Deja Vu.

Well, it's been awhile little old blog. I feel kind of weird jumping in with a post like this, but I need the processing that writing gives, so there you have it...

In October, I went to my normal doctor for a physical. He said that my thyroid felt a little enlarged. My OB had tested my thyroid back in April--that's just something he does as a part of annuals once you get to a certain age :). Anyway, all my levels were totally fine then, so my doctor ordered an ultrasound to take a look.

I had the ultrasound in November. I remember that the girl performing the ultrasound was quiet during the whole thing, but I've been told that that's common--that the people who perform the ultrasounds at the hospital aren't actually allowed to tell you anything during the procedure. I don't know.

Anyway, the ultrasound showed a "4cm heterogeneous solid with vascularity", which means that I have a biopsy scheduled on Dec 8th. This whole thing is kind of weird, because the endocrinologist that I've been referred to had a biopsy opening before she had a consult opening, so she's actually doing the biopsy without me ever having had the chance to meet with her or talk to her first. I feel like I'm a little in the dark here!

What I do know is this--I know that the size and the vascularity make it slightly more likely that the "nodule" is malignant, but it apparently could still be benign. Several people have told me that 4cm is the threshold for removal whether it is malignant or benign, but I haven't talked to the endocrinologist yet, so I'm not sure if that's her approach or not.

Sometimes, I think I can feel the nodule. Sometimes, when I'm reading to the girls for a long time, I feel like I get a little hoarse, which freaks me out. Then again, I'm not sure whether those are *actually* symptoms, or just in my head. Right now, I kind of freak out with any sore throat, cough, etc...even though those symptoms could easily be explained by my allergies (I'm allergic to Christmas trees!), or any other number of things as well. But, I'm freaked about my thyroid, so I assume it *is* my thyroid.

But really, here's the thing. When I was diagnosed with the weird, rare skin cancer, it was December 12th, 2011. Lizzy was essentially the same age that Becca is now. Several times, I've been sitting in the waiting room for a thyroid appointment, when my Timehop app pops up a status update about waiting for an appointment regarding the skin cancer on that same day 3 years ago. And let's face it, with a biopsy on December 8th, there's a real possibility that I could hear back from them on December 12th this year.

Of course, that doesn't mean anything. I could go in, and find out that it's benign and the endo could feel totally comfortable monitoring it instead of jumping right to surgery. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and not put the cart before the horse, but at the same time, this feels like the weirdest, most surreal deja vu EVER. I'm having a hard time not going "there", to the worst case scenario. To cancer, and surgery, and having to coordinate time off and hospital bills and insurance forms. I just don't want to, you know? I am SO tired of medical stuff. I'm annoyed, and I'm DONE with it, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I mean, I will if I need to. I just don't want to.

On Anxiety. And Fear. And Discontenment. And Faith.

Over the past month or so, I've been in a funk. And I haven't really talked about it or written about it because I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I've even been in the funk. It's embarrassing.

But that doesn't change the fact that I've been there, and I feel like if we can't be transparent about our struggles within this community of women, then we are all doing ourselves (and God) a giant disservice.

So. Last month was a small paycheck month for Justin. Smaller than it had been in two years or so. The communication wires were crossed between Justin and I, and I wasn't expecting it. He wasn't surprised.

Anyway, when I picked up Justin's paycheck on the last day of March, I was mad. Mad at God. I'm having a hard time even typing this out because on one hand I know it is just...ugly, but it's also true.

See, before Lizzy was born, we both independently felt distinctly led that I was supposed to stay at home. I had never felt such a strong calling to do something before, and so we took a leap of faith and did that, even though we knew it would be tough financially. And it hasn't always been easy, but God has faithfully provided for our needs (and sometimes even our wants) month by month by month.

There have been a ton of blessings in this, including the fact that Justin and I have gotten really good about our money, and now budget to the penny every month. We have plans and goals and dreams financially, even if we're getting to them at a snail's pace, which is markedly different than when we were both working and both spending like crazy and sometimes I wish I could reach back in time and shake some sense into myself. Anyway, there's been a lot of good things that have come from this, and most months I can recognize that.

But honestly, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes, this anger and bitterness rises up inside me, and I am SO irritated that every. single. thing. must be budgeted. It can get exhausting, the budgets and the lists and the shifting things around, and sometimes I just want to be able to buy a cute shirt at Target without thinking about where it will fit in to the budget, darn it--'cause some months there's a clothing budget and some months there's not. If there's a meal sign up passed around church, I just want to be able to sign up, regardless of whether there's money in the giving category that month or not. Sometimes, I get tired of saying "no" to everything, it seems.

And I'd been praying lately about whether it was time to apply for a part-time job for me, and had gotten the distinct answer of NO. I applied to a job anyway. I didn't get it. And I was angry again, because it was hard and I wanted to do things an easier way, and God said no, and sometimes (usually) that sucks. And I was tired, and irritated at God, and also irritated at myself for being irritated.  And I was very much in "whatever, God" mode.

In fact, Missy asked me to speak at the Mom's Group retreat this past weekend, and I just felt like I couldn't. I could not think of anything uplifting or helpful to say about God and what he had helped me overcome, because he hadn't. I felt like I was in it by myself holding notebook upon notebook of lists and budgets, and I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Whatever, God. 

I went to a Mom's Group retreat over the weekend, and on Saturday morning I asked God to give me a verse that would help me, and I randomly opened up my Bible to Hebrews 13:5-6, which says:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

"Never will I leave you;

Never will I forsake you."

So we say with confidence,

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I mean, I don't know if God Himself ever pulls a Jesus Juke, but that sure felt like one. And I wish I could say that my heart was immediately changed and yada, yada, but it wasn't. It just ticked me off even more, honestly. And the irritation and bitterness, both at God and at myself just grew and grew.

Whatever, God.

Over the weekend at the retreat, I opened up about anxiety, which is something that I battle a lot. If you follow me on IG, you saw me reference it on Friday--for me, one of the things that happens when my anxiety gets bad is that I feel like everyone in my life is going to die, and if I'm there, diligently watching and "on call", I can protect them. And if I'm not, they're all going to die. By Saturday night at the retreat, my anxiety was out of control, because I didn't know what else to do, I opened up about it. In fact, we all opened up about our "stuff", in an authentic and vulnerable way that I have rarely experienced with other women. We talked, honestly. We prayed specifically, for each other.

And you know what I realized? For me, all of this was partially an issue of contentment and gratitude, but mostly an issue of anxiety and fear. Since the retreat, I've been doing a better job with the self-care that I know is crucial for me in keeping my anxiety at bay. It probably sounds a little crazy, but I have felt the prayers. And I am so grateful. That pit in my stomach is gone, and the weight I've been dragging behind me all the time seems to have vanished. And I was surprised to realize that so have the anger and bitterness. I didn't realize that they were all related, but they were.

Today, it is payday again. I don't know what to expect, and I don't know that it'll be any easier than it was last month. But I do know that my response this month, at least, will be one of confidence and not fear. Praise be to God.

Crazier than Usual...

So, on Friday the dermatologist called to tell me that the spot that she removed was not melanoma. It was actually nothing at all, other than my awesome doctor being overly cautious. Thank God!

But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'

Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '

By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.

And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.

{which is really kind of humorous if you think about it}

I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.

When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.

Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)

So.

I had my follow-up appointment with my dermatologist today regarding the skin cancer fiasco back in January. As I thought, the site of the skin cancer on my back looks fine, but she quickly focused in on a mole on my stomach above my belly button instead. She had asked about it last time, as it has slightly irregular borders--I told her that I've always had it and that it has always looked similar, but that it did seem to "stretch out" last time I was pregnant with Lizzy, and never completely went back to its pre-pregnancy shape. Then again, lot of things didn't.

She simply said that we'll watch it, and to remind her to look at it the next time I came in. So this time I did--and I figured that it was actually kind of a good thing I was pregnant, because it meant that she could actually see how it stretches.

She said that although skin definitely changes during pregnancy, and although pregnancy is obviously the worst possible time to remove a mole from the stomach, she wants to remove it ASAP. I go back Monday afternoon. It had stretched from 8mm to 11mm, and none of the other moles on my belly had stretched the same way during this pregnancy, and she said that she's just not going to take any chances with me, because any time a mole changes, you have to be concerned with melanoma. And though she doesn't think it's melanoma, she didn't think the mystery bruise was a super-rare form of skin cancer either. As she said, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people...twice. And I'm just not going to take any chances with you."

Which I'm thankful for. But also? A little bit terrified. Because melanoma is a big, scary word. And I know that we have no idea whether or not this little mole is or isn't melanoma yet, but it's hard for me not to go there...last time around, the answer was, "Yes, you have skin cancer." It's hard for me not to assume that's going to be the answer again this time (though for the record, the type I had previously does not increase my chances for any other kind of skin cancer in the future). I know that's not necessarily logical, but that's just the way my brain works.

And honestly? I just don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do the waiting and worrying. I don't want to do the months and months of paying doctors and hospitals. I don't want to do the weeks of not being able to physically pick up Lizzy...because even after stitches are removed, the skin is only at 10% strength. I definitely don't want to do whatever it is that comes after this if it IS skin cancer. Again.

And when I got in the car, and that song that goes "what if blessings come through raindrops" was on the radio, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Because although it's true, and I saw it in my own life last time around, I don't want to do it again. No gracias. And so right now, no matter how many Bible verses or devotions I read, or how many pages of scribbled frantic handwriting I jot into my prayer journal...right now...the bottom line is that I'm just a little bit scared. A little bit overwhelmed.

Sigh. Again.

Blessed & Thankful

 

That's right--if all goes well, Lizzy's going to be a big sister on or around November 15, 2012! This means that according to my ultrasound yesterday, I'm now 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant.

If I'm totally honest, I'm still not super comfortable posting this today--it's a little early for my preference! I know it's crazy, but we waited to tell the world until I was 12 weeks with Lizzy, and telling earlier kind of makes me feel like I'm jinxing things. But Lizzy came with us to the first appointment yesterday, and she'll tell every random person we come across, so I figured I might as well take the leap of faith and share with you all as well. Besides, I would absolutely love your prayers!

I've been writing little snippets for the past couple of months. Even though it'll make this post a little long, I figured I'll include them here just for my own record-keeping. You are totally free to skip over them if you wish, but I do think they'll probably answer a lot of potential questions. If you have more questions, feel free to hit the comments! Obviously, the following may contain TMI for some people...you have been warned!

2/22/12-So, on Sunday Feb 12th, I should have begun a new pack of BC pills, but didn't. And now I'm officially going crazy--with Lizzy, we never actually "tried" to conceive, so I didn't really pay too much attention to early symptoms. But this time around, I know we're trying, and right now, either I've got some CRAZY phantom symptoms going on, or I'm somehow legitimately already pregnant even though technically speaking I shouldn't have even ovulated yet. Or maybe I am ovulating, and that's what all the symptoms are? I don't know!

3/3/12- Took a pregnancy test this morning. It was negative. I wasn't charting, but my gut is that I was probably 14 dpo, so it should have been positive. But 'technically' speaking, I was only 10dpo. Am I just crazy? Or did I test too soon? There's still 5 days until AF is due, so maybe so.

3/7/12- I couldn't sleep and felt sick most of the night, so about 4 am I took another pregnancy test and was pretty surprised to see that it was POSITIVE. I finally woke Justin up about 4:30am to tell him...he said it was worth getting up that early for :) Last time, we really didn't tell anyone until I was 8 weeks, and most of our friends didn't find out until I was 12 weeks. This time, we told immediate family this morning, other than the kiddos (because once they know, EVERYONE will know). I'm glad we did, but it's also a little hard for me because we didn't do that last time...and so I kind of feel like we "jinxed" it...which I know is silly...but this 4-8 week period of pregnancy is always hardest for me. It's like 'Am I really pregnant?! How would I know if it were ectopic/molar/a missed miscarriage?'

4/4/12- I'm a little less than a week away from my first appointment (just shy of 8 weeks if you go my last cycle). I'm nervous. I have nightmares sometimes of all of us going to the doctor's office, and the sweet ultrasound tech saying, "I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat." And then, I also find myself thinking irrationally sometimes--for example, with Lizzy I spotted heavily the whole first trimester. I haven't spotted this time at all. But instead of rejoicing in that, I find myself thinking that something must be wrong...because I'm not spotting. Which I know is silly, but I can't stop thinking it. We still haven't told Lizzy yet, and have been really cautious not to talk about it while she's around, but she still often talks about the "baby in mama's belly."

4/5/12- Naturally, after I wrote that I hadn't been spotting, I started spotting (last night). It was light pink spotting and didn't last long, but because it was accompanied by some sharp pain on one side of my abdomen, my OB wanted me to come in today for an ultrasound, to rule out ectopic pregnancy (my first appointment was originally scheduled for Monday). I'm nervous, but also thankful that they are letting me come in today instead of stewing over it all weekend. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that I bled heavily with Lizzy and she was fine. Spotting could be nothing. But it also could be something, and I'm nervous.

So. Justin, Lizzy, and I went in to the doctor yesterday, and I was so nervous! They did an ultrasound first, and saw a little wiggling baby measuring 8 weeks exactly, which is what I technically should be based on my last cycle. I really could have sworn that I was actually a week ahead of that, but I wasn't charting, so I guess I can't really say for sure. Naturally (because everything baby related makes me nervous), it made me nervous that the dates weren't lining up with what I was expecting, even though they were lining up PERFECTLY with what the doctor was expecting. I'm trying to just relax, and remember that the doctor and tech both said that they saw absolutely nothing that concerned them, so at this point I have no reason to stress.

We got to see and hear the heartbeat (162 bpm). I was expecting Lizzy to be super excited when we explained what the ultrasound was showing, but she basically looked at me like 'Duh Mom...I've been telling you that you have a baby in your belly for weeks.'  :)

They didn't really have an explanation for the spotting, just as they didn't really ever have an explanation for the spotting with Lizzy...but still, I'm praying that there are WAY fewer scary bleeding episodes this time! I'm trying not to spend the whole pregnancy in a state of fear and anxiety, but there's honestly always a part of me, however small, that doesn't really believe we'll get to take the baby home until we're actually on the way home from the hospital. So, I'm excited, but pretty nervous too...which I think is often pretty par for the course when it comes to pregnancy!

Today, I am pregnant. Today, the baby is healthy and I am so thankful. 

God is good, always. 

Thursday Thoughts

{one}

I'm supposed to be at Mom's Group today, but I'm not feeling great, and so sweet Lizzy and I are at home snuggling on the couch and watching Cars instead. It's wonderful...for the next seven minutes at least ;)

Lizzy has been so funny lately--the other day she told me, "Mama, I always love you sometimes."

Last night, we were listening to some music, and Lizzy said "I want Moves Like Jagger" plain as day. I can confidently say that the kiddo hasn't ever heard Moves Like Jagger at home or in the car, because the kiddo always has a meltdown and wants 'Lizzy Songs' instead. But, I pulled up Moves Like Jagger on You Tube, and Lizzy totally started singing the "Mo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oves like Jagger" portion of the song.

{two}

In response to the not-feeling great, I have a doctor appointment at 1:30pm today. Since the skin cancer thing in January, I get some SERIOUS anxiety before doctor appointments, and have been battling to keep myself in check all morning. Even though it isn't true, it feel like lately doctors only bring bad news that I was not expecting. 

{three}

We've made a couple more Pinterest recipes lately...

Source: wittyinthecity.com via Meredith on Pinterest

I was really excited about this "Man Pleasing Chicken" that I've seen all over Pinterest, but man, we did NOT like this recipe at all. Are we the only ones? It tasted much more mustard-y than I was anticipating, and I just didn't love it.

I also made Turmeric Chicken with Coconut Milk last night.

Source: budgetbytes.blogspot.com via Meredith on Pinterest

I'd never had turmeric before, and it was a lot different than I was expecting. I think I was expecting something like curry, but it was actually much lighter than I imagined. Justin hates curry, but he did try this...though I don't think it was a favorite of his by any stretch of the imagination.

{four}

It's actually supposed to be sunny and sort of nice here for Easter, and I'm excited! I may actually wear a dress! But for the life of me, I'm having the hardest time finding an Easter dress for Lizzy to wear. Sweet girl may end up wearing just one of her regular old dresses for Easter this year, 'cause I just can't seem to find anything I like at any of the usual places. Oh well, she'll survive :)

Snippets & Living Room Photos!

-So, while our living room is still far from being "complete", I finally took some photos to share with y'all!

I must have driven to 5 different thrift stores yesterday looking for a chair to paint for the computer desk. I couldn't find one anywhere that wasn't under $30. Sorry, not paying $30 for a basic wooden chair that I'm going to repaint to have what I want anyway. So anyway, picture the above setup with a white chair at the desk. 

This little Photoshop DIY is my favorite addition to the shelves...I love me some Matt Maher!

Sorry for the blurriness of this, but I wanted to show you the inside of the box on the bottom right--it's from Target, and I LOVE it for filing things temporarily until I move them to the bigger file box every three months or so.

At Mom's Group a few weeks ago, we made home organization binders...the binder almost deserves an entire post of its own, but it has really helped me when it comes to keeping things organized--especially these zippered pouches that I added to the front for our receipts to enter to our budget and receipts that have already been entered.

But I'm getting off track. Here's another view of the living room...you can see that I still haven't painted the fourth wall. Eventually, I swear. Anyway, even though the color isn't that different, I feel like the undertones make a BIG difference, especially when it's overcast or cloudy outside--now, it still feels happy to me instead of feeling dreary. Also, I made Justin re-hang the curtains about 6 inches higher (a bit wider too), and I'm really glad I did. And yeah, I know the fuzzy pillows are probably not "in style", but they are so comfy and I love them:

Lizzy still has her own little corner, which works great for us.

So there you have it--there's still a lot left to do *COUGH* TRIM AROUND DOOR JUSTIN *COUGH*, but I'm liking where we're heading :)

-Lizzy totally does not understand what the word "maybe" means. I think her understanding of it is 'the word I say when my mom says no, but I'm trying to convince her otherwise'--as in:

Lizzy: I have candy? 

Me: Not today sweetheart. 

Lizzy: Maybe!?

-This video? I DIED laughing.



 

-Since early January, I have been participating in the Hello Mornings challenge with Kat at Inspired to Action. Basically, the premise of the challenge is to get up in the mornings before your kiddos to (a) have quiet time with God (b) plan your day, and (c) exercise (or at least make a plan for when you're going to)... I don't particularly enjoy getting up early and will admit that I have majorly slacked in the past few weeks, but I can also admit that I find that when I do get up and get a few things accomplished before Lizzy wakes, my day feels a lot more productive overall. I'm thankful for the opportunity and for all my #hmc2 ladies on Twitter for accountability and support!

-I don't know if you guys are familiar with a story that's been in the news here in the PacNW of Josh Powell killing his kids in Graham, WA over the weekend. I really don't want to talk about him or what he did--the pure unbridled evil that he displayed was and is horrific, and he does not deserve to be written about. But what I wanted to say is about the social worker who was there to supervise the visitation between Powell and his sons, and I feel like I have to give some back-story to make it all make sense--Powell shut the door after the kids came in the home and wouldn't let the social worker in the home. She smelled gas and immediately called 911 explaining that the father had recently lost a custody case (not to mention he's a person of interest in the alleged murder of the boys' mother) and that she was afraid for the boys' lives--the dispatcher told her that the authorities had to attend to other life-threatening calls first. So, while she was attempting to convey that she smelled gas and was scared for the boys, she witnessed their father blow up the house while he and the boys were inside.Ugh. It's really terrible to type that all out. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.

The social worker, Elizabeth Griffin-Hall, has been on my mind constantly since hearing the story. What an awful thing to witness and experience. It feels a little strange to throw this in with all the other happy snippets, but it's been on my heart today to ask those of you who pray to lift her up in your prayers, and I just don't want to ignore that gut feeling. I just don't want her to be overlooked.

Linking up to: 

and hopefully (if I remember):

Snippets

- The Ducks won the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1917 (I think) yesterday! Quack Quack! We had some friends and family over to watch the game, and I'm so glad we did. It was just a fun, stress-free day. And I so welcome staying busy this week, because it gives me less time to sit and let my mind wander to our trip to Portland at the end of the week.

-Speaking of the trip to Portland, I had a full-blown anxiety attack on New Year's Eve. It came out of nowhere. We were laying in bed, about to go to sleep, and all of a sudden, my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe. Suddenly, I was absolutely petrified that we'll get up to Portland for the procedure on Friday, and the doctor will tell me that my skin cancer is incredibly advanced, and that I'm like the one person in the world to which it has actually metastasized and that the prognosis is terrible. I have no reason to think this is the case...everything my doctor has told me has indicated and demonstrated that the exact opposite is true. And in my logical part of my brain, I know that. But the unknown is scary, and my brain starts following terrible trains of thought--You're already in an incredibly small percentage of people who have this type of skin cancer. What makes you think you won't be one of the small percentage of those for whom it is deadly?

It makes me mad. Mad that I'm spending the time worrying about it. Mad that I can't get the thought out of my head even though I KNOW worrying about it now won't do anything to prevent or change it if that is in fact the case. Logically, I *know* that it is pointless to worry until/unless I am explicitly given a reason to worry. But sometimes, it's hard not to be a little scared of the unknown. So, on New Years Eve, I just laid in bed singing songs in my head, and eventually fell asleep.

- Before the anxiety attack, the band spent New Year's Eve playing a concert for Celebrate Recovery. It was a ton of fun! Here's a video re-cap (shot with a point and shoot camera, so the quality isn't perfect). The first song in the mash-up is one of the ones that I sing in my head when I start to feel that fear/anxiety creep into my mind. It's called "Give Me Peace" and the chorus goes: Give me peace, I am weary with no rest. Give strength to my weary hands in this mess. Take a listen if you wish--in the second song of the mash-up, you can even hear J sing!




-In fun Portland news though, my former-sort-of-roommate Sara sent J and I a gift certificate for The Cheesecake Factory, which I am REALLY excited about! She and Lisa have been spoiling me rotten these past couple of months! Can you believe I've never eaten at The Cheesecake Factory before? What's good?

Photo Snippets

On Saturday, Justin finally got back from being out of town for a week. I survived, but just barely. Basically, I think I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night the entire week he was gone. Not gonna lie, it was hard, mostly because Lizzy was sick, and I ended up holding her basically 20 hours a day.

Also, I obviously wasn't able to get a good run in since I was holding Lizzy 24/7. I didn't get to run yesterday either because I literally had the worst migraine I've ever had in my life, and I'm really hoping I'm not getting this bug that's going around. I'm kind of freaking out about not really having run in a week. I'm already feeling like I've been on Week 6 of C25k forever, and now I might have to repeat it again. Ugh. I know it doesn't matter if I repeat a week, I just want to actually finish this thing for once. Anyway...


Lisa, this photo is for you. Check out this onesie!!! Giraffe + Hippo forevah! I know, it's probably actually a zebra, but I have decided that it's a giraffe, and that's that. The end.

On Friday, she finally felt a little better, and did NOT want me to hold her at all. However, she DID want me to sit right next to her all day, and flipped out if I even walked into the kitchen. I took the opportunity to start knitting a baby blanket for a friend. I used size 50 needles and three strands of yarn, and it knitted up in just three or four hours.



Justin luckily made it home just in time for his band's big benefit concert for a local food bank. I got to practice taking concert photos, which I think is one of the trickier types of photography--you're dealing with very low light, then usually moving colored lights, moving subjects (in very low light) and other funky stuff.



I shot exclusively with my nifty fifty lens, because it's the fastest lens I have, and I was pretty pleased. I wanted more of a portrait-style than the whole band shots because of the venue, and I thought it worked out pretty well.









It was a really fun concert, and we raised enough to fund the food pantry for a month! Not too shabby!

Back from the doctor...

Warning...this post may definitely be TMI...it's all about a pregnancy scare from yesterday/today, and the associated anatomy. And blood.

So, last night after I started having the spotting, we came home and I put my feet up, Justin put on Big Fish, I fell asleep praying, and I actually had the best night's sleep I'd had in a LONG time. I knew that brown spotting, especially without cramping, typically isn't too concerning, and I was feeling really positive about the whole situation.

By morning, the spotting had stopped altogether...which made me feel even better. Until I went to the bathroom one more time before I left for work, and things had definitely escalated from spotting to full on bleeding bright red blood. Lots of blood. I still wasn't having any cramping, but the amount of blood was pretty alarming.

I called the doctor's office, and they fit me in within the hour. J came with me for the ultrasound (seriously...his bosses get SO MANY props from me for letting him come along to all my appointments!), where they quickly found the heartbeat, which was a bit higher than what we normally see for this baby, but still within normal limits. The u/s tech did a quick anatomy survey, and said that from what she could see, everything looked fine--growth of the body, skull, arm, and thigh were all right at 18 weeks (measuring a few days ahead as I have been almost the entire time), and the baby was moving all of its limbs.

She checked for placenta previa, which can cause painless bleeding. I actually have an anterior placenta, which means that the placenta is right in between the baby and my stomach, and also explains why I haven't felt any movement yet.

They checked my cervix through an ultrasound and exam, and said that it is closed, and the appropriate width/length/thickness, but that it's clearly irritated from the outside and still bleeding.

Basically, they can rule out any of the reasons that would cause them to be concerned about the bleeding, but they weren't able to identify a cause. So, the doctor sent me home and said that I'm to be on bed rest for at least a day...possibly longer. I told him that Wednesday at work, I'm supposed to be at a conference all day, which would basically entail sitting around from 8am-5pm. He said that should be fine as long as the bleeding stays the same or decreases.

So, yeah...baby looks good, no major concerns from the doctor, bed rest for the day. I have to say though, when I mentioned that I could use a few more days of vacation, this wasn't exactly what I meant!!

Fear Not.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my worries and my anxiety. And I've come to the conclusion that it all traces back to fear--fear of the unknown, fear of things going according to (my) plan, fear of death, fear of beaing alone. Fear. D'Oh. How long did it take me to figure that one out?

The movie Facing The Giants says that the Bible says "Fear Not" 365 times, one for each day of the year. Well, that would be nice, but as far as I can tell (and I've done a lot of googling), in any of the standard versions of the Bible like the NIV or KJV, it's more like 170, and even that is pushing it because it includes instances of "take courage" (which always makes me think of "take luck!"), "be strong", and "Be not dismayed". For me, those still have value for my purpose, so I've included them in the list.

Anyway, for those who are interested, here's a list of the verses I've found so far that tell us in some way, shape, or form not to fear. There may be more, and some verses are listed more than once if they tell us not to fear more than once in the same verse. It's my goal to continue reading through the verses, and to pray about them and over them when I am afraid, worried, or anxious. And you know what's pretty perfect about it all?

I have found 170 verses telling us not to fear in the Bible,
and exactly 170 days of my pregnancy left.
What a blessing for me to have an encouraging word not to fear
for the next 170 days!

The List

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love
1 Peter 3:14 Have no fear
1 Samuel 4:9 Take courage
1 Samu 28:13 Have no fear
Acts 18:9 Do not be afraid
Acts 23:11 Take Courage
Acts 27:24 Do not be afraid
Daniel 10:12 Fear Not
Daniel 10:19b Fear Not
Daniel 10:19a Be strong and of good courage
Deaut 7:21 You shall not be in dread of them
Deuteronomy 1:21 Do not fear
Deuteronomy 1:29 Do not be in dread or afraid of them
Deuteronomy 3:2 Do not fear
Deuteronomy 18:22 you need not be afraid
Deuteronomy 31:7 Be strong and of good courage
Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not fear
Deuteronomy 31:23 Be strong and of good courage
Deuteronomy 20:3a let not your heart faint
Deuteronomy 20:3b Do not fear
Deuteronomy 20:3c Or tremble
Deuteronomy 20:4d Or be in dread of them
Deuteronomy 31:6a Be strong and of good courage
Deuteronomy 31:6b Do not fear
Deuteronomy 31:6c Or be in dread of them
Ecclesiastes 8:2 Be not dismayed
Exodus 14:13 Fear Not
Exodus 20:20 Do not fear
Ezekiel 2:6a Be Not Afraid
Ezekiel 2:6b nor be afraid of their words
Ezekiel 2:6c Nor be dismayed at their looks
Ezra 10:4 Be strong
Gen 15:1 Fear Not
Gen 21:17 Fear Not
Gen 35:17 Fear Not
Gen 43:23 Do not be afraid
Gen 46:3 Do not be afraid
Gen 50:19 Fear Not
Gen 50:21 Do not fear
Gen 26:24 Fear Not
Haggai 2:4a Take Courage
Haggai 2:4b Take Courage
Haggain 2:4c Take Courage
Haggai 2:5 Fear Not
Hosea 10:3 Fear Not
I Chron 19:13 Be of good courage
1 Chron 22:13a Be strong, and of good courage
I Chron 22:13b Fear Not
I Chron 22:13c Be not dismayed
1 Chron 28:10 Be strong
1 Chron 28:20a Be strong, and of good courage
I Chron 28:20b Fear Not
I Chron 28:20c Be not dismayed
I Kings 17:13 Fear Not
I Sam 4:20 Fear Not
I Sam 12:20 Fear Not
I Sam 22:23 Fear Not
I Sam 23:17 Fear Not
I Sam 28:13 Have no fear
II Chron 15:7 Take courage!
II Chron 20:15 Fear Not
II Chron 20:15 Be not dismayed
II Chron 20:17 Fear Not
II Chron 20:17 Be not dismayed
II Chron 32:7a Be strong and of good courage
II Chron 32:7b Do not be afraid
II Chron 32:7c Or dismayed
II Kings 1:15 Do not be afraid
II Kings 6:16 Fear Not
II Kings 19:6 Do not be afraid
II Kings 25:24 Do not be afraid
II Sam 9:7 Do not fear
II Sam 10:12 Be of good courage
II Sam 13:28a Fear Not
II Sam 13:28b Be courageous
Hebrews 12:5 Nor lose courage
Isaiah 7:4 Do not fear
Isaiah 10:24 Be Not Afraid
Isaiah 35:4 Fear Not
Isaiah 37:6 Do not be afraid
Isaiah 40:9 Fear Not
Isaiah 41:6 Take Courage
Isaiah 41:10 Fear Not
Isaiah 41:13 Fear Not
Isaiah 43:1 Fear Not
Isaiah 43:5 Fear Not
Isaiah 44:2 Fear Not
Isaiah 44:8 Fear Not
Isaiah 51:7 Fear Not
Isaiah 51:7 Be not dismayed
Isaiah 54:4 Fear Not
Isaiah 8:12a Do not fear
Isaiah 8:12b Nor be in dread
Jeremiah 1:8 Be Not Afraid
Jeremiah 10:5 Be Not Afraid
Jeremiah 30:10 Fear Not
Jeremiah 40:9 Do not be afraid
Jeremiah 42:11 Do not fear
Jeremiah 46:27 Fear Not
Jeremiah 46:28 Fear Not
Jeremiah 42:11a Do not fear
Jeremiah 42:11b Do not fear
Job 33:7 No fear of me need terrify you
Job 37:6 Be strong.
Job 39:22a He laughs at fear
Job 39:22b Is not dismayed
Joel 2:21 Fear Not
Joel 2:22 Fear Not
John 6:20 Do not be afraid
John 12:15 Fear Not
Joshua 1:6 Be strong and of good courage
Joshua 1:7 Be strong and very courageous
Joshua 1:9a Be strong and of good courage
Joshua 1:9b Be not frightened
John 1:9c neither be dismayed
Joshua 1:18 Be strong and of good courage
Joshua 8:1 Do not fear
Joshua 8:1 Do not fear
Joshua 10:8 Do not fear
Joshua 10:25a Do not be afraid
Joshua 10:25b Be strong and of good courage
Joshua 11:6 Do not be afraid
Joshua 1:9a Be strong and of good courage
Joshua 1:9b be not frightened
Joshua 1:9c neither be dismayed
Joshua 10:25a Do not be afraid
Joshua 10:25b Be strong and of good courage
Judges 4:18 Have no fear
Judges 6:23 Do not fear
Lamentations 3:57 Do not fear
Luke 1:13 Do not be afraid
Luke 1:30 Do not be afraid
Luke 2:10 Be Not Afraid
Luke 5:10 Do not be afraid
Luke 8:50 Do not fear
Luke 12:4 Do not fear
Luke 12:7 Fear Not
Luke 12:32 Fear Not
Mark 5:36 Do not fear
Mark 5:36 Do not fear
Mark 6:50 Have no fear
Matthew 1:20 Do not fear
Matthew 10:26 Have no fear
Matthew 10:28 Do not fear
Matthew 10:31 Fear Not
Matthew 14:27 Have no fear
Matthew 17:7 Have no fear
Matthew 28:5 Do not be afraid
Matthew 28:10 Do not be afraid
Nehemiah 4:14 Do not be afraid
Numbers 13:20 Be of good courage
Numbers 21:34 Do not fear
Numbers 14:9a Do not fear
Numbers 14:9b Do not fear
Proverbs 3:25 Do not be afraid
Psalm 27:14 Take courage
Psalm 31:24 Take courage
Psalm 49:16 Be Not Afraid
Psalm 55:19 Do not fear
Psalm 118:6 Do not fear
Psalms 49:16 Be Not Afraid
Revelation 1:17 Fear Not
Revelation 2:10 Do not fear
Romans 13:3 Would you have no fear
Ruth 3:11 Do not fear
Zechariah 8:13 Fear Not
Zechariah 8:15 Fear Not
Zephaniah 3:16 Do not fear
1 Corinthians 16:13a Be courageous
1 Corinthians 16:13b Be strong