken! Even later that same day, I found myself worrying and doubting again. I wrote my questions and her answers down while we were speaking, but I'm the type of person that learns by writing. So, I'm going to type up some of my questions and her answers here, just so that the knowledge can sink even further into my bones and my soul. Also, I hope it will answer some of the questions that have been asked by all of you!
Me: As far as going to Portland for the surgery, was it just that the local doctor doesn't handle this type of skin cancer and/or that the hospital there was just more familiar with it? Not necessarily that it is a bad type of cancer, but just that it needed to be addressed quickly?
Dr: A little of both--the local doctor couldn't get you in until March, and it just can't wait that long. Also, the local doctor wanted you to have the procedure in Portland because DFSP is sometimes an iceberg--it can be bigger than you might think initially. I've actually seen cases of huge DFSP tumors quite often because I trained at Mayo Clinic, and sometimes it can be no big deal, but you never know for sure until you get in there.
Me: Is there any reason to worry or suspect that I may have more of these DFSP's elsewhere?
Dr: No. These come singly. I've never seen a case with more than one at once. Occasionally, they may come back right where they were, but not in groupings.
Me: Because of the small size, is it your guess that it was caught early?
Dr: What I could feel felt small. What I cut out felt about the size of a lima bean. I didn't feel more beneath that that seemed like DFSP, but it can occasionally send out tendrils, and the cancer cells were close to the edges of what I cut out, which is why we need to do the Moh's procedure, to make sure it is all gone.
Me: Are there any follow-ups to make sure that the clear margins were achieved with the Moh's procedure?
Dr: You'll come back every 4-6 months for several years. I have had a patient who had a recurrence of DFSP--she I could both feel it right away in her skin exam. You can usually see or feel recurrences. Moh's procedure gives the best protection against recurrence.
Me: So just to confirm, the prognosis is good?
Dr: Yes, as long as it is taken care of quickly.
Me: Before we found out about the DFSP, we had been talking about possibly having more kids. That's off the table for now, but would you be able to let us know when that's something that we could start discussing again?
Dr: As far as I'm concerned, you could be trying now. I don't think there would be any reason to worry if you became pregnant--it wouldn't affect your treatment, and the DFSP wouldn't affect a pregnancy.
The pregnancy talk is still tabled for the moment--I would just feel better waiting for now. At least until Portland is done. But, my doctor's comments that she would have no problem okaying us to start trying is helpful to me in putting this all into context. She must really consider the prognosis to be good if she was ready to okay trying to conceive.
Thank you guys so much for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. It means so much.
Monday, December 12, 2011
So.
First of all, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers through this whole "mystery bruise" ordeal. I so appreciate all your words of encouragement.
So. The dermatologist called this afternoon and told me that the "mystery bruise" is actually the weird form of skin cancer (DFSP I think). Again, she told me that I don't need to worry--that this type of skin cancer does not spread anywhere else, but that it can grow pretty aggressively where it's at, so they will need to do something called a Moh's Procedure to make sure that she got every last bit. Basically, with this procedure, they remove a layer of skin at a time, test it, and then continue until there's no trace of the DFSP.
She also told me that most times, DFSP's aren't found until they are like grapefruit sized. Mine was like dime sized, so it was very small, which is great.
So now, the issue is that there are apparently only two people in Oregon who do the Moh's Procedure--one locally and one up on Portland. My derm is now trying to convince the local guy to clear a space for me in the next six weeks or so...otherwise we will have to drive up to Portland and stay for a few days, which would be doable, but just another extra expense that we don't need right now!
I'm actually not freaking out that much--not at all really. I'm just hoping they can get me in soon for the Moh's Procedure. I'm sure the worry will probably come, but right now I feel pretty at peace, and for that I'm thankful.
But in terms of good news, the local radio station called and I'm one of 100 qualIfiers for their huge $3,500 winter contest. I'm supposed to go in Thursday to find out if I won! I don't have high hopes since I just don't win things, but wouldn't it be awesome if I did?!
ALSO, I just got the most amazing package from Dayspring that I cannot *wait* to show you guys!
So. The dermatologist called this afternoon and told me that the "mystery bruise" is actually the weird form of skin cancer (DFSP I think). Again, she told me that I don't need to worry--that this type of skin cancer does not spread anywhere else, but that it can grow pretty aggressively where it's at, so they will need to do something called a Moh's Procedure to make sure that she got every last bit. Basically, with this procedure, they remove a layer of skin at a time, test it, and then continue until there's no trace of the DFSP.
She also told me that most times, DFSP's aren't found until they are like grapefruit sized. Mine was like dime sized, so it was very small, which is great.
So now, the issue is that there are apparently only two people in Oregon who do the Moh's Procedure--one locally and one up on Portland. My derm is now trying to convince the local guy to clear a space for me in the next six weeks or so...otherwise we will have to drive up to Portland and stay for a few days, which would be doable, but just another extra expense that we don't need right now!
I'm actually not freaking out that much--not at all really. I'm just hoping they can get me in soon for the Moh's Procedure. I'm sure the worry will probably come, but right now I feel pretty at peace, and for that I'm thankful.
But in terms of good news, the local radio station called and I'm one of 100 qualIfiers for their huge $3,500 winter contest. I'm supposed to go in Thursday to find out if I won! I don't have high hopes since I just don't win things, but wouldn't it be awesome if I did?!
ALSO, I just got the most amazing package from Dayspring that I cannot *wait* to show you guys!
Surrender.
Well, it's Sunday night (though by the time you read this, it will be Monday morning), and I'm sitting here in the dark and editing some photos on and off while Justin watches Avatar.
I still have no internet other than my Blackberry, which I generally regard as a huge inconvenience, but tonight I'm beginning to think that there may be a silver lining.
You see, I'm fully aware that on Monday or Tuesday I should be hearing back to find out whether the "mystery bruise" is in fact some type of scar tissue, or some rare type of skin cancer. And tonight, the fact that I am completely unable to spend hours online researching treatment plans and survival rates is a blessing. Because truthfully, I probably would be.
These past two weeks, except for a few small freak outs, I have been relatively worry-free about the mystery bruise. I am fully aware that being free of worry these past two weeks is a God thing--it certainly isn't a Meredith thing. I worry. About everything. It's what I do--even being in fourth or fifth grade, I can remember intentionally wearing my heaviest boots to the movie theater, just in case someone tried to hold everyone in the theater hostage--I could use my big heavy boots to kick them in the face and save the day. I worry. Excessively. About things that I can't control. It's always been there, really. So, I had been bracing myself for these past few weeks of waiting, but I have been relatively FREE of that worry, and I am so grateful for the peace that God has provided in my life right now.
But. BUT. Tonight, I'm freaking out a little bit. The phone call could come tomorrow. What if it's skin cancer?
I know that there's no sense in worrying tonight about what tomorrow will bring, especially since my own worrying won't do anything to change the outcome. The funny thing is that I've prayed...I've tried to surrender it to God. I've written down the small blessings in my life, and truly, I'm blessed beyond measure. I ran a mile and lifted, letting the endorphins wash over me and relieve some of my stress.
But. BUT. Still, the anxiety and the fear continue to roll over me like a giant wave. I'm having trouble shaking it. And really, it's not even so much the fear of skin cancer right now...it's the WAITING. I just want to know. And be able to move on, knowing which steps are next.
But really, it's about me learning to surrender. That worrying for enough hours tonight won't make it go away. That I have no control right now, but that God does. That God will not give me skin cancer as a punishment or a "test", nor would he "cure me" just because I've prayed hard enough or done enough good things. But. BUT that even if I do have skin cancer, God will walk me through it, providing me with comfort and strength. That even though sickness is not God's desire or doing, he could use even THAT for good...I just have to stop trying to control it and fix it on my own, and surrender.
"I surrender all
to the promises you made.
And I will give it all
to the maker of the day."
~Newsboys, I Surrender All
I still have no internet other than my Blackberry, which I generally regard as a huge inconvenience, but tonight I'm beginning to think that there may be a silver lining.
You see, I'm fully aware that on Monday or Tuesday I should be hearing back to find out whether the "mystery bruise" is in fact some type of scar tissue, or some rare type of skin cancer. And tonight, the fact that I am completely unable to spend hours online researching treatment plans and survival rates is a blessing. Because truthfully, I probably would be.
These past two weeks, except for a few small freak outs, I have been relatively worry-free about the mystery bruise. I am fully aware that being free of worry these past two weeks is a God thing--it certainly isn't a Meredith thing. I worry. About everything. It's what I do--even being in fourth or fifth grade, I can remember intentionally wearing my heaviest boots to the movie theater, just in case someone tried to hold everyone in the theater hostage--I could use my big heavy boots to kick them in the face and save the day. I worry. Excessively. About things that I can't control. It's always been there, really. So, I had been bracing myself for these past few weeks of waiting, but I have been relatively FREE of that worry, and I am so grateful for the peace that God has provided in my life right now.
But. BUT. Tonight, I'm freaking out a little bit. The phone call could come tomorrow. What if it's skin cancer?
I know that there's no sense in worrying tonight about what tomorrow will bring, especially since my own worrying won't do anything to change the outcome. The funny thing is that I've prayed...I've tried to surrender it to God. I've written down the small blessings in my life, and truly, I'm blessed beyond measure. I ran a mile and lifted, letting the endorphins wash over me and relieve some of my stress.
But. BUT. Still, the anxiety and the fear continue to roll over me like a giant wave. I'm having trouble shaking it. And really, it's not even so much the fear of skin cancer right now...it's the WAITING. I just want to know. And be able to move on, knowing which steps are next.
But really, it's about me learning to surrender. That worrying for enough hours tonight won't make it go away. That I have no control right now, but that God does. That God will not give me skin cancer as a punishment or a "test", nor would he "cure me" just because I've prayed hard enough or done enough good things. But. BUT that even if I do have skin cancer, God will walk me through it, providing me with comfort and strength. That even though sickness is not God's desire or doing, he could use even THAT for good...I just have to stop trying to control it and fix it on my own, and surrender.
"I surrender all
to the promises you made.
And I will give it all
to the maker of the day."
~Newsboys, I Surrender All
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
So. An update about the bruise.
So, I just got a call from the dermatologist. She said that they are sending my "bruise" to Portland for a second opinion because it could be benign scar tissue, but it could also be that "zebra" she was telling me about, which something called a "DFSP" and is a very rare sarcoma. They should have the results in about two weeks. She then said (and I wrote this down pretty much exactly because I will need to remind myself of this over the next two weeks), "I don't want you to stress out because this isn't a big issue. This kind of sarcoma doesn't have lasting health effects or anything like that. It's not a big deal. If it comes back as positive, it would just require another in-office surgery to make sure we got it all, and we may want to do that anyway."
When we got off the phone, I was a little confused and obviously scared that she was talking about a "sarcoma". So, I googled "DFSP", and was not at all prepared for all the scary info that came my way. I don't know--even though I know sarcomas are cancer, from the way that the dermatologist portrayed it as really being no big deal, I just wasn't prepared for all the cancer info that popped up...and while a lot of it did say that the survival rate is much higher than other cancers (the 5 year survival rate is 99.2% and the 15 year survival rate is 97.2%), the bottom line is that I was just not prepared to even be seeing words like "survival rate".
And I couldn't stop myself from thinking 'Well, if it IS this extremely rare form of skin cancer that only like 5 in a million get anyway, what's to say that I wouldn't be the exception to the rule when it comes to the survival rate as well?'
Ugh. This is scary.
But on the other hand, nothing is for sure yet, and it could just be scar tissue and be totally fine.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next two weeks without totally freaking out.
I'll tell you one thing though--tomorrow, when Justin gets paid,I'm going to order What Women Fear by Angie Smith. I'm going to carve out time every day to try and study and pray. I'm going to try to actually accept the comfort and strength that God readily offers to me. And right now, I'm going to curl up on the couch, and watch a movie with my sweet girl.
When we got off the phone, I was a little confused and obviously scared that she was talking about a "sarcoma". So, I googled "DFSP", and was not at all prepared for all the scary info that came my way. I don't know--even though I know sarcomas are cancer, from the way that the dermatologist portrayed it as really being no big deal, I just wasn't prepared for all the cancer info that popped up...and while a lot of it did say that the survival rate is much higher than other cancers (the 5 year survival rate is 99.2% and the 15 year survival rate is 97.2%), the bottom line is that I was just not prepared to even be seeing words like "survival rate".
And I couldn't stop myself from thinking 'Well, if it IS this extremely rare form of skin cancer that only like 5 in a million get anyway, what's to say that I wouldn't be the exception to the rule when it comes to the survival rate as well?'
Ugh. This is scary.
But on the other hand, nothing is for sure yet, and it could just be scar tissue and be totally fine.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next two weeks without totally freaking out.
I'll tell you one thing though--tomorrow, when Justin gets paid,I'm going to order What Women Fear by Angie Smith. I'm going to carve out time every day to try and study and pray. I'm going to try to actually accept the comfort and strength that God readily offers to me. And right now, I'm going to curl up on the couch, and watch a movie with my sweet girl.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Paging Doctor Google...or Not.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning--I've had this little bitty bruise on my back for a couple of months now. It's the type of thing that I won't notice for a couple of months, and then I'll lean back in a chair and feel pain and think, "That's STILL there?!" I wasn't sure if it was from softball--maybe where the bat hits my back when I swing? But the bruise is so small (less than a half an inch), and the placement isn't quite right. Anyway, I told Justin that I'd just feel better if someone laid eyes on it, so I saw the nurse practitioner this morning.
She looked at it, and said, "Hmmmm. I've never seen anything like that before." Then, she called in my doctor. He said, "I've never even seen anything quite like that, even in textbooks," (I laughed, because that's just so me--I'm the girl whose appendicitis went undiagnosed because my appendix was in the wrong place. I'm the girl who had a breast tumor removed at age 19. I'm just kind of a medical anomaly.) The nurse said, "Yeah, and it doesn't blanch. It's sort of like a hematoma under the skin." They referred me to a dermatologist--they warned me that it would probably take 3 months to get in, but happily, the derm had an opening on the 18th. And largely, I didn't worry too much about it for the rest of the day...
And then. THEN. When I got home tonight, I consulted Dr. Google. Why do I do this? I *know* it's never a good idea, but I do it anyway. I Googled something about a hematoma that doesn't blanch, and what was starting me back in the face was enough to scare anybody's socks off--Leukemia. Meningitis. Lupus. All sorts of other things that I just don't want to deal with. And the worry and fear just came pouring in. Even though nothing really looked like my unique little bruise, it seems that anything that doesn't blanch is bad, bad, bad....according to Dr. Google anyway.
Why in the world do I think that Google will be able to diagnose me more effectively than the doctor who has literally known me my entire life? Better than a doctor who knows all my weird history, and was literally the only medical professional in my corner back during the tumor debacle?
More importantly, why don't I pray if I'm worried? I've seen firsthand in my life over the past year what a difference God has made in terms of my worries and fears, so why don't I turn to Him first, rather than Google?
Dr. Google, I think it's time we break up. Hopefully this time it's for good.
She looked at it, and said, "Hmmmm. I've never seen anything like that before." Then, she called in my doctor. He said, "I've never even seen anything quite like that, even in textbooks," (I laughed, because that's just so me--I'm the girl whose appendicitis went undiagnosed because my appendix was in the wrong place. I'm the girl who had a breast tumor removed at age 19. I'm just kind of a medical anomaly.) The nurse said, "Yeah, and it doesn't blanch. It's sort of like a hematoma under the skin." They referred me to a dermatologist--they warned me that it would probably take 3 months to get in, but happily, the derm had an opening on the 18th. And largely, I didn't worry too much about it for the rest of the day...
And then. THEN. When I got home tonight, I consulted Dr. Google. Why do I do this? I *know* it's never a good idea, but I do it anyway. I Googled something about a hematoma that doesn't blanch, and what was starting me back in the face was enough to scare anybody's socks off--Leukemia. Meningitis. Lupus. All sorts of other things that I just don't want to deal with. And the worry and fear just came pouring in. Even though nothing really looked like my unique little bruise, it seems that anything that doesn't blanch is bad, bad, bad....according to Dr. Google anyway.
Why in the world do I think that Google will be able to diagnose me more effectively than the doctor who has literally known me my entire life? Better than a doctor who knows all my weird history, and was literally the only medical professional in my corner back during the tumor debacle?
More importantly, why don't I pray if I'm worried? I've seen firsthand in my life over the past year what a difference God has made in terms of my worries and fears, so why don't I turn to Him first, rather than Google?
Dr. Google, I think it's time we break up. Hopefully this time it's for good.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
BQOTD: Medical Trials
Today's Burning Question of the Day: Would you ever participate in any sort of medical trial?
My allergist's office often has medical trials. I qualify for one of the upcoming ones, and I think that I'm going to participate. It's for a drug that hasn't been FDA approved yet (this trial is needed first), but has been tested before without any major complications.
So far, most people that I've told have looked at me like I have seven heads. But I figure that if others hadn't been willing to participate in trials before me, I wouldn't have access to some of the medicine that I do now to help with my allergies and asthma. I guess that I just figure that it's worth it to see if something is more effective, and risk the most commonly reported side effect, which is a headache.
Plus, the compensation package is pretty awesome--it's a one month study and pays $600!
My allergist's office often has medical trials. I qualify for one of the upcoming ones, and I think that I'm going to participate. It's for a drug that hasn't been FDA approved yet (this trial is needed first), but has been tested before without any major complications.
So far, most people that I've told have looked at me like I have seven heads. But I figure that if others hadn't been willing to participate in trials before me, I wouldn't have access to some of the medicine that I do now to help with my allergies and asthma. I guess that I just figure that it's worth it to see if something is more effective, and risk the most commonly reported side effect, which is a headache.
Plus, the compensation package is pretty awesome--it's a one month study and pays $600!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Why I'm Going Off the Mini Pill
First of all, I should say that this is NOT about having another baby...this post is strictly about the Mini Pill (i.e. Progestogen only birth control), and my experience taking it....
Basically, for a couple of months now, I've felt "off". Scratch that, I've felt pregnant. All the time. I have heart burn, I am constantly nauseous (especially when cooking meat), I have headaches all the time, and I am exhausted. Hello, Lizzy is basically sleeping through the night, I should not be this tired all the freaking time. This led to middle-of the night pregnancy testing (which was negative). I've been anxious about nothing in general, and I absolutely cannot lose one single pound, despite working out consistently and eating well.
My gut was that this was related to the birth control pills that I was on, but I've also had people mention that it could be a thyroid issue. Either way, I had an appointment with my OB yesterday, and explained to him what was going on.
He agreed that this could definitely be related to the mini pill--turns out that the progestogen only pills mimic pregnancy, and he's had a number of patients report that while they're on it, they experience symptoms similar to their 1st trimester symptoms. He said that also, his patients have not reported a decrease in supply as far as nursing goes if they switch over after nursing is well established--five to six months in (worry about decreasing breastmilk supply is the reason that most women taking the pill after child birth are prescribed a progestogen only pill).
Also, we started talking about the side-effects for the mini pill. In my personal experience, the reported side effects from friends that have been on the mini pill vary greatly from the "official" side effects. My OB agreed. Here are negatives about the mini pill that we discussed. The starred items are not "official" side effects, but have oft been reported by users as side effects.
Basically, for a couple of months now, I've felt "off". Scratch that, I've felt pregnant. All the time. I have heart burn, I am constantly nauseous (especially when cooking meat), I have headaches all the time, and I am exhausted. Hello, Lizzy is basically sleeping through the night, I should not be this tired all the freaking time. This led to middle-of the night pregnancy testing (which was negative). I've been anxious about nothing in general, and I absolutely cannot lose one single pound, despite working out consistently and eating well.
My gut was that this was related to the birth control pills that I was on, but I've also had people mention that it could be a thyroid issue. Either way, I had an appointment with my OB yesterday, and explained to him what was going on.
He agreed that this could definitely be related to the mini pill--turns out that the progestogen only pills mimic pregnancy, and he's had a number of patients report that while they're on it, they experience symptoms similar to their 1st trimester symptoms. He said that also, his patients have not reported a decrease in supply as far as nursing goes if they switch over after nursing is well established--five to six months in (worry about decreasing breastmilk supply is the reason that most women taking the pill after child birth are prescribed a progestogen only pill).
Also, we started talking about the side-effects for the mini pill. In my personal experience, the reported side effects from friends that have been on the mini pill vary greatly from the "official" side effects. My OB agreed. Here are negatives about the mini pill that we discussed. The starred items are not "official" side effects, but have oft been reported by users as side effects.
- It's only 92% effective--less than a standard combination birth control pill
- Increased anxiety
- Headaches
- Fatigue*
- Nausea *
- Weight Gain *
- Acne *
- Increased risk of ectopic pregnancy
- Increased risk of ovarian cysts
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