Isn't it ironic....dontcha think?

Well, that settles it.

OHSU was not bluffing--apparently, in Oregon, a hospital can send you to collections even if you've been making a payment every month, just because they've decided that it will take you too long to pay off your hospital balance.

We got a letter yesterday from the Oregon Department of Revenue that they now hold one of my three accounts from my skin cancer surgery at OHSU. I called to set up a payment plan yesterday. It's kind of funny, because their automated system basically says, "If your account is with traffic fines, press 1. If your account is with court fees, press 2. If your account is for jail fees, press 3. If your account is from OHSU, press 4." (You'll notice that there are no other hospitals on this list...)

Anyway, once I finally reached a person, I explained that we'd always paid on time every month, but that OHSU had turned it over  because they decided it would take too long to pay off. I said "Here's what I can afford to pay each month. Our income varies, so on months when we can afford to pay more, I'll happily send it." The nice (sarcasm font) lady at the department of revenue told me that they don't really care what we can afford to pay, that my minimum payment each month is X. I asked her what would happen if we couldn't afford to pay X, and she said she can't tell me that until November 5th, when our first payment is due. She said that they don't have any sort of financial paperwork to fill out, and that they really don't care what your income and bills look like. You pay their minimum payment or you don't, and if you don't....well, I don't know because she wouldn't tell me.

She then proceeded to tell me that my account will probably be paid off much more quickly than I expect anyway, as they'll just withhold all of our tax returns until it is paid off.

I kind of wanted to scream at her.  I know she's just doing her job. I know that technically, that's fair and that the doctors and hospitals deserve to be paid for their time. I know that's probably what we would have done with a tax return anyway.  But can I just say that it sucks? Because it does. It sucks. It sucks that no one seems to care that there's a person or a family on the other end of the line...who is just trying to balance paying for this unexpected surgery with all their other obligations...not to mention just life. It sucks that the house refinance that we were so excited about probably closing on in November? Probably won't happen now because of this. The really ironic and funny thing about all this? If we were/are able to refinance in November as we were (and still are) hoping, the entire OHSU bill would have been paid off at that point anyway.

I feel a little like I'm living in an Alanis Morisette song.

............................................................................................................................

It sucks that this is something that's heavy on my heart and mind lately, but I'm not even sure that I should blog about it because I'll probably get snarky anonymous comments about us and our money, and how maybe we shouldn't be having another baby if we're so poor, or maybe I shouldn't be buying leggings or mums (which, just for the record, I haven't) if we still have hospital debt. Or how maybe I should just get a job and shut up.

I don't know if I should blog about it because it will make family and friends worry about us...and really, I'm sure it'll be okay. It's just irritating. It just sucks. I'm just venting because we're trying to do the best that we can and to live on a budget and be fiscally responsible...all while watching people we know totally play the system and get rewarded for it. All while feeling like the people on the other end of the phone line do not care about us in the slightest. It's frustrating. And irritating. And I just want to stomp my feet and scream.

And then? There are times where all you can do is laugh. Like last night, when we were working on choosing songs for a Sunday service later in October, and we pulled up the Gospel reading for that particular Sunday. Anyone want to guess what the reading was? I'll tell you. Mark 10:23-31. The first sentence?

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard is it for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"

And I know what that passage is all about, and I know what it really means and how it's often misinterpreted and misapplied, but seriously, after a day like I had yesterday...being so irritated and so stressed about all things money, how can you not just laugh when that comes across the table?

Catching up.

{one} 

We made some serious progress in deep cleaning the house this weekend, which is awesome and amazing, because the next FOUR Saturdays are booked up...which is crazy and surreal. We still have a huge amount to do pre-baby, but getting a good check of the general deep-cleaning out of the way is a huge relief. And it's kind of nice that I could actually invite people over to our house again--it really was so bad, that it was out of the question!

{two}

I have a dermatologist appointment this morning, I think to check on how the place where I had stitches on my stomach is holding up, and also to monitor a mole. Even though I don't think it's going to be a big deal, I have a hard time not getting super anxious any time I have a dermatologist appointment. I freaked most of the night last night about the appointment.

{three} 

I did some housekeeping to the blog over the weekend--I cleaned up the sidebar a bit, and also revamped the pages in the header. Now, you can find all baby and infant related posts itemized in one central location, and also a master list of all book reviews. I'm also trying something new and opening up a limited number of sidebar ads via Passionfruit-- check it out if you're so inclined (and I promise you won't hear much more from me on the subject).

{four}

We went to a wedding over the weekend for a young couple that used to help with childcare for Mom's Group. Justin and I were cracking up because both the father/daughter dance and the mother/son dance were the exact same songs we used for our wedding. I don't think I've heard them at ANY wedding since then, so it was pretty funny to hear both in one wedding. We kept joking that we guessed we were supposed to be remembering our wedding that day ;)

{five}

I get to start Beth Moore's study of James with some of the ladies from Mom's Group this week, and I am so excited. SO. EXCITED. I have absolutely zero doubt that it'll be really good for me to really dig in to the Word in these last few weeks before having a baby...because I don't know about anyone else, but it is so easy for me to fall out of the habit of daily quiet time, and when I do, nothing good comes of it. Also? Totally crazy to think that I most likely won't finish the study with the group because I'll be off having a baby.

{six}

Last night, I had a conversation with Lizzy about dinner that went like this:
Me: Lizzy, would you like a cheeseburger for dinner?
Lizzy: No mom!! I want a hang-a-burger with cheese, please.

If I would have told her that a hang-a-burger with cheese is the same thing as a cheeseburger, it would have resulted in a 37 minute tantrum. Sometimes, it's just easier to call it a hang-a-burger with cheese.

{seven} 

I'm in a book slump. I haven't picked up a book that I was really, really excited about reading in too long. This is compounded by the fact that what I read before bed has recently been directly influencing some absolutely crazy pregnancy dreams, so I'm trying to limit myself to happy, inspirational fluff. But yeah...not excited about anything I've read lately. Any suggestions?

Thinking About Having A Baby...Again

So I've been thinking a little a lot lately about doing the whole labor and delivery thing again. Just like before, it's something that I have a little bit of anxiety about...I feel like there's just so many scary things that can happen and so much that can go wrong (seriously, we watched What to Expect When You're Expecting the other night, and one of the delivery scenes had me up almost all night freaking out and worrying). It's a situation where I really have very little control, and I like to be in control.

Anyway, I've been reflecting on what labor and delivery were like for me with Lizzy...I wrote about it shortly after she was born, but in having a couple years to think about it and read about a gazillion other birth stories, I think I have a slightly different take on things now than I did then...and some of it I just want to get out of my brain and down on paper.

First, here's a summary of how things went with Lizzy:
My water broke about 4am on a Sunday morning. I got in the shower almost right away, and noticed that my contractions were coming really fast and furious. I'd have contractions that were about 3 minutes long, then a thirty seconds in between, and then another 3 minute contraction...so we headed to the hospital basically right away.

We got to the hospital at about 5am. I was dilated to 4cm, and was super discouraged, because I'd been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks (I think!). I felt like I hadn't been able to catch my breath since we had left home, and the contractions just kept coming and coming with no break, and I was getting hysterical. I was lucky to get 15-20 seconds in between each 2 or 3 minute contraction. In retrospect, if you look up the textbook definitions of transitional labor, that was exactly how I felt from the time my water broke up until this point...which is weird, because if I were only dilated to a 4, I wouldn't be in transition yet. Anyway, I asked for an epidural.

The anesthesiologist came around 6:30am. After he gave me the epidural, I mostly felt better, but almost as soon as he administered it, I couldn't stop shaking uncontrollably. Justin kept giving me blankets, and I kept telling him that I was NOT cold, I just couldn't stop shaking. Sometime shortly after that, shift change happened, and I had a new nurse, who Justin really liked and I really did not. I kept telling her that I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought I needed to be checked. She kept telling me, "Oh honey, it's your first baby, you're going to be here for a very long time." She also kept telling me to eat something, and that Justin needed to take a nap...neither of which I thought were good ideas, and totally ignored her when she brought me some food.

Sometime between 8am and 9am, I finally convinced the nurse to check me...and I was dilated to a 10. I remember commenting that I was starting to feel a lot of pain again, and her responding something about how my IV had gotten bumped and I'd been given way too much fluid. Something like 5 bags since I'd been there.

I sort of remember a doctor  (not mine) coming in, and I remember being given the okay to push. Justin and my mom kept asking if I was okay because I was basically silent the whole time (in my own world, I guess). I remember not being sure if I was pushing the right way, and also Justin telling me that I actually needed to inhale in between pushes. I remember being in quite a bit of pain, and being surprised about it--doctors have always told me that I have a very high pain tolerance, and everyone had told me that with an epidural, I should expect pressure, but not pain. But I felt PAIN, and remember wondering if there was a problem with the epidural, but being told that if there was, it was too late to do anything about.

And then, at 10:25am, she was born. 6 hours and 25 minutes after my water broke. I needed a few stitches, and I totally and VIVIDLY remember feeling those. I remember wincing and saying "Ow! Ow! I can feel that!", and the doctor saying that I shouldn't be able to feel that, and that he'd hurry up.

I think I was up and walking around by noon or shortly thereafter. I'd heard horror stories from people about how long it took them to feel their legs again after an epidural, and I was surprised that I could totally feel mine pretty quickly afterwards. That said, recovery was awful. I was in a lot of pain for weeks. I was SO SO SO swollen, everywhere (apparently due to the incident with being given too much fluid). I remember feeling like everything hurt all the time, and wondering why no one had told me how awful the recovery was. Looking back, I really don't remember much of the first week, other than it was terrible and I was miserable.

So. That's that. Now, given some time...here's what I've been wondering: 
I remember that in the week before my water broke, we had almost gone to the hospital 3 or 4 times. I'd been having steady contractions, but they just never got any closer together. Looking back, I wonder if I'd been in early labor for a day (or two even) before my water broke, and just didn't fully realize it. I've been a little stressed about the fact that they say labor is shorter with each subsequent baby...and if labor is much shorter than it was with Lizzy, I'm worried about getting to the hospital in time! So, thinking that I'd been in early labor makes me feel a little better, for some reason.

I also wonder whether or not the epidural actually worked for me...or how long it worked for? I think it worked initially, and may have allowed me to relax and fully dilate. But then after that point, I'm not sure that it worked for much longer, and I have no idea whether that was due to the amount of fluids I'd been given, or something else. But I really don't KNOW for sure whether it was working or not...I have nothing to compare it to. I've wondered since shortly after Lizzy was born whether not getting an epidural would have made a difference in how I felt postpartum...if I'd have had an easier recovery if I hadn't gotten one. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if knowing then that I'd only have another couple hours in labor, if I couldn't have gone without it. I think I freaked out initially hearing I was only dilated to a 4, and thinking that I'd have another 20+ hours in labor and that I couldn't handle contractions like that for another 20+ hours. But 2 or 3 hours? I wonder if knowing that it was only like 2-3 more hours would have felt more do-able. Then, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like the reason I dilated to a 10 so quickly was because the epidural allowed me to finally relax. Or maybe that first time I was checked, I was measured incorrectly, and I really was starting to approach transition, like I felt. I just don't know...

I find myself going back and forth between thinking that I should really try to go without an epidural this time...but then again, who knows whether labor this time will be anything like it was with Lizzy? It COULD be 20 hours for all I know. I could not get the epidural only to be miserable and have problems progressing because I can't relax. Or, I could not get the epidural, and find that it really makes all the difference in terms of recovery. Or, I could get an epidural, and find that it's a completely different experience than last time, for better or for worse. I have no idea.

Feel free to chime in y'all...because I'm really feeling torn. Did anybody have an epidural with one kiddo and not with another? What was that difference like for you?

Crazier than Usual...

So, on Friday the dermatologist called to tell me that the spot that she removed was not melanoma. It was actually nothing at all, other than my awesome doctor being overly cautious. Thank God!

But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'

Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '

By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.

And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.

{which is really kind of humorous if you think about it}

I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.

When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.

Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)

Today...

I am {nervous} about my dermatologist appointment, even though I know it's not like I'll actually find anything out today. I'm also not looking forward to the stitches at all.

I am {thankful} that Justin moved the elliptical inside for me yesterday! I'm hoping to get on that soon, but it just occurred to me that the stomach stitches may throw a wrench into that plan. I hope not!

I am {laughing} about the coffee that Justin made. I'm pretty sure I could stand a horse-shoe up in it, it's so thick!

I'm {smitten} with my new niece Lyla Mae. There's just nothing better than a snuggling newborn. I never can decide whether I want to hold them, or take pictures of them more! Also, it was a total wake-up call that we'll have a newborn of our own relatively soon, which is NUTS.

I'm {a little worried} that my camera has been acting a little fussy lately. It's been displaying a "busy" message a lot more often lately, which used to be something I encountered very rarely--only when using the flash. Now, it seems to be happening a lot more frequently, and I'm hoping it's just a fluke and not the camera biting the dust!

I'm {so happy} to have an evening at home tonight! 

So.

I had my follow-up appointment with my dermatologist today regarding the skin cancer fiasco back in January. As I thought, the site of the skin cancer on my back looks fine, but she quickly focused in on a mole on my stomach above my belly button instead. She had asked about it last time, as it has slightly irregular borders--I told her that I've always had it and that it has always looked similar, but that it did seem to "stretch out" last time I was pregnant with Lizzy, and never completely went back to its pre-pregnancy shape. Then again, lot of things didn't.

She simply said that we'll watch it, and to remind her to look at it the next time I came in. So this time I did--and I figured that it was actually kind of a good thing I was pregnant, because it meant that she could actually see how it stretches.

She said that although skin definitely changes during pregnancy, and although pregnancy is obviously the worst possible time to remove a mole from the stomach, she wants to remove it ASAP. I go back Monday afternoon. It had stretched from 8mm to 11mm, and none of the other moles on my belly had stretched the same way during this pregnancy, and she said that she's just not going to take any chances with me, because any time a mole changes, you have to be concerned with melanoma. And though she doesn't think it's melanoma, she didn't think the mystery bruise was a super-rare form of skin cancer either. As she said, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people...twice. And I'm just not going to take any chances with you."

Which I'm thankful for. But also? A little bit terrified. Because melanoma is a big, scary word. And I know that we have no idea whether or not this little mole is or isn't melanoma yet, but it's hard for me not to go there...last time around, the answer was, "Yes, you have skin cancer." It's hard for me not to assume that's going to be the answer again this time (though for the record, the type I had previously does not increase my chances for any other kind of skin cancer in the future). I know that's not necessarily logical, but that's just the way my brain works.

And honestly? I just don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do the waiting and worrying. I don't want to do the months and months of paying doctors and hospitals. I don't want to do the weeks of not being able to physically pick up Lizzy...because even after stitches are removed, the skin is only at 10% strength. I definitely don't want to do whatever it is that comes after this if it IS skin cancer. Again.

And when I got in the car, and that song that goes "what if blessings come through raindrops" was on the radio, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Because although it's true, and I saw it in my own life last time around, I don't want to do it again. No gracias. And so right now, no matter how many Bible verses or devotions I read, or how many pages of scribbled frantic handwriting I jot into my prayer journal...right now...the bottom line is that I'm just a little bit scared. A little bit overwhelmed.

Sigh. Again.

Hello Day.

 

 Hello dinner. I've largely missed you these past few weeks. You really hit the spot! 

Hello purple toenails! I can't remember the last time I bought a new fingernail polish, and when I do, I usually stick to the cheapies (I've never had or used Essie or OPI nailpolish in my life, so I don't even know what I'm missing). This time, you didn't let me down Wet N' Wild. I'm digging this pretty lilac-y color, and the huge oversized brush that made painting super fast. 

 Hello grass seed. Grow baby, grow! We planted almost 6,000 sq feet of grass seed in our backyard this past weekend, and now we are watering like crazy and anxiously waiting for it to sprout. I don't know why, but I'm so nervous that it isn't going to grow! I'm so happy we seeded when we did and didn't wait--because if we had waited until after Justin had gotten paid, I think the money we had allocated would have ended up being used for other things. And we've been talking about doing the backyard for four years, so I'm kind of relieved that we didn't have the opportunity to be all sensible and say, "We can hold off another year...we could really use that money elsewhere." It's done already, there's nothing to do about it now, I'm sure things will work out this month, and I'm super excited to use the heck out of the yard this summer. 

Hello perfectly timed encouragement from a blog friend, Megan. This is one of the things that I love so much about blogging. You all are a BLESSING, and such an encouragement to me on so many occasions. 

  Hello OB appointment and ultrasound tomorrow. I'm still super nervous. But today, I noticed for the first time that it's on the same day as the National Day of Prayer, and that kind of made me smile. Lord knows I'll probably be praying up a storm that morning! 

Hello day :) 

Baby #2: 11 weeks

 

How far along: 11 weeks exactly.

Size of baby: A lime (The Bump) or a fig (BabyCenter). 

Weight Gain: -5 pounds.

Symptoms: Just the usual--tired, feeling nauseous at night, falling asleep on the couch after dinner. This morning, I had the first of what I'm sure will be frequent crazy pregnancy dreams...oddly enough, a few of you who may be reading this were in them! In the hour between when Justin left and I finally woke up, I had dreams that featured Kristal (with a two-year-old girl named Kylie who was keeping you from resting in the hospital prior to having a baby) and also Renee (with a huge new dog named Kyle, which you were NOT happy about, but were trying to pretend to be). I guess the name Kyle/Kylie was on my mind!

Exercise: Nothing specific, though MAN, it had been so hot here lately that pulling weeds in the garden sure felt like exercise! My goal is to pop on a movie for Lizzy and hop on the treadmill for awhile this morning.

Clothes: Right now, my regular stuff is actually more comfortable than my maternity stuff. Generally, I'm just at the stage where I feel all lumpy, but I actually don't think the "bump" is super noticeable in regular clothes, compared to when I'm in yoga pants and a t-shirt, which is one reason why I stayed in my PJs for the above picture! Who am I kidding though...I'm still in them...

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing in particular. Sometimes, I'll make something for dinner, and then my the time it's done, I have absolutely no desire to eat it. I'm trying to force myself to at least try it before making myself something different, otherwise I'd break the bank with our grocery budget! Also, I've been slacking on the water consumption this week, and need to get back with it!

Movement: Nope. Obviously it'll be awhile. But for any second (or more) time moms, I'm curious to know if you felt movement sooner with subsequent pregnancies?

Worries: My next appointment with an ultrasound is in one week (at 3pm). I'd love your thoughts and prayers--I'm nervous about it, as always. Last night, we were talking with Lizzy before bed about how a little boy had gotten an owie in the nursery at church on Sunday, and how Lizzy was very nice to suggest that maybe a group hug would make him better. Then, Lizzy turned to me and sort of asked/said, "Mama's baby has a owie?!" which I know was just an innocent relating of something we'd just been talking about, but it seriously freaked me out even more.

Milestones: Baby's fingers and toes are no longer webbed. She's about 1 and a half inches long, and bones are just now beginning to harden. The little one is kicking away in there, even though I can't feel it yet.

Best moment of the week:I really enjoyed the few sunny days we had this past week, including spending time with my aunt and uncle, and then a fun BBQ on Saturday. It finally felt like summer may eventually get here. Of course, being the Pacific NW, we're back to rain again today, but that's okay because I'm getting antsy to plant my garden even though it's not time yet, and then rain will deter me!

Blessed & Thankful

 

That's right--if all goes well, Lizzy's going to be a big sister on or around November 15, 2012! This means that according to my ultrasound yesterday, I'm now 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant.

If I'm totally honest, I'm still not super comfortable posting this today--it's a little early for my preference! I know it's crazy, but we waited to tell the world until I was 12 weeks with Lizzy, and telling earlier kind of makes me feel like I'm jinxing things. But Lizzy came with us to the first appointment yesterday, and she'll tell every random person we come across, so I figured I might as well take the leap of faith and share with you all as well. Besides, I would absolutely love your prayers!

I've been writing little snippets for the past couple of months. Even though it'll make this post a little long, I figured I'll include them here just for my own record-keeping. You are totally free to skip over them if you wish, but I do think they'll probably answer a lot of potential questions. If you have more questions, feel free to hit the comments! Obviously, the following may contain TMI for some people...you have been warned!

2/22/12-So, on Sunday Feb 12th, I should have begun a new pack of BC pills, but didn't. And now I'm officially going crazy--with Lizzy, we never actually "tried" to conceive, so I didn't really pay too much attention to early symptoms. But this time around, I know we're trying, and right now, either I've got some CRAZY phantom symptoms going on, or I'm somehow legitimately already pregnant even though technically speaking I shouldn't have even ovulated yet. Or maybe I am ovulating, and that's what all the symptoms are? I don't know!

3/3/12- Took a pregnancy test this morning. It was negative. I wasn't charting, but my gut is that I was probably 14 dpo, so it should have been positive. But 'technically' speaking, I was only 10dpo. Am I just crazy? Or did I test too soon? There's still 5 days until AF is due, so maybe so.

3/7/12- I couldn't sleep and felt sick most of the night, so about 4 am I took another pregnancy test and was pretty surprised to see that it was POSITIVE. I finally woke Justin up about 4:30am to tell him...he said it was worth getting up that early for :) Last time, we really didn't tell anyone until I was 8 weeks, and most of our friends didn't find out until I was 12 weeks. This time, we told immediate family this morning, other than the kiddos (because once they know, EVERYONE will know). I'm glad we did, but it's also a little hard for me because we didn't do that last time...and so I kind of feel like we "jinxed" it...which I know is silly...but this 4-8 week period of pregnancy is always hardest for me. It's like 'Am I really pregnant?! How would I know if it were ectopic/molar/a missed miscarriage?'

4/4/12- I'm a little less than a week away from my first appointment (just shy of 8 weeks if you go my last cycle). I'm nervous. I have nightmares sometimes of all of us going to the doctor's office, and the sweet ultrasound tech saying, "I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat." And then, I also find myself thinking irrationally sometimes--for example, with Lizzy I spotted heavily the whole first trimester. I haven't spotted this time at all. But instead of rejoicing in that, I find myself thinking that something must be wrong...because I'm not spotting. Which I know is silly, but I can't stop thinking it. We still haven't told Lizzy yet, and have been really cautious not to talk about it while she's around, but she still often talks about the "baby in mama's belly."

4/5/12- Naturally, after I wrote that I hadn't been spotting, I started spotting (last night). It was light pink spotting and didn't last long, but because it was accompanied by some sharp pain on one side of my abdomen, my OB wanted me to come in today for an ultrasound, to rule out ectopic pregnancy (my first appointment was originally scheduled for Monday). I'm nervous, but also thankful that they are letting me come in today instead of stewing over it all weekend. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that I bled heavily with Lizzy and she was fine. Spotting could be nothing. But it also could be something, and I'm nervous.

So. Justin, Lizzy, and I went in to the doctor yesterday, and I was so nervous! They did an ultrasound first, and saw a little wiggling baby measuring 8 weeks exactly, which is what I technically should be based on my last cycle. I really could have sworn that I was actually a week ahead of that, but I wasn't charting, so I guess I can't really say for sure. Naturally (because everything baby related makes me nervous), it made me nervous that the dates weren't lining up with what I was expecting, even though they were lining up PERFECTLY with what the doctor was expecting. I'm trying to just relax, and remember that the doctor and tech both said that they saw absolutely nothing that concerned them, so at this point I have no reason to stress.

We got to see and hear the heartbeat (162 bpm). I was expecting Lizzy to be super excited when we explained what the ultrasound was showing, but she basically looked at me like 'Duh Mom...I've been telling you that you have a baby in your belly for weeks.'  :)

They didn't really have an explanation for the spotting, just as they didn't really ever have an explanation for the spotting with Lizzy...but still, I'm praying that there are WAY fewer scary bleeding episodes this time! I'm trying not to spend the whole pregnancy in a state of fear and anxiety, but there's honestly always a part of me, however small, that doesn't really believe we'll get to take the baby home until we're actually on the way home from the hospital. So, I'm excited, but pretty nervous too...which I think is often pretty par for the course when it comes to pregnancy!

Today, I am pregnant. Today, the baby is healthy and I am so thankful. 

God is good, always. 

Week 2

Fear is sneaky.

It comes in unexpected places.

Like, the book that I have been on the waiting list for at the library for months, only to finally receive and realize that it's about a mother with cancer, who I'm getting the impression will die.

Or the episode of The Closer two weeks ago--which Justin and I sat down to watch eager for some relief after finding out that the diagnosis was in fact skin cancer, only to realize that a major sub-story in that particular episode was Brenda's father being diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

It's in writing my monthly Letter to Lizzy, and the brief thought that appeared out of nowhere, "I wonder if I started doing these because I would die when Lizzy is young. I wonder if these will be the only thing she remembers me by."

Or, it's in having a stomach ache, and wondering if I ate something that didn't agree with me, or if the cancer is just more advanced than they knew.

The trouble is, that once that fear is there...it can be hard to banish. But sometime last week, I decided that my fear is just not going to encroach on the joy that this time of year brings. I just will not allow myself to linger on it. Thankfully, I can usually count on sleep to help, and to feel calm when I wake. Immersing myself in fiction also helps. Consequently, I'm doing a lot more sleeping and reading than cleaning house or making dinner lately. Our house is a disaster, but the trade-off (my mental health) has been well worth it.

Also, last week, my dermatologist spent over a half an hour on the phone, answering every question and concern that I had. Thank GOD for her. I remember finishing the conversation with her, and just feeling confident and at peace...but how quickly that confidence can be shaken! Even later that same day, I found myself worrying and doubting again. I wrote my questions and her answers down while we were speaking, but I'm the type of person that learns by writing. So, I'm going to type up some of my questions and her answers here, just so that the knowledge can sink even further into my bones and my soul. Also, I hope it will answer some of the questions that have been asked by all of you!

Me: As far as going to Portland for the surgery, was it just that the local doctor doesn't handle this type of skin cancer and/or that the hospital there was just more familiar with it? Not necessarily that it is a bad type of cancer, but just that it needed to be addressed quickly?
Dr: A little of both--the local doctor couldn't get you in until March, and it just can't wait that long. Also, the local doctor wanted you to have the procedure in Portland because DFSP is sometimes an iceberg--it can be bigger than you might think initially. I've actually seen cases of huge DFSP tumors quite often because I trained at Mayo Clinic, and sometimes it can be no big deal, but you never know for sure until you get in there.

Me: Is there any reason to worry or suspect that I may have more of these DFSP's elsewhere?
Dr: No. These come singly. I've never seen a case with more than one at once. Occasionally, they may come back right where they were, but not in groupings.

Me: Because of the small size, is it your guess that it was caught early?
Dr: What I could feel felt small. What I cut out felt about the size of a lima bean. I didn't feel more beneath that that seemed like DFSP, but it can occasionally send out tendrils, and the cancer cells were close to the edges of what I cut out, which is why we need to do the Moh's procedure, to make sure it is all gone.

Me: Are there any follow-ups to make sure that the clear margins were achieved with the Moh's procedure?
Dr: You'll come back every 4-6 months for several years. I have had a patient who had a recurrence of DFSP--she I could both feel it right away in her skin exam. You can usually see or feel recurrences. Moh's procedure gives the best protection against recurrence.

Me: So just to confirm, the prognosis is good?
Dr: Yes, as long as it is taken care of quickly.

Me: Before we found out about the DFSP, we had been talking about possibly having more kids. That's off the table for now, but would you be able to let us know when that's something that we could start discussing again?
Dr: As far as I'm concerned, you could be trying now. I don't think there would be any reason to worry if you became pregnant--it wouldn't affect your treatment, and the DFSP wouldn't affect a pregnancy.

The pregnancy talk is still tabled for the moment--I would just feel better waiting for now. At least until Portland is done. But, my doctor's comments that she would have no problem okaying us to start trying is helpful to me in putting this all into context. She must really consider the prognosis to be good if she was ready to okay trying to conceive.

Thank you guys so much for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. It means so much.

Aftermath.

I had a complete ugly-cry breakdown on Tuesday afternoon. I was at a birthday breakfast for two of my sisters-in-law Tuesday morning when I got a call that the local surgeon does not handle this type of skin cancer and that I would have to go to Portland for the procedure (it's scheduled for January 6th).

It felt like nothing was going right...and if nothing was going right now, how could it possibly be okay in the end?! I freaked.

I think that one of the things that was helping me stay relatively calm was being able to tell myself that it was just a basic in-office procedure that could be done here locally, and no big deal. I'd be home in my own bed that night. But then when I was told it had to be in Portland, suddenly we were talking cancer centers, big teaching hospitals, making arrangements to leave Lizzy overnight (which we haven't done yet), arranging for Justin to get time off work--unpaid, as his work no longer gives vacation or sick time. It meant being given info for patient advocates, The American Cancer Society, and places that give assistance for medical-related travel expenses. It meant calling places and saying, "Hi, I'm Meredith, and I have an extremely unusual form of skin cancer and I need to _______." It meant letters from my dermatologist, which she said were meant not to freak me out but to allow for maximum assistance from some local nonprofits that assist with out of town medical expenses (though, I'm not sure I should read the letters at all, because I have no doubt that they will, indeed, just freak me out). It just felt like it became so much bigger in a matter of minutes, if that makes any sense.

[I can see now that since this is a rare form of skin cancer, it's probably better that I'm in a larger city, with a larger hospital, and doctors who have more experience with looking at this specific type of cancer, since the key part of the procedure is making sure that none of the cancer cells remain. I didn't see it then though!]

Because of the nature of where I received the call about having to go up to Portland, it also meant explaining the whole situation over and over again, which was a little hard for me. I know it was simply because my friends and family care about me and wanted to know what was going on. But saying it out loud is still hard. I don't like to breakdown in public, and I don't always trust my emotions with this yet. Then, over the course of the day, a few well-intentioned people voiced concerns and statements like, "How do they know that this cancer isn't everywhere already?" I can understand the heart behind those statements, but at the time, they just freaked me out even more.

And I feel kind of crappy even mentioning this, but I was also overwhelmed with offers to help--cooking meals, watching Lizzy, everything. Normally, this would definitely be a good thing, but I was already so overloaded with information that it just didn't feel like the good kind of overwhelmed at the time. I felt like I couldn't make any decision at all, and the idea of possibly hurting anyone's feelings by saying 'Thanks, but we've already got that covered,' just sent me over the top. Like I said, I feel a little terrible for even writing this, because obviously having more help than needed is a great problem to have, and I'm so thankful for my family and friends. I'm at the point now where I *truly* appreciate all the offers to help...and to all my friends and family--I'm sorry if I didn't seem to be appreciative at the time. I was just overwhelmed with information at that point, and didn't know how to handle it all.

And then on the way home, I felt like every song on the radio was of the I-can't-wait-to-be-in-heaven variety, and I found myself shouting "No! I DO NOT want to be in heaven right now!!' at inanimate objects in the car. I'm sure Lizzy must have thought I'd lost my marbles.

In a way, I guess I had.

I called Justin and told him that I was bringing him Taco Bell for lunch. The day called for fake nacho cheese, you know? Justin is a wise man and sweet husband, and said okay even though he had packed himself a lunch, and it wasn't exactly in the budget. Once I got there, I cried so hard I fogged up all the windows. Asking silly questions that felt so big in my mind at the time, like 'I thought we'd have Lizzy's birthday party that weekend--when will we have it now and what if I don't feel up to throwing a party?'

Justin was great. He listened. And then he laid out a plan for what we'll do--which was exactly what I needed at a time. I needed someone to delegate for me. He told me about the quiet car ride we'll have with adult music. That it can be a fun(ish) weekend away instead of just a trip for the procedure. Maybe I'll even be able to convince him to eat at Cafe Yumm ;)

Then, I went home and had an afternoon in my pajamas browsing Pinterest (thank you Dad for the router that makes Pinterest browsing possible!).

I say all this because I think it's important to be clear that however the last few posts may have come across, I'm not without worry or fear about all this. The worry and fear come sneaking up, especially at night. However, the worries don't feel as all-consuming as they have. I'm trying not to dwell on them as I have in the past--I'm trying to nip them in the bud. Pray about them. Surrender them. And then move past them. But let me be clear--I don't do it right all the time. Not even close.

I'm doing okay again now. Feeling more positive, but a little frustrated to not know more--the nurse from Portland acknowledged that this is often the case with patients who have the more rare forms of skin cancer because their local dermatologist often doesn't know a ton about it other than that the patient needs to be referred to Portland. And since we're out of town, we don't sit down and talk with the doctor ahead of time--that all happens on the day of the surgery (though she did assure me that I can always call if I have more questions). For now though, sometimes it's a little hard to balance what my dermatologist has told me (essentially that this is NOT a big deal) with some of the stories and info that I initially read online. Does my doctor really know what she's talking about? But then again, how do I even know that the stories I initially read online are accurate and/or reflective of my situation?

It's a little hard, sometimes. Everyone tells me that they are sure that I'll be fine...but they were all also sure that it wasn't cancer in the first place, so...

No. I need to stop thinking that way. It's a logical fallacy, and I know it. Don't ask me which one, because it's been far too long since I've taken AP Comp.

I think I've also decided that I'm going to try to limit writing about this on the blog to no more than once a week, if at all possible. I'm kind of tired of writing about it, just as I'm sure you're all tired of reading about it. I know that sometimes I'll need to get things out and just vent, but I also don't want my blog to become a place where I can drown myself in worries and obsessive thoughts. I need a balance. And, I need to force myself to do and write about other things too.

Tomorrow? I'm writing about Outlander :)

Surrender.

Well, it's Sunday night (though by the time you read this, it will be Monday morning), and I'm sitting here in the dark and editing some photos on and off while Justin watches Avatar.

I still have no internet other than my Blackberry, which I generally regard as a huge inconvenience, but tonight I'm beginning to think that there may be a silver lining.

You see, I'm fully aware that on Monday or Tuesday I should be hearing back to find out whether the "mystery bruise" is in fact some type of scar tissue, or some rare type of skin cancer. And tonight, the fact that I am completely unable to spend hours online researching treatment plans and survival rates is a blessing. Because truthfully, I probably would be.

These past two weeks, except for a few small freak outs, I have been relatively worry-free about the mystery bruise. I am fully aware that being free of worry these past two weeks is a God thing--it certainly isn't a Meredith thing. I worry. About everything. It's what I do--even being in fourth or fifth grade, I can remember intentionally wearing my heaviest boots to the movie theater, just in case someone tried to hold everyone in the theater hostage--I could use my big heavy boots to kick them in the face and save the day. I worry. Excessively. About things that I can't control. It's always been there, really. So, I had been bracing myself for these past few weeks of waiting, but I have been relatively FREE of that worry, and I am so grateful for the peace that God has provided in my life right now.

But. BUT. Tonight, I'm freaking out a little bit. The phone call could come tomorrow. What if it's skin cancer?

I know that there's no sense in worrying tonight about what tomorrow will bring, especially since my own worrying won't do anything to change the outcome. The funny thing is that I've prayed...I've tried to surrender it to God. I've written down the small blessings in my life, and truly, I'm blessed beyond measure. I ran a mile and lifted, letting the endorphins wash over me and relieve some of my stress.

But. BUT. Still, the anxiety and the fear continue to roll over me like a giant wave. I'm having trouble shaking it. And really, it's not even so much the fear of skin cancer right now...it's the WAITING. I just want to know. And be able to move on, knowing which steps are next.

But really, it's about me learning to surrender. That worrying for enough hours tonight won't make it go away. That I have no control right now, but that God does. That God will not give me skin cancer as a punishment or a "test", nor would he "cure me" just because I've prayed hard enough or done enough good things. But. BUT that even if I do have skin cancer, God will walk me through it, providing me with comfort and strength. That even though sickness is not God's desire or doing, he could use even THAT for good...I just have to stop trying to control it and fix it on my own, and surrender.

"I surrender all
to the promises you made.
And I will give it all
to the maker of the day."
~Newsboys, I Surrender All

So. An update about the bruise.

So, I just got a call from the dermatologist. She said that they are sending my "bruise" to Portland for a second opinion because it could be benign scar tissue, but it could also be that "zebra" she was telling me about, which something called a "DFSP" and is a very rare sarcoma. They should have the results in about two weeks. She then said (and I wrote this down pretty much exactly because I will need to remind myself of this over the next two weeks), "I don't want you to stress out because this isn't a big issue. This kind of sarcoma doesn't have lasting health effects or anything like that. It's not a big deal. If it comes back as positive, it would just require another in-office surgery to make sure we got it all, and we may want to do that anyway."

When we got off the phone, I was a little confused and obviously scared that she was talking about a "sarcoma". So, I googled "DFSP", and was not at all prepared for all the scary info that came my way. I don't know--even though I know sarcomas are cancer, from the way that the dermatologist portrayed it as really being no big deal, I just wasn't prepared for all the cancer info that popped up...and while a lot of it did say that the survival rate is much higher than other cancers (the 5 year survival rate is 99.2% and the 15 year survival rate is 97.2%), the bottom line is that I was just not prepared to even be seeing words like "survival rate".

And I couldn't stop myself from thinking 'Well, if it IS this extremely rare form of skin cancer that only like 5 in a million get anyway, what's to say that I wouldn't be the exception to the rule when it comes to the survival rate as well?'

Ugh. This is scary.

But on the other hand, nothing is for sure yet, and it could just be scar tissue and be totally fine.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next two weeks without totally freaking out.

I'll tell you one thing though--tomorrow, when Justin gets paid,I'm going to order What Women Fear by Angie Smith. I'm going to carve out time every day to try and study and pray. I'm going to try to actually accept the comfort and strength that God readily offers to me. And right now, I'm going to curl up on the couch, and watch a movie with my sweet girl.

Paging Doctor Google...or Not.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning--I've had this little bitty bruise on my back for a couple of months now. It's the type of thing that I won't notice for a couple of months, and then I'll lean back in a chair and feel pain and think, "That's STILL there?!" I wasn't sure if it was from softball--maybe where the bat hits my back when I swing? But the bruise is so small (less than a half an inch), and the placement isn't quite right. Anyway, I told Justin that I'd just feel better if someone laid eyes on it, so I saw the nurse practitioner this morning.

She looked at it, and said, "Hmmmm. I've never seen anything like that before." Then, she called in my doctor. He said, "I've never even seen anything quite like that, even in textbooks," (I laughed, because that's just so me--I'm the girl whose appendicitis went undiagnosed because my appendix was in the wrong place. I'm the girl who had a breast tumor removed at age 19. I'm just kind of a medical anomaly.) The nurse said, "Yeah, and it doesn't blanch. It's sort of like a hematoma under the skin." They referred me to a dermatologist--they warned me that it would probably take 3 months to get in, but happily, the derm had an opening on the 18th. And largely, I didn't worry too much about it for the rest of the day...

And then. THEN. When I got home tonight, I consulted Dr. Google. Why do I do this? I *know* it's never a good idea, but I do it anyway. I Googled something about a hematoma that doesn't blanch, and what was starting me back in the face was enough to scare anybody's socks off--Leukemia. Meningitis. Lupus. All sorts of other things that I just don't want to deal with. And the worry and fear just came pouring in. Even though nothing really looked like my unique little bruise, it seems that anything that doesn't blanch is bad, bad, bad....according to Dr. Google anyway.

Why in the world do I think that Google will be able to diagnose me more effectively than the doctor who has literally known me my entire life? Better than a doctor who knows all my weird history, and was literally the only medical professional in my corner back during the tumor debacle?

More importantly, why don't I pray if I'm worried? I've seen firsthand in my life over the past year what a difference God has made in terms of my worries and fears, so why don't I turn to Him first, rather than Google? 

Dr. Google, I think it's time we break up. Hopefully this time it's for good.

Snippets

-On Sunday, we headed to Justin's parents' house after church. There was a HUGE wind-storm that apparently downed several big trees on power lines. The power went out at about 2pm-ish, and was still out when we left about 6:30pm. While it would undoubtedly be irritating not to have running water overnight, it was actually kind of nice to spend a quiet, candle-filled afternoon with the family. It reminded me just how little we actually NEED power during the day!

-A lady at church kind of freaked me out yesterday. She expressed concern to me that Lizzy walks slightly pigeon-toed, and sometimes drags one of her toes. I had noticed that she sometimes drags her toe, but have noticed that it's usually only when we've just sized up in her shoes, or when she trips because she's trying to run faster than her little legs can carry her. Other than that, I hadn't noticed that she was particularly pigeon toed, but I've heard that it's common for kids to walk slightly pigeon-toed at Lizzy's age, and that even if she WAS walking pigeon-toed, now the standard treatment is often to do nothing unless it's seriously impeding the child's ability to walk. I asked Justin's mom about it after church, and she told me that Justin's sister was pretty pigeon toed, but that she definitely wouldn't worry about Lizzy at this point. I know the lady was just trying to help,  but it's kind of awkward and weird feeling as a mom when someone expresses concern to you about your kid--like you're not taking care of them. I felt pretty defensive about it, actually.

-I finished the book Midwives by Chris Bohjalian, and really, really liked it. It's kind of funny because I remember starting that book five or six times when it first came out, and I just COULD NOT get into it. This time? I loved it. Even though I'm not someone who feels passionate about home births, it was a truly interesting piece of fiction, and I really enjoyed it.

- I am LOVING Beth Moore's study of David that we're doing. I know she's a controversial person, and this is the only study of hers that I've participated in, so I really can't attest to anything else, but I am so enjoying this one. The videos are great, but more than anything, I'm enjoying the "homework" in between sessions. It's nice for me to have some quiet time really reading and delving into the Bible on a daily basis. I'm not sure I've ever had that in my life before.

-Justin and I are registered for a 5k that's happening in less than a month! I'm kind of nervous because we've been doing Insanity recently so I haven't been running, and haven't actually run 3.1 miles, even when I got to the 30 plus minute runs of C25K. Still, I'm pretty confident that Insanity is helping us build up the cardio endurance that we need to run. I'm trying to decide whether we should start substituting our Saturday Insanity workout for a run? I really WANT to do every day of Insanity though, and I don't think we could realistically do both. Our other option would be just to keep doing Insanity, and show up for the 5k without really training for it--maybe it doesn't really matter whether we actually run the whole thing or what our time is, but just that we do it and finish. Maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised after all this Insanity insanity.

-I suckered two friends into letting me do newborn sessions with them this spring, and I am so excited about it. I have some fun ideas, I just need to finish knitting another cocoon or two and find (or make) a beanbag. I need to be careful though, because I could easily spend hundreds of dollars buying props!

103 and Other Things.

This is one of those days where I feel like I have a ton to say, and I'm just not sure how to phrase any of it. Maybe I'll just ramble. I'm an expert rambler, just so you know.

-On Justin's side of the family, there are four "sisters"--Justin's actual sister's Karla, and Kelsey. And then Renee and I, who "married in". Renee, Karla, and I have been getting together at least once a week (with another girl from our softball team) to have lunch, let the kids play, and then we do a short Bible study. Right now, we're reading Max Lucado's newest book Fearless. I love that time so much--coming together in the Word, sharing our own thoughts and fears. Spending time with amazing women, wives, and moms. It's a great start to my week. Especially right now, because I'm finding that anxiety is rearing its ugly little head.

- I've always loved a capella groups. Even before Glee came along and made them cool again--which I am THRILLED about. Anyway, one of the big ones out here is "On the Rocks", which is the University of Oregon's male a capella group. They've gone viral this week for their rendition of Lady GaGa. It's hilarious.




-Right now, I'm on the mini-pill for birth control. I'm not sure whether or not I want to switch to something different. The fact that it's less effective than regular BC pills freaks me out. And there seems to be a ton of debate about whether or not you should use condoms along with the mini pill. But if I'm going to use condoms anyway, what's the point of being on the pill? And I've also heard lots of stories about moms who got pregnant again while on the mini pill, which really freaks me out because I am so not ready to be pregnant again. Which probably comes across as being really insensitive, because I know that it's Infertility Awareness week. I hate that so many of my friends are dealing with infertility whereas I'm desperately trying not to get pregnant. Anyway, I'd love to hear what all you momma's did for BC after you had your bambinos. 

-Sweet Justin pre-empted a major breakdown on my part last night by doing the dishes. Lizzy is teething, and therefore has been kind of a basket case for the last new days. And I don't know if she's growing (and thus eating more) or me not sleeping well at night from my allergies, but the last few days I have just been EXHAUSTED. I have been trying to nap when she naps, but that means that I don't get as much cleaning done around the house, and it is frustrating for me. I don't do very well living in a state of chaos.

-I am officially down a jeans size. I still don't think I've actually lost any weight, but the down a size thing is really, really nice.

-Five or six people have called me recently about doing photo shoots recently. Could this really take off as an actual business? I've also had a few wedding requests, but I just do NOT feel ready to do a wedding yet--I haven't even been a second shooter for a wedding yet!

-Our softball team only lost by one run during tie-breaker rules last weekend. It was an awesome time, and the ump said it was the best season-opener he's ever done. And I love all the people on the team--I hope we continue to do things outside of softball this summer!

More Photos and Snippets

I can just picture her thinking "I do NOT heart rainbows, and I don't know why you insist on dressing me up in all this girlie junk, mom!" Speaking of girlie junk, Ethan sent me a pretty amazing non-girlie onesie that I cannot WAIT until she grows into, because it is hilarious. 

 

Also, people keep asking us who Lizzy looks like. To be honest, I don't think she looks too much like either of us (though I will admit that she has my long spinster fingers). To be honest, I think that Lizzy looks like that  little boy from Love Actually!

In other news......

-Lizzy is a pretty good baby for the most part. She really does sleep a LOT. That said, she's been going through a phase lately where during the day, she wants to be held on my chest literally all the time. If I set her down for even a minute, she screams bloody murder. Sitting on the couch all day catching up on shows that I had DVR'ed was nice for the first week or so, but now I'm just feeling really unproductive. I have to go in to town tomorrow for an allergy shot. I think I'm going to stop at the fabric store while I'm in town and pick up some jersey fabric to make a DIY Moby Wrap. They aren't exactly the most flattering things in the world, but at least it might help me to get things done around the house. So that might help the days situation...but I'm afraid that it probably won't help the fact that Lizzy has also decided that she does not sleep from 2am-4:30am.

-There was a special election in Oregon yesterday. It was an interesting measure designed to tax "big corporations" more (though in actuality, there are some pretty big consequences for small businesses as well), which would theoretically provide more income for schools. The bad thing about the measure is that it was retroactive, which means that it was factored into 2009's budget before it was ever voted on. Since the measures passed, businesses now have an expense for 2009 that they didn't budget for...not a big deal for huge corporations, but most definitely a big deal for small businesses like the one J works for. For the record, it's worth noting that J's company is a FANTASTIC company to work for, and I love his bosses. They are genuinely good guys. But because of the economy, they've (understandably) had to make lots of cuts within the company. They've increased employee insurance premiums, they've frozen the accumulation of PTO, and they've laid off more than half the shop. I'm a little nervous to see how J's company will handle this--I'm not sure what else they could cut!

- I need a nursing cover of some sort. Any suggestions?

-I am having a hard time with this post-pregnancy body of mine. I feel lumpy. I hate that every day when Justin comes home, I'm in sweats, and probably haven't showered. If I have, my hair is just thrown up into a ponytail.  Why am I in sweats every day? Because clothes (both maternity and pre-pregnancy) don't fit right. And it doesn't seem like breastfeeding is making anything "melt away" like so many people said it would. I am looking forward to my 6 week appt, where I'll hopefully be given the green light to exercise to my heart's content. I think I'm going to try doing the 30 Day Shred--which will probably (hopefully) totally kick my ass (back into shape).

No More Google!

This post could also be named "Why I Should Not Google Unsupervised"

"Googling and Pregnancy Do Not Mix" 

"This is Meredith's Anxiety-Ridden Brain After Using Google To Diagnose Herself" 


"Meredith Is Not A Doctor, and Shouldn't Play One on Google"

Do you see where this is going? Justin does. My Dad does. I'm sure Lisa and Sara do. They all know that I'm kind of a hypochondriac, and also a Google MASTER, which is not a good combination. Let me explain.

Some of you might remember that sometime in August, I developed this crazy, itchy rash all over my hands and my feet. They were just small, flesh colored bumps, that were mostly on my fingers, but I itched EVERYWHERE. It was the worst thing ever, and NOTHING helped. Not antihistamines, not oatmeal baths, not Sarna lotion, not Aveeno, not Benadryl. I slept with bags of ice of my hands and feet every night. It was miserable. People were constantly stopping me on the street to diagnose me, and usually they suggested that it was psoriasis. However, my doctor told me that he was pretty confident that it was either an allergic reaction to something that I came into contact with, or just one of those weird side effects of pregnancy. Basically, when I asked my OB about it, he responded something to the effect of, "Meredith, you are allergic to THE WORLD. Of course you are itching like crazy and have a rash." Anyway, the rash just eventually went away all on its own, and the world was well again.

Until earlier this week, when I noticed the pesky bumps again and knew that the rash was coming back. I immediately put a Band-Aid over the first bump. I don't know why I thought a Band-Aid would help, but I figured that it probably couldn't hurt. And every morning, I would peel off the Band-Aid, and swear up a storm when I saw that there were more bumps than the day before.

So this morning, I did something very stupid. Something that Justin often yells at me for doing (but he wasn't home, so he didn't know to yell at me). I googled it. "Third trimester + hands and feet itch".  And that was a very bad idea.

(Click the "Read More" link below to read the rest of the story)

Things.

It's going to be another one of those weeks where I go over my one-baby-post-a-week policy. Because truthfully, I'm towards the end of things, and I have a lot of baby stuff on my mind that needs to come OUT of my mind because then my mind will calm down. Settle in, 'cause this might be a long one...

Part 1: Exhaustion

Basically, I'm still measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, which means that even though my "due date" puts me at 35 weeks, I really could be more like 37. This, coupled with the pretty consistent contractions and cervical pressure I've been having, resulted in talk of doing an early internal, because there's a chance that I could already be dilated. However, because the contractions aren't falling into a pattern, we elected to wait until next week to do the internal [partially because I was an exhausted emotional wreck yesterday, and I don't know that I could have handled hearing that there was no dilation].

During the exam, the doctor asked how I was. I told him that I am absolutely exhausted, and that I'm only sleeping like 4 hours a night. He said that's pretty common and it's his theory that our bodies are training us for the baby. Which may be true, but it's really hard when you're still working to function on that little sleep, especially when you already feel exhausted from lugging around 35 extra pounds (yes, I'm up to 35 pounds and I'm not very happy about it even though I know it's for a good cause) all day. Anyway, the doctor asked me how I'm tolerating still working. It was an innocent enough question, but I almost bit his head off. Because the answer is that it doesn't matter how I'm tolerating work--I HAVE to keep working. Because if I stop working now, and the baby is born in January for whatever reason, I would have no health insurance, unless I paid the COBRA premium, which there is no way that we could afford.

On one hand, I feel like a baby for thinking that working is so hard. I don't have a physically demanding job. I am just really tired. And I usually rely on sleeping all weekend to prep myself up for the next week. But then I realized that the next three weekends are absolutely jam-packed...and when I realized that, I cried the whole way home from the doctor's office. Don't get me wrong...they're packed with GOOD things. Blessings! Things like birthdays, baby showers, work Christmas parties--things that I wouldn't miss for the world! Things that would make me really, really upset to miss. But it's still a little overwhelming not to see a day in the immediate future just for down-time.

I was thisclose to calling in sick from work today. But unfortunately, I'm one of the only people in the office today, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Part 2: Fears

I am reading Fearless by Max Lucado. He has a specific 8-step plan for helping deal with fear. And one of those steps is to make lists of your fears so that you can better understand what areas of your life cause fear, and to pray about those areas. So here's what's on my worry list lately:

1- Something happening that causes the baby to die, and having to go through the whole labor and delivery process knowing that the baby has already passed away.

2- Me dying during labor/delivery/recovery. I always catch myself trying to teach Justin how to do little things like pay certain bills online or make little meals so that he would be "okay" if that happened. I know, it's pretty morbid.

3- That we won't be able to make my staying home work financially. This is such a hard situation for me because I know without a doubt that I am supposed to be staying home. We've both prayed about it for countless hours, and it's absolutely, crystal clear to me. I remember having an absolutely overwhelming sense of peace when that's what we decided. But the thing is, it doesn't work on paper. I have no idea how it is going to work. NO IDEA. Justin keeps telling me that this is the trusting in God piece, and we keep talking about Genesis 26, when God told Isaac to move his family to Egypt, and even though Isaac was terrified for his family's lives, he obeyed, and was blessed. I get the point, I know that sometimes it isn't up to me to figure out how things are all supposed to work out. I keep finding the song "Lord, I Don't Know" by the Newsboys stuck in my head, which is awfully telling. But it is just really, really, REALLY hard for me to trust in this way. I am a plan person. A list person. I want concrete things, not just a promise that things will be okay. Ugh.

4- That this pregnancy weight will never, ever go away. I know, everyone says that it will. I will believe that when I see it.

Whew. Okay, I think I'm done.

Monday Snippets

• I am eating Grandma's Peach-Almond Pie for breakfast. It is delicious. And PS- it's what I've listed over at NewlyWoodwards for the Dare to DIY challenge of the week, which was cookies/bars/cakes. I'm a rebel and threw in a pie.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• I also plan to try Starbucks' Cream Brulee Latte today. It had better be worth the hype and the giving up of my much-loved Peppermint Mocha.
  
• The nursery is so close to being done that I can almost taste it! I just have to get Justin to re-arrange some of the furniture. He arranged it in what would admittedly be the most functional way, but it just looks funny that way. I may hold off on the big reveal until after my shower on the 19th, because I'm sure there will be more to add then.
• The movie 2012 was better than I expected. It was actually quite good--just loooooong.
  
• For the past couple of weeks, my cat has been shunning me. Seriously, she wouldn't come near me. Over the weekend however, she's been attached to my side and wants to be held 24/7. This freaked me out, because I've now heard from several people that their cats did this right before they went into labor, and I am not ready to go into labor yet!
  
• I was up from 12:30am-1:30am last night. Why? Inexplicably, doing a kick count. Don't ask.
  
• But since you're wondering, I have been having incredible anxiety again lately. It's totally irrational anxiety, usually revolving around our house not being clean. So then I don't sleep, which means that when it comes time to actually clean our house, I'm delirious and exhausted, which means nothing really gets done. Vicious cycle. I want to pick up Max Lucado's new book Fearless. I have a feeling it might help calm me down and conk me out in the middle of the night.
  
• Leg cramp on the couch = Kicking laptop off the couch = Cracked laptop screen. You might recall that it was already cracked. Now it's really cracked. Suck. But my fantastic dad is looking to see if he can find a replacement screen on eBay. Here's hoping.
  
• Our Christmas shopping and December birthday shopping is just about done!