Two days ago, World Vision made news by announcing that they were making a change to their hiring practice in order to allow employment of those who identify themselves as Christian and are in legal same-sex marriages. Previously, the conduct requirement, as I understand it, had simply been abstinence outside of marriage, and fidelity within marriage. In addition, all employees of Word Vision were (and are) required to affirm either their Statement of Faith or the Apostle's Creed as a condition of employment.

In a letter to employees about the change, the board said:

"We are, as our mission statement so clearly expresses,“an international partnership of Christians whose mission is to follow our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in working with the poor and oppressed to promote human transformation, seek justice, and bear witness to the good news of the Kingdom of God.” And it is this mission that unites us—Baptist, Pentecostal, Seventh day Adventist, Lutheran, Episcopalian, Roman Catholic, Presbyterian, Orthodox, nondenominational, etc.--more than 50 different expressions of the Christian faith represented within WVUS alone. In fact, for 60 years the Christian mission of World Vision has been a platform uniting followers of Christ around the world. 

As World Vision employees, we are first and foremost united in our response to Jesus’ call to follow Him and to serve the poor. This unity gives us space to acknowledge a range of views on issues among the Christian churches we attend and the denominations we represent. Those issues include methods of baptism, divorce and remarriage, views on evolution, the role of women in church leadership, and whether birth control is acceptable. At World Vision we hold a strong view of the authority of Scripture in the life of the church and in the lives of each of us as followers of Christ, but we intentionally choose not to require specific beliefs or practice in any of these debated issues as conditions of employment at World Vision U.S. In other words, we don’t have a list of issues on which we mandate agreement as a litmus test for hiring. Instead, we leave these areas under the authority of the various church bodies to which each of us belongs and to the freedom of all of our employees to discern for themselves, fully understanding that there is a range of views within and among our churches."

Indeed, some of the churches affiliated with Word Vision (United Church of Christ, Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Episcopal Church, Presbyterian Church USA) *have* affirmed gay and lesbian marriage, and so to me, this stance seemed consistent with the past statements by World Vision that they are not a theological arm, but an operational arm.

This is not news, right? That World Vision is a partnership between many different denominations within the Christian church, which are comprised of many (sometimes drastically different) beliefs and practices? This has been the case for years, and I believe is partially why other relief organizations that are specific to particular denominations exist. As a Lutheran, I can't expect Word Vision's policies and practices to align completely with LCMS Lutheran doctrine and teachings...because it isn't a Lutheran organization. Neither can Catholics, or Evangelicals, or any other denomination present expect that World Vision will completely and accurately capture their belief system. Rather, the underlying goal of broad faith-based organizations like World Vision, I think, is to encourage and facilitate unity within all denominations of the church.

Back to the story.

After that announcement, Twitter, blogs, Facebook, and all forms of social media were almost immediately flooded with announcements from Christians that they had pulled their support for their sponsored children through World Vision in response to the announcement. Here's just a few excerpts:

SO DISAPPOINTED IN WORLD VISION'S NEW STANCE TO ALLOW HOMOSEXUALS TO WORK THERE. HOMOSEXUALS ARE NOT CHRISTIANS SO YOU ARE VIOLATING YOUR OWN RULE TO HIRE, ONLY THOSE WHO ARE BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS.

  

We will invest our money in other fundamental bible charities. 

God will no longer bless this ministry as long as you continue to compromise with sin and continue to demonize Israel! I implore the leadership to repent!

They are doing the works of Satan now! We can not be apart of this! 

It is with a truly heavy heart that I called and cancelled my sponsorship of three children today. 

I do pray that donations (as mine will) dry up and that God will raise up another organization that has a biblical spine.

You are a disgrace ..... When everything starts to fall apart on you I pray that you will come back to God on your knees ....

This organization accepts gay marriage among their employees. I have therefore cancelled my sponsorship. 

In the meantime, many supporters of the policy shift (including many non-believers, if Facebook is any indication) picked up child sponsorships in order to make up for those that were dropped suddenly.  

And then today, World Vision announced that they had reversed their decision to allow practicing Christians in participating denominations who were engaged in same sex marriages to be employed by the organization. 

This whole situation has left me with a vast range of feelings and emotions. Right now, the strongest is an uncontrollable urge to scream at people that if they were so concerned with the charities that they were supporting aligning with their personal beliefs exactly, THEY SHOULD HAVE RESEARCHED THE ORGANIZATION MORE THOROUGHLY BEFORE MAKING A LONG-TERM SPONSORSHIP COMMITMENT. You are not, by any means, required to support World Vision. But I cannot, for the life of me, understand the sudden outrage about this announcement--World Vision's non-stance when it comes to theological issues is not news. Do your due diligence before making a long-term commitment to an organization for sponsorship, people. If you don't like that World Vision partners with congregations that affirm gay and lesbian marriage...then don't support them, from the beginning. Don't get caught up in stories at rock concerts that pull at your heart strings, pledge your financial support, establish a relationship with a child, and then hold your financial support hostage in an attempt to bend the organization's towards your own specific beliefs, leaving that child inexplicably without the relationship that was promised.

{Was that too harsh? I feel like I may be writing out of frustration here, so I apologize if my words are not as carefully chosen and unifying as I usually attempt to be here}.

It also leaves me with a lot of questions. 

Once a sponsorship commitment has been made, what, if any, are appropriate reasons to retract that commitment? 

Can the photo of one child from a third world country on our fridge simply be replaced with another in the same way that I can change pants? If I decide I don't like what one organization is doing, is it okay for me to just drop that organization and pick another child elsewhere? Is my commitment to the organization, or the child? Or both?

If we're saying that homosexuals cannot be Christians, aren't we also saying that denominations who have affirmed homosexual marriage aren't *really* Christian denominations? 

So then, if we're saying that the Church of Christ, for example, isn't *really* a Christian church, what about heterosexual couples that were married by Church of Christ pastors? Is it *really* a covenant marriage then? 

What of man-woman marriages outside of the church? Say, someone married by the Justice of the Peace. Are those okay even though they didn't take place within a church and may not have had any Biblical basis at all? 

Or, as a few friends and I were discussing just the other day in regards to abortion, if we take the stance that homosexuality is sin, does that mean that everything that is against homosexuality is automatically good? Or that anything that doesn't explicitly condemn homosexuality is automatically bad?

Sigh. I don't have answers, friends. Only frustration and a bit of weariness.

Salt.

My to-do list is a mile long today...I'm sure we're all in the same boat there. Christmas is coming, and I don't know about you, but in order for *this* weary person to rejoice...there's a lot that needs to happen first. It's just the way of the game. There's presents to wrap, clothes to wash, toys to pick up...and about a week's worth of workouts to cram into the next two days. Meanwhile, there's tantruming toddlers, babies who won't sleep, and unexpected errands muddling it all up.

And yet, all day I've felt this tugging. To sit down, stop, and read a minute. I put myself into a mom-timeout after almost losing it with Lizzy earlier, and opened up my Bible. I won't tell you how long it has been since I opened it last, but it's been a long time.

I flipped open to 1 Corinthians, which is ironic because it's not my favorite book of the Bible, and also because a certain Duck Commander has been in the news and on my Facebook page quite a bit lately for his own reference and interpretation of a verse that comes from 1 Corinthians 6. Can I be honest? I'm tired of that conversation.What's on my mind and heart today comes from earlier in 1 Corinthians, and is related to that incident, I suppose, but I have no intention of rehashing it further (whew).

When I opened up to 1 Corinthians, my eyes first went to this verse:

"But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man, do not even eat." (1 Corinthians 5:11)

Now, I don't know about you, but I've seen, on more than one occasion, this verse used as a weapon. As a sword to pierce through gays and lesbians, addicts, and women heading to the abortion clinic. I've seen it be used as a way to separate...to draw a line in the sand between US and THEM. A way to justify not cultivating relationships with those who we determine are "ungodly".

I think we forget sometimes that in Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he is writing to members of the Christian church in Corinth. So when he talks about sexual immorality, drunkenness, idolatry-- he's writing to believers. He's not talking about 'those bad folk over there that we need to fix and show Jesus.' He's talking about US.

"What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside." (1 Corinthians 5:12-13)

In the very next breath, Paul goes on to explicitly tell the believers in Corinth to stop worrying about everyone else, and start worrying about themselves. What business is it of mine to judge the behavior of those who do not identify themselves as Christian? It's none of my business. None at all.

Lately, one of the things that we've been working on with Lizzy is appropriate roles. So, for example, at school, it is her job to make sure that she is following the classroom rules. It is NOT her job to make sure that the other kids are following the classroom rules--that's her teacher's job. 

The way I see it, it's just like that when it comes to the Christian faith. It's my job to do the best that I can to abide by the guidelines of our faith (not because I have to in order to go to heaven, but because I want to). I am NOT called to worry about the actions or behavior of those who don't identify themselves as Christians. I'm called to let God handle it. And that's the part that I think we forget sometimes.

"Be wise in the way that you act towards [unbelievers]; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:5-6) 

Can we talk about salt for a minute? What is salt (other than very tasty)? It's a preservative. Back in the pioneer days, salt was a way to make food last for a very long time without refrigeration. I just think that's really interesting--our words towards unbelievers are to be full of grace, and to act as a preservative. To preserve the relationship rather than destroy it. 

To love and care for one another, always.

(Merry Christmas, friends!)

These Girls

Over the past year, Justin has had night class for his apprenticeship once a week. Usually, he heads straight there from work, and then gets home sometime between 9-10pm. It makes for a loooonnnggggg night for both of us. I don't know why, but doing the whole dinner/bath/bed routine solo is infinitely more difficult than doing the day-to-day stuff. Anyway. Last week was his last class until the fall! I was trying to keep my sanity last week, so I took the girls out to the front yard and for a quick little walk around the corner to take some photos.

Because while this is a hard, sleepless, time peppered with some serious separation anxiety for Becca (just for good measure), it's also a sweet time with these girls--Becca's personality is really starting to show, and she is really pretty hilarious. Lizzy is still getting used to the dynamic of having to share time with Becca,  and three may be the most dramatic age to date, but she's also full of such straight-up belly-laughing FUN.

And these girls together? They kind of blow me away. They love each other so much, and I hope that never changes. My sister and I never got along growing up. In fact, we're really just starting to get along now. I was nervous to have two girls, because for me, that whole "SISTERS ARE BFFS FOREVER" thing never happened. I find myself kind of holding my breath with Lizzy and Becca. Because Becca just lights up whenever she sees Lizzy. And Lizzy is generally so sweet with Becca. But I also see, sometimes, those tinges of jealousy. On occasion, I see Lizzy trying to knock Becca over when she doesn't realize I'm watching. I see Becca get irritated with the never stopping, never ceasing kisses and hugs and slobbery kisses from Lizzy. Time will tell, I guess. And until then, I hold my breath and hope for the best.

Today

 Today, I am {thankful} that this girl slept from midnight to 4am last night. 

I'm pretty sure my love language is now sleep.

I am {excited} to try and get back into the routine of cooking dinner again. Since Becca was born, we've eaten out a TON, or if we have eaten at home, it's tended to be things like canned soup, or frozen stuff. In the past couple of weeks, we've had a couple EXCELLENT home cooked meals, like grilled chicken tacos and the red wine braised short ribs you see above. I'm ready to ease back into the routine of cooking at home, even if it means we don't eat until 8pm because I had to wait for Justin to get home to start cooking.

I am {frustrated} that we haven't been able to visit a friend who is recuperating from major surgery. I feel like any time we're prepared to go, one of us is suddenly sniffling or not feeling well, and I just do NOT want to give her those germs! I wanted to try and visit her this morning, but Lizzy woke up saying, "I have the snorts again." In other words, her nose is running and she has the sniffles.

I am {loving} starting my mornings with a little whipped cream and peppermint sprinkles on my coffee. Makes getting up just a little bit easier, you know? 

I am {longing} for our house to be clean and all the Christmas decor to be down. We seriously NEED to clean this week in preparation for Lizzy's birthday party this Sunday. Justin and I are seriously talking about devoting $10 or $20 to the task and assigning dollar amounts to all the chores that we both hate to do--whoever does them first gets the cash. It would just be kind of a fun competition to get the house clean and have a little extra "fun money" to boot. 

I am {missing} this guy, who is back at work today. 

So thankful for the few extra days he had off these past few weeks.

I am {nervous} about my dermatologist appointment tomorrow. It's just a follow-up, not for anything specific, and I am praying hardcore that she finds nothing she wants to remove. 

All the Small Things

I know, I've been a bad blogger. I'm sorry. I'm just absolutely stinking exhausted, and who really wants to read about a pregnant lady complaining about how tired she is?

But I am. Between organizing the Harvest Fest at church with my sisters-in-law this past weekend (from which I am STILL physically sore), about 3 photo shoots in the span of a week (two left to go!), getting up early with a toddler who does.not.sleep (while Justin somehow ends up sleeping in nearly every weekend morning), and then just being 36 weeks pregnant and getting up almost once an hour at night...I'm just tired. And a little grumpy today.

And I feel frumpy. I want a haircut. And normal clothes. And a date night. And a steak dinner (seriously, I've been craving a good steak, sweet potato, and Roadhouse-style roll for weeks!) . And as bad as I feel for saying this, I kinda want it to rain today so that I can reschedule this afternoon's photo shoot and just sleep (not really, because it's not exactly a session that can be rescheduled, but a nap just sounds good in theory). And there is SO MUCH TO DO, and the fact that at my OB appointment on Monday I was already dilated, has reminded me that there is NOT MUCH TIME TO DO EVERYTHING I WANT TO GET DONE...even if this kiddo doesn't come for another 4 weeks.

See? No one really wants to read about that. It's obnoxious. Because really? Small things. All totally small in the grand scheme of things. And I absolutely know that, because there are great, awesome blessing things going on too...like a friend who gets to meet her baby today. Or, the fact that tonight after my photo shoot, we get to curl up on the couch and watch the episode of Bones that we recorded from Monday. Or, that even though Lizzy was up early this morning, she's been sitting on the couch snuggling and holding my feet while watching Imagination Movers (which has just about replaced Dora in this household lately) all while holding a baby doll and occasionally patting my belly. Or that yesterday, I got to have coffee and doughnuts with Kaitlin while our kiddos played surprisingly well together. Or the fact that we're being thrown a baby shower at church on Saturday (around here, showers are more like what a lot of y'all call "sprinkles" with lots of blankets and clothes, and are totally common for every kiddo), which is a tremendous blessing in and of itself!

Life is good, truly. I know that in my bones.

But also, right now? My bones are a little tired, ha!

Monday Musings

{one} 

So, I only have one pair of maternity jeans. They're actually a pair that I bought AFTER Lizzy was born, in a size smaller than I wore during my pregnancy with her to help bridge the gap while I still didn't fit into normal jeans. Anyway, they've fit this whole pregnancy, so they're what I've been wearing...but they're just starting to feel a little small and uncomfortable. But who wants to buy MORE maternity clothes at almost 34 weeks? With a clothing budget as nonexistent small as mine, I certainly don't.

Anyway, I was complaining to Justin about this on Sunday morning during my 'I don't have anything church appropriate to wear' rant, Justin responded, "Why don't you just buy a couple pairs of leggings to wear under dresses and with longer shirts and stuff?" It seriously cracked me up that J was advocating the whole leggings-as-pants thing....but sold.

{two}

I've not done a single bit of fall decorating this year...it is still in the 70's and 80's around here, so it doesn't really feel like fall yet. That said, I'm starting to really get antsy for mums, and yarn wreaths, and cozy warm blankets tossed over the couch. I feel a little conflicted about doing it--I've always had a hard time spending money on things like decor because they feel kind of frivilous to me when we're on a tight budget, like we always are. But on the other hand, even $20 on mums and a wreath form goes a long way towards making a house feel like a home...and surely we can find that somewhere in the budget.

{three} 

So, Justin's brother Ryan is turning 30 this month. The boys decided that to celebrate, they wanted to do this burger challenge that a local restaurant has--basically, you have to eat 5.5 pounds of food and a drink in 45 minutes. The time limit used to be 35 minutes, but no one had been able to complete it, so they bumped it to 45 minutes. Only one guy has ever completed it. So, the boys went on Saturday...and if you've ever wondered what 5.5 pounds of food looks like, this is it:

{I didn't go to watch, but I think the breakdown went like this: two pounds of burger, 1 pound of bacon, 1/2 pound of cheddar cheese, tomato,pickles,onion and lettuce, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup served on a grilled 10 inch sesame seed bun along with 1 and 1/2 pounds of fries. Plus a drink}

Justin had been telling me for months that he could eat it no sweat...and while I'm pretty confident that I've seen him eat that much food before, he couldn't do it on Saturday. The only one that completed the challenge was Ryan...he ate it all, and in 34 minutes...which means that he now holds the record. Which means that I'm 100% sure that Justin is going to want to try and beat it someday ;) 

{four}

So, I did end up calling my doctor about the vision stuff that I mentioned in my last pregnancy post. He decided that he wanted me to go in for an EKG, blood work, and a few other tests, and so that's how I spent my Thursday afternoon. They said that everything came back normal, except that my thyroid was a little borderline, so they'll re-test it this week and then go from there. Basically though, it just sounds like vision issues and being kind of dizzy are par for the course for me when I'm pregnant. What can ya do? 

{five} 

Lizzy has been getting up ridiculously early for the past week or so. Like 4am early. And I'm just not comfortable with her running around all through the house at 4am while we're sleeping. Sometimes, she'll crawl into bed with us, which doesn't phase Justin at all, but totally wakes me up, especially since she doesn't usually ever go back to sleep. I keep looking at those toddler alarm clocks you can buy that change colors when it's okay for the kid to get up and out of bed--does anyone have one? I'm not sure whether or not Lizzy would actually stay in her room until the clock changed colors, but I feel like it might be worth a shot!

Catching up.

{one} 

We made some serious progress in deep cleaning the house this weekend, which is awesome and amazing, because the next FOUR Saturdays are booked up...which is crazy and surreal. We still have a huge amount to do pre-baby, but getting a good check of the general deep-cleaning out of the way is a huge relief. And it's kind of nice that I could actually invite people over to our house again--it really was so bad, that it was out of the question!

{two}

I have a dermatologist appointment this morning, I think to check on how the place where I had stitches on my stomach is holding up, and also to monitor a mole. Even though I don't think it's going to be a big deal, I have a hard time not getting super anxious any time I have a dermatologist appointment. I freaked most of the night last night about the appointment.

{three} 

I did some housekeeping to the blog over the weekend--I cleaned up the sidebar a bit, and also revamped the pages in the header. Now, you can find all baby and infant related posts itemized in one central location, and also a master list of all book reviews. I'm also trying something new and opening up a limited number of sidebar ads via Passionfruit-- check it out if you're so inclined (and I promise you won't hear much more from me on the subject).

{four}

We went to a wedding over the weekend for a young couple that used to help with childcare for Mom's Group. Justin and I were cracking up because both the father/daughter dance and the mother/son dance were the exact same songs we used for our wedding. I don't think I've heard them at ANY wedding since then, so it was pretty funny to hear both in one wedding. We kept joking that we guessed we were supposed to be remembering our wedding that day ;)

{five}

I get to start Beth Moore's study of James with some of the ladies from Mom's Group this week, and I am so excited. SO. EXCITED. I have absolutely zero doubt that it'll be really good for me to really dig in to the Word in these last few weeks before having a baby...because I don't know about anyone else, but it is so easy for me to fall out of the habit of daily quiet time, and when I do, nothing good comes of it. Also? Totally crazy to think that I most likely won't finish the study with the group because I'll be off having a baby.

{six}

Last night, I had a conversation with Lizzy about dinner that went like this:
Me: Lizzy, would you like a cheeseburger for dinner?
Lizzy: No mom!! I want a hang-a-burger with cheese, please.

If I would have told her that a hang-a-burger with cheese is the same thing as a cheeseburger, it would have resulted in a 37 minute tantrum. Sometimes, it's just easier to call it a hang-a-burger with cheese.

{seven} 

I'm in a book slump. I haven't picked up a book that I was really, really excited about reading in too long. This is compounded by the fact that what I read before bed has recently been directly influencing some absolutely crazy pregnancy dreams, so I'm trying to limit myself to happy, inspirational fluff. But yeah...not excited about anything I've read lately. Any suggestions?

Thinking About Having A Baby...Again

So I've been thinking a little a lot lately about doing the whole labor and delivery thing again. Just like before, it's something that I have a little bit of anxiety about...I feel like there's just so many scary things that can happen and so much that can go wrong (seriously, we watched What to Expect When You're Expecting the other night, and one of the delivery scenes had me up almost all night freaking out and worrying). It's a situation where I really have very little control, and I like to be in control.

Anyway, I've been reflecting on what labor and delivery were like for me with Lizzy...I wrote about it shortly after she was born, but in having a couple years to think about it and read about a gazillion other birth stories, I think I have a slightly different take on things now than I did then...and some of it I just want to get out of my brain and down on paper.

First, here's a summary of how things went with Lizzy:
My water broke about 4am on a Sunday morning. I got in the shower almost right away, and noticed that my contractions were coming really fast and furious. I'd have contractions that were about 3 minutes long, then a thirty seconds in between, and then another 3 minute contraction...so we headed to the hospital basically right away.

We got to the hospital at about 5am. I was dilated to 4cm, and was super discouraged, because I'd been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks (I think!). I felt like I hadn't been able to catch my breath since we had left home, and the contractions just kept coming and coming with no break, and I was getting hysterical. I was lucky to get 15-20 seconds in between each 2 or 3 minute contraction. In retrospect, if you look up the textbook definitions of transitional labor, that was exactly how I felt from the time my water broke up until this point...which is weird, because if I were only dilated to a 4, I wouldn't be in transition yet. Anyway, I asked for an epidural.

The anesthesiologist came around 6:30am. After he gave me the epidural, I mostly felt better, but almost as soon as he administered it, I couldn't stop shaking uncontrollably. Justin kept giving me blankets, and I kept telling him that I was NOT cold, I just couldn't stop shaking. Sometime shortly after that, shift change happened, and I had a new nurse, who Justin really liked and I really did not. I kept telling her that I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought I needed to be checked. She kept telling me, "Oh honey, it's your first baby, you're going to be here for a very long time." She also kept telling me to eat something, and that Justin needed to take a nap...neither of which I thought were good ideas, and totally ignored her when she brought me some food.

Sometime between 8am and 9am, I finally convinced the nurse to check me...and I was dilated to a 10. I remember commenting that I was starting to feel a lot of pain again, and her responding something about how my IV had gotten bumped and I'd been given way too much fluid. Something like 5 bags since I'd been there.

I sort of remember a doctor  (not mine) coming in, and I remember being given the okay to push. Justin and my mom kept asking if I was okay because I was basically silent the whole time (in my own world, I guess). I remember not being sure if I was pushing the right way, and also Justin telling me that I actually needed to inhale in between pushes. I remember being in quite a bit of pain, and being surprised about it--doctors have always told me that I have a very high pain tolerance, and everyone had told me that with an epidural, I should expect pressure, but not pain. But I felt PAIN, and remember wondering if there was a problem with the epidural, but being told that if there was, it was too late to do anything about.

And then, at 10:25am, she was born. 6 hours and 25 minutes after my water broke. I needed a few stitches, and I totally and VIVIDLY remember feeling those. I remember wincing and saying "Ow! Ow! I can feel that!", and the doctor saying that I shouldn't be able to feel that, and that he'd hurry up.

I think I was up and walking around by noon or shortly thereafter. I'd heard horror stories from people about how long it took them to feel their legs again after an epidural, and I was surprised that I could totally feel mine pretty quickly afterwards. That said, recovery was awful. I was in a lot of pain for weeks. I was SO SO SO swollen, everywhere (apparently due to the incident with being given too much fluid). I remember feeling like everything hurt all the time, and wondering why no one had told me how awful the recovery was. Looking back, I really don't remember much of the first week, other than it was terrible and I was miserable.

So. That's that. Now, given some time...here's what I've been wondering: 
I remember that in the week before my water broke, we had almost gone to the hospital 3 or 4 times. I'd been having steady contractions, but they just never got any closer together. Looking back, I wonder if I'd been in early labor for a day (or two even) before my water broke, and just didn't fully realize it. I've been a little stressed about the fact that they say labor is shorter with each subsequent baby...and if labor is much shorter than it was with Lizzy, I'm worried about getting to the hospital in time! So, thinking that I'd been in early labor makes me feel a little better, for some reason.

I also wonder whether or not the epidural actually worked for me...or how long it worked for? I think it worked initially, and may have allowed me to relax and fully dilate. But then after that point, I'm not sure that it worked for much longer, and I have no idea whether that was due to the amount of fluids I'd been given, or something else. But I really don't KNOW for sure whether it was working or not...I have nothing to compare it to. I've wondered since shortly after Lizzy was born whether not getting an epidural would have made a difference in how I felt postpartum...if I'd have had an easier recovery if I hadn't gotten one. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if knowing then that I'd only have another couple hours in labor, if I couldn't have gone without it. I think I freaked out initially hearing I was only dilated to a 4, and thinking that I'd have another 20+ hours in labor and that I couldn't handle contractions like that for another 20+ hours. But 2 or 3 hours? I wonder if knowing that it was only like 2-3 more hours would have felt more do-able. Then, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like the reason I dilated to a 10 so quickly was because the epidural allowed me to finally relax. Or maybe that first time I was checked, I was measured incorrectly, and I really was starting to approach transition, like I felt. I just don't know...

I find myself going back and forth between thinking that I should really try to go without an epidural this time...but then again, who knows whether labor this time will be anything like it was with Lizzy? It COULD be 20 hours for all I know. I could not get the epidural only to be miserable and have problems progressing because I can't relax. Or, I could not get the epidural, and find that it really makes all the difference in terms of recovery. Or, I could get an epidural, and find that it's a completely different experience than last time, for better or for worse. I have no idea.

Feel free to chime in y'all...because I'm really feeling torn. Did anybody have an epidural with one kiddo and not with another? What was that difference like for you?

BQOTD: Kids & Money

So in the comments of yesterday's post, Katie brought up a great point about kids and money--that teaching younger kids about money and budgeting can be tricky, and I think that sometimes, if not done the right way, it can really stress kids out more than make them understand the basics of budgeting and living within our means, which is hopefully the goal. And I thought her comment was right on--it's a fine line to walk!

And then, there was that anonymous comment, which was just really so absurd I don't even have words to address it or the energy to be upset about it. But once again, it got me thinking about kids and money...and I think there are probably a lot of different approaches that families take when it comes to talking and teaching their kids about money, and I'd like to talk some more about it.

I had one friend who, even in high school, was required to save a certain percentage of her paycheck, to give a certain percentage of her paycheck to charity, and then could only spend what was left. I had some friends who received allowances, and some friends who didn't. Some who were expected to pay for their car insurance and some who weren't. Some who basically paid for everything once they started working, and some whose jobs were really just for "fun money."

Anyway, my point is that there are LOTS of different approaches to teaching kids about money and budgeting...and I'm sure those approaches also vary based on the ages of the kiddos. I'm curious if you all have thought about what approach you'll take with your kids (real kids or hypothetical!). So, today's burning question of the day is:

How do you plan to teach your kids about money and budgeting from birth to 5th grade?

Pause

 

Tomorrow, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant. And possibly for the first time EVER in my life, I'm anxious for fall. For infinity scarves that I haven't yet knit. For boots that I don't (yet) have, and skinny jeans that I probably won't wear. But most of all, meeting this sweet baby girl for the first time. This fall, there's excitement in the air.

I keep having to remind myself to slow down and remember how much I love summer. How even though our calendar is booking up quickly, we have GOT to make room for at least one or two more trips up to the lake before fall really arrives...because come November, even with all the good things that it will bring, I'm going to miss this. 

I'll miss the splash of the water on my face and the wind in my hair as we float on the water. I'll miss the rocking of the boat with the gentle waves that feels so right to me--like I'm home and can finally relax all the way. I'll miss watching Lizzy's silly grin as she falls asleep on the boat, and her being so concerned when Justin falls wakeboarding (no matter how many times we reassure her that he's having fun and that mom loves to do it too). I'll miss the warm days that yield to the early evenings just chilly enough for yoga pants and a sweatshirt. I'll miss it all. 

Exciting things are coming...but I also can't forget that in a few months, these WILL be the exciting things that I'm so desperately looking forward to when summer finally rolls around again. So, with all the "to-do-before-baby" lists and stress that there are only five Saturdays that haven't yet been booked between now and my due date...I've got to find a way to make as much time for the now as I'm making for the future. We've got to make time for this.

5 Random Things

1. Last night, I had a bad night. I was trying to finish the recipe for homemade marinara for dinner, and followed the instructions to blend it all. Only, I learned the hard way that hot liquids in the blender = no bueno. Hot marinara exploded EVERYWHERE. All over me (so now I've got burns on my arms). All over the cabinets. It's probably even on the ceiling. I was so irritated, and definitely did NOT want pasta with marinara anymore. But of course, it's the last stretch until payday (J gets paid once a month, on the last day of the month) and we're trying to be good about sticking to the budget, so it wasn't as simple as just ordering a pizza. Luckily, Justin made grilled cheese. But seriously, it was a bad night.

2. My spiffy new phone came with a free trial of voicemail-to-text. Only, it is so terribly (hilariously) bad that I'm not sure why anyone would ever pay for it! Here's just a few examples:

 My sister left a voicemail saying, "Hey Mere, it's your sister. Call me back!". 

This is what voicemail-to-text came up with:

My sister-in-law Kelsey left a voicemail asking her if we'd already picked the songs for that Sunday's worship service, and if we had, she was wondering if I could email them to her: 

Justin left a voicemail earlier this month asking what kind of ice cream I'd like:

Really...I'd almost rather let things go to voicemail now just to see what kind of crazy thing my voicemail-to-text is going to come up with next!

3. I feel like Lizzy has grown a whole bunch all of a sudden. On Sunday morning, she woke up screaming, and had a really hard day the rest of the day. We were like 'WHAT IS GOING ON?!' But since then, I've noticed that when we're out and about, suddenly she can reach the sinks in public bathrooms. She can get her own water from the faucet on the fridge. And her little bum is hanging out the bottom of her 3T shorts! Luckily, we have a few 4T pairs, and summer is almost over!

4. They found West Nile Virus in Southern Oregon. Of course, they announced it when I was COVERED with bites, and had been just down the road from where the infected mosquitoes were found. So, I pretty much spent the next few days convinced that I was going to be hospitalized with West Nile Virus...because if it was going to happen to anyone, it was going to happen to me. Really, the only advice they've given was to not be out around dusk...so my knee jerk reaction was to say that I'm not going to Justin's baseball games anymore at all, EVER. But, it's probably much more reasonable to just pack my Avon Skin So Soft and slather myself up (and maybe bring a long sleeve/pants to change into). I'm trying to be reasonable and not a hypochondriac here! 

5. Has anybody out there tried any of the drugstore BB creams? I'm not a big makeup person, but I think I'd like to try one, because it sounds like they're a little more coverage than a tinted moisturizer, but a little less coverage (and effort, ha!) than foundation, powder, etc. I'm leaning towards the L'Oreal one because it doesn't have sunscreen in it (sunscreens tend to give me a chemical burn, though it sounds like the amount of sunscreen in the Maybelline one is minimal at best). Anyway, I'd love to hear from you if you've tried them!

What the Heck Do Lutherans Believe Anyway?

I've talked about my feelings on unity in the church on this blog before, but to make a long story short, I believe that the Christian community is called to facilitate unity within itself. In that vein, it's imperative that we start with communication and dialogue, because there ARE doctrinal differences across the different branches of Christianity. And that's okay, because (as a general rule), the differences don't negate the core of our faith. We're called to unity anyway...and I don't think it's in spite of those differences, but because of them. This post, which is hopefully the first in a series, comes with the motivation of facilitating unity in Christ by potentially dispelling any myths and misunderstandings, as well as by creating an opportunity for dialogue.

So, a few weeks ago, I was talking with a few of my friends, and one of them asked 'What are the Sunday services like at your church?' I started to rattle off words like "Creeds" and "Confession and Absolution", but as we talked more, I realized that the church she attends doesn't traditionally speak the creeds or do confession and absolution in the same way that the Lutheran church does, and so she had no idea what I was talking about. I thought that today I'd just lay out a sample service from our church as a starting point in talking about what Lutherans believe:

We Prepare Our Hearts
Opening Hymn: It is You (Newsboys)

Invocation
Pastor: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Congregation: Amen

We Confess Our Sin
Pastor: As we prepare our hearts and minds for worship, let us first confess our sins and be assured of His everlasting promise to forgive. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
Congregation: But if we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Pastor: Let us confess our sins to God our heavenly Father.
Congregation: Most merciful God, we confess that we are by nature sinful and unclean. We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We justly deserve your present and eternal punishment. For the sake of your Son, Jesus Christ, have mercy on us. Forgive us, renew us, and lead us so that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways to the glory of your holy name. Amen. 
Pastor: In the mercy of Almighty God, Jesus Christ was given to die for us, and for his sake, God forgives us all our sins. To those who believe in Jesus Christ, he gives the power to become the children of God and bestows on them the Holy Spirit. May the Lord, who has begun this good work in us bring it to completion in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Congregation: Amen. 

Hymn of Praise: Children of God (Third Day)

Introit {this changes every Sunday, but is a piece of scripture spoken collectively, often from Psalms}

Kyrie
P: In peace, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For the peace from above and for our salvation, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For the peace of the whole world, for the well being of the Church of God, and for the unity of all, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy. 

P: For this holy house and for all who offer here their worship and praise, let us pray to the Lord.
C: Lord, have mercy.

P: Help, save, comfort, and defend us gracious Lord.
C: Amen. 

P: The Lord be with you.
C: And also with you.

Collect {This is a short prayer, often spoken collectively}

The Word of God is Read
Children's Lesson {then kids under 6 are excused for nursery}
First Reading/Old Testament Reading
Epistle Reading
Pre-Gospel/Alleluia Verse:Ancient Words (Michael W. Smith)
Gospel Reading

Sermon {related to one of the assigned scripture readings for this Sunday}
Sermon Hymn: The Heart of Worship (Matt Redman)

The Apostle's Creed
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. From thence he will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen. 

(Note: You may recognize these words from the songs sung by Rich Mullins, Brandon Heath, and Third Day. I LOVE Third Day's version of The Creed and highly suggest it. Some churches may say the Nicene Creed instead. The church that I grew up at often said this Affirmation of Faith instead, which I still love.)

Offering & Offering Song: 10,000 Reasons/Bless the Lord {Matt Redman)

Prayers for All People & The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

The Benediction
Pastor: The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious unto you. The Lord look upon you with favor and give you His peace.
Congregation: Amen

Sending Hymn: Hold Us Together (Matt Maher)

.......................................................

Also, I think it probably goes without saying that "Lutheran" is an extremely broad term. There are ELCA Lutherans, LCMS Lutherans, Wisconsin Evangelical Lutherans, and probably even more kinds that I'm not aware of. Even within one of those groups of Lutherans, the way that church services are held will vary greatly. Some will follow the very traditional order or service, and some will follow a much more contemporary one. The church that we attend is an LCMS church, and utilizes what's called a revolving liturgy, which means that each Sunday is a different style of service ranging from traditional (sometimes even with the organ and all), to contemporary, as well as a mix thereof. This particular Sunday would be an example of the contemporary liturgy.

Whew. So there you have it. If there happen to be any other Lutherans out there reading, how does this compare to what you experience at church? For everyone else, does Sunday Service at the Lutheran church look like you imagined it would? Do you have any questions?

Since you last saw me....

-I've done approximately 20 loads of laundry (yet somehow it still isn't done).

-I've sorted all the clothes in my closet into "newly postpartum" and "pre-pregnancy size" totes, and put them away for the rest of this pregnancy. And cried looking at the size of jeans I wore shortly after Lizzy was born. I really hope I never have to wear them this time.

-I've spent approximately one hour waiting in the 108 degree heat in our non-air conditioned car. Then, I spent approximately three hours watching baseball and wrangling a kiddo in the same 108 degree heat. Happily, Justin's team beat the best team in the league last night, which was particularly gratifying as the manager of the other team kept throwing the bat, swearing, and straight-up trying to cheat. Oh, and did I mention he's the coach of one of the local high school teams? He's clearly an awesome role model. I wish I would have video taped him and sent it to the school district. It was SO gratifying that his team lost.

-I've researched, arranged, and planned to have our internet switched over to a new provider. Hopefully, they're installing tomorrow. We've had Clearwire for years and hated them, but for some reason, it always felt like more of a hassle to switch.

-I've averaged getting to actually speak to my husband for about 10 minutes a night for the past two weeks...he's been leaving for work at about 6am every morning, working out of town with no cell service, and getting back sometime between 6pm and 8pm, though I never really know exactly when. And if he does get home earlier, he usually has baseball. Or there's something, and we're still not home. I'm feeling beyond done with this arrangement. So is our kiddo.

-I've gotten a call from the refinance lady that the USDA's refinance program that they just announced (and we were planning to use) is almost out of funds already. We'd been planning to close in November, but she wants to close ASAP instead. So, I've been spending time trying to figure out whether or not we can make things happen sooner than we planned. Right now, it doesn't feel worth the effort, honestly.

-I've spent lots of time snuggling my sweet girl. She and I both aren't feeling great--there's a few fires going on in Southern Oregon, and the level of smoke in the air is unreal. I think the runny noses and sore throats on both our ends are probably mostly attributed to that.

-I have spent almost an hour on the phone with our insurance, trying to figure out this breast pump business. Apparently, a new law went into effect in August that breastpumps are covered, period. BUT naturally, it isn't that simple for us...and we don't actually get to benefit from that law until January when our plan renews. So, instead, I'm trying to figure out which pump to buy with their old policy, which is that we pay out of pocket and they reimburse 70% up to $200. I'm looking at the Medela Pump In Style Advanced, the Phillips Avent Twin Electric, and the Ameda Purely Yours Double Pump. So if you have any of those and would like to weigh in (good or bad), I'd love that!

-I've spent approximately 3 hours shooting photos, and another 3 hours learning (trying to learn) Lightroom, which has been a lot of fun!

Basically, things have been busy, but not with anything particularly interesting to write about...so I apologize for my lack of posts lately! Hope everyone is having a fantastic summer!

Snippets

-It's my birthday, whoop whoop! I really have no plans aside from pizza with the family later tonight (which I am crossing my fingers that Justin is able to attend), and getting my free birthday coffee from the local coffee place. No matter what, it's going to be a good day...or at least better than last year's no-good awful birthday where we all had the stomach flu!

-We've been busy lately. In the last week, Justin rarely got home from work before 7pm. If he did, he had baseball. And on top of that, in the last week we also squeezed in a memorial service, my brother's birthday, some swimming, some beer brewing, a newborn photo session, some blueberry picking, and lots more. I'm a little tired just thinking about it!

{Lizzy and I blueberry picking}

 {I have no idea how this last photo horizontally flipped itself in my phone, but it did. I have no idea how long I walked around yesterday with two pairs of glasses on my head before I noticed.}

-Yesterday, after picking up a few things at Wal-Mart, I had the weirdest thing happen. As we were checking out, Lizzy told me that she had to go potty. We've been dealing with a major potty training regression with her since her cousin Lyla was born, so this was HUGE that she told me she needed to go. Awesome, and huge. Only? Wal-Mart told me that I was not allowed to take the cart full of things I'd just purchased into the bathroom. I get not taking unpaid merchandise in, but the stuff I'd just bought? What was I supposed to do with it? I'm sorry, but it's a terrible idea to leave a cart full of stuff I'd just paid for sitting unattended outside the bathroom where anyone could walk off with it. Luckily, we made it down the road to church for a pit stop, but honestly I was kind of hoping she'd pee on the the Wal-Mart floor.

- Justin and I still haven't actually sat down and had a names discussion about Baby #2. BUT, I think we are getting the impression that we are supposed to name her Rebecca? The weirdest thing happened this past week-- I had two separate dreams wherein I had a newborn named Rebecca. I hadn't told Justin about them yet....when the morning after the second dream I heard Justin accidentally call our daughter Rebecca instead of Lizzy. It was kind of bizarre! The only thing is that Justin's family was friends with another family in Washington that has both an Elizabeth and a Rebecca. Even though they're not a family we interact with all that frequently anymore....that would be a little weird. Also, there's an Elizabeth and a Rebecca (who are related) in my Mom's Group! How funny is that?! Either way, I don't think Rebecca was really on either of our "lists", but it just keeps popping up, ha!

For Steve

This past weekend, on the hottest day of the summer so far, my family piled into the middle school gymnasium to celebrate the life of my basketball coach of 8ish years, Steve. The gym was packed, which probably isn't that far out of the norm for anyone who coached for as long as Steve did. But Steve...he was anything but the norm.

Steve worked as a recruiter and basketball coach for years at colleges like Cal Poly and Cornell. In 1982, when his youngest daughter was a baby, he was told that he had a brain tumor and needed surgery immediately. During that surgery, he was apparently left too long without oxygen by the anesthesiologist, and remained in a coma for several weeks after the surgery. When he woke up, he had to re-learn how to speak, and basically re-learn how to do everything. Although he made amazing strides, he only regained use of his left arm, and still struggled with speech. His wife, Joyce, was told to put him in a nursing home and move on with life. She said no. And instead, they moved on with a new sort of life, together. To make a long story short, sometime in the 90's Steve began coaching his daughters in basketball and softball. Shortly thereafter, he established an AAU Girl's Basketball Club in our city.

I remember playing 4th grade YMCA basketball. I was 5'9" in 4th grade, so I was only inches away from the lowered hoop we played on, but also had no athletic ability whatsoever. I was super uncoordinated, and often fell for no reason at all (years later, Steve would joke that I was tripping over the lines on the floor). So, I think we were all surprised when my dad got this phone call from a man with extremely slurred speech who said, "Mike. I want your daughter." Once he explained that he wanted me on his tournament basketball team, between that and hearing Steve speak for the first time, I'm pretty sure that my dad thought it was a practical joke...but it wasn't, with Steve saying that he figured he could teach everything about basketball, except for being tall. And I was tall.

And he did teach me everything. He literally brought in a track to teach me how to run (sort of). He taught me the fun-DA-mentals (as he would say) of pass, dribble, shoot. He bought me my first pair of basketball shoes. He couldn't physically show us the game, but he brought in people who could, and the older girls showed the younger ones what to do and helped translate what he was saying until we could understand 'Steve-speak' for ourselves. From 4th grade on, basketball became my life, six days a week, year-round.

We played a lot, often with tournaments every weekend. Steve coached from his wheelchair parked at the corner of the court, using a headset and speaker box to call out plays, subs, and to often tell me to "USE! YOUR! LEGS! MEREDITH!" He taught us to give back by encouraging us to coach YMCA teams of younger kids or acting as referee when the younger girls had scrimmages.

My dad used to help fix things for Steve when they broke down--his wheelchair van, his speaker box, his motorized wheelchair, etc. So, I probably saw more often than most how often things went wrong for Steve, and I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been...but I never heard him complain. What I saw instead was his hilariously wicked sense of humor. For example, after a bout with Bell's Palsy once, he used to like to scare the bejeezus out of everyone by randomly pretending that he had it again. His daughter Meagan (who I have been thrilled to reconnect with via Mom's Group) told a story at his memorial service about him managing to escape from the van once while she quickly ran into Costco (after she'd asked him to wait in the van because she'd be right back), and wheeling behind her begging for sweets that he wasn't supposed to eat as a diabetic, and then loudly exclaiming, "I don't understand why you have to be so mean to a cripple!" and "Why won't you wait for me?!" to the horror of everyone else in Costco at the time, and to his delight. That was Steve. To say he had a bit of a mischievous streak may be the understatement of the century!

Faith, family, and school were important to Steve, and they always came first--no one was ever penalized for missing a game or practice for church or any other family reason. If you were doing badly in school, you didn't play. Steve knew everyone's parents, always, and had all their phone numbers memorized.

Looking back at newspaper articles about Steve, they are peppered with quotes like, "I'm probably a better teacher now... the chair will give you patience. And, of course, the Lord gives you what you need," and "I'd rather be in this chair, knowing Jesus and going to Heaven than bip bopping around like I used to and going straight to Hell." But unlike other coaches I've had throughout the years, I don't think he made any of the girls who weren't Christian feel uncomfortable either--he never demanded that we pray before games like others did. I remember knowing that his faith was important to him, but I also remember that his faith was separate from the game. In retrospect, he lived his life of faith as a lighthouse--making a sound only occasionally, but shining through his actions daily.

Shortly before Steve died, a Facebook page was created to keep everyone updated as he was in hospice. And literally hundreds of girls--many of whom I knew and many of whom I didn't--began to chime in about Steve. How he saw something in them when no one else did. How he believed in them. Taught them. Cared for them. How they knew that the AAU team in their city wouldn't have ever started if Steve hadn't been so instrumental in bringing girl's basketball to our city, and then the valley. All of these things that he was to me...he was that to literally hundreds of other girls as well.

I don't think I ever told Steve what an amazing influence he was in my life, or how much the opportunity of basketball meant to me...so thank you Steve, for everything. You are missed by so many who knew you, and I can only hope that even those who didn't know you are inspired by your amazing life.

{Steve, and his wife Joyce}

You Just Can't Have It All (A Proverbs 31 Woman Rant).

Some of you may have seen this yesterday on Instagram. The caption was: "Workout done. Now a little devo time before L wakes up. But something had to give, and today that something was dishes." YES, I now have Instagram (username: labuenavidamere) thanks to my parents, who gave me a new phone as an early birthday present! Woo!

Anyway, this post has been rolling around in my head for awhile since I happened across another blog earlier this week. The author was talking about her everyday life, and it came across something like this: 

I run my own business from home. 

I read to my boys for 30 minutes every day and make sure I do many educational activities. 

I exercise every day, with no exceptions. 

I cook every meal from scratch. 

We live on a very strict budget, and successfully meet it every month. 

My husband and I have date night once a week. 

I make it a priority to meet with friends for coffee or lunch weekly. 

I have blog posts planned out months in advance. 

I enjoy cleaning and keeping a well decorated home. 

We expect our children to behave the first time every time, even from a young age. 

I think it's important for me to get dressed and do my makeup every day.  

I spend time reading the Bible, doing devotions, and praying every day.

And I make it a point not to complain, ever, because I'm trying to be a Proverbs 31 Woman.

Basically (my words, not hers)...

Do all these things, and your life will be perfect just like mine. 

It's taken me this long to write about it, because initially I felt pretty snarky...it's hard not to read something like that and roll your eyes sometimes, no? But more and more, I'm feeling like it's a discussion that needs to be had. Especially within the Christian community lately, I've been hearing lots and lots about the "Proverbs 31 Woman" (link here, begin at verse 10), and it seems to me like a lot of people feel like it's their obligation as a woman to be the modern equivalent of the "Proverbs 31 Woman". To do all those things outlined above, perfectly. Heck there's even a very popular Facebook page that suggests that women Live 31!, and that the men in their lives would 'rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria Secret model.' There are numerous comments by Christian men that they want a "Proverbs 31 Woman" for a wife.

Can I be really (unpopularly) honest for a minute? 

Sometimes, hearing about "The Proverbs 31 Woman" in this context makes me want to vomit.

Because although it seems to be popularly held, I don't think that Proverbs 31 is actually calling us to do those things listed above. I don't think it's possible for us as women to do it all and have it all perfectly 100% of the time. To be a perfectly rounded, perfectly accomplished person who gets it right all the time. And I'm not really sure that based on Proverbs 31, it's my job to try either. 

If you'll notice, the whole verse about the Proverbs 31 woman begins with "a wife of noble character, who can find?". As in, she hasn't been found. She doesn't exist, then or now. Then, the author begins an acrostic poem. This is something that we lose in the English translation, but is basically a poem in which each line begins with the next consecutive letter of the alphabet--in other words, it's literally an A-Z listing of all the traits of this non-existent perfect woman/wife. To me, it's a child-hood daydream equivalent of "I'd like a husband with blue eyes, big muscles, who drives a nice car, goes to church every Sunday, makes me dinner every night, and brings me flowers once a week." It's not reality, and it's not meant to be a literal checklist of things that need to be done in order to be doing it right.

You'll notice that in Proverbs 31, we aren't told much about the wife's relationship with her husband. We aren't told anything about her relationship with God. We aren't told about her spiritual, emotional, or physical health. Basically, we don't know that she had it all together 100% of the time, and I really don't think we're expected to either. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't ever clean our homes, or try to spend our days the best that we can. What I'm saying is simply that we're all imperfect. I'm just saying that if you've ever felt weary trying to do it all and be it all, it's okay. I have too, especially chasing after an expectation that I've grown to believe may not be what God expects or wants of me anyhow.  

We all have days where something has to give, somewhere. 

And that's okay. 

I think it always has been.

Blast from the Past.

Yesterday, I came across this post on BlogHer about a blogger who got sued for using a photo that she didn't own on her blog. Even though she took it down as soon as requested, she still had to pay what sounds like some big bucks. Anyway, she mentioned that you're actually able to be sued, even if you've given a photo credit to the photo's proper owner (which obviously poses major issues with Pinterest, but I kind of feel like burying my head in the sand on that one for now). And that scared the ever living daylights out of me, and I got it through my head that I needed to go through every single 1250+ posts dating back to 2007 on this blog right there and THEN, or else I would surely get sued.

I tend to be black and white to a fault sometimes.

Anyway, I just about wanted to delete everything from 2007 and 2008 because probably 95% of it is complete garbage. But, they still tell the story of who I am now, so I largely refrained...aside from a few posts that just didn't make sense without the photos I was removing and/or could potentially hurt the feelings of others, and shouldn't really have been posted in the first place. I have to admit, going back through the archives was sometimes kind of cringe-worthy for me. There were lots of posts where I was a jerk. But there were also lots of posts where I was me, just as I am today. And? There were also some really hilarious ones, like that time where I got turkey guts in my eye, or when I looked like I'd been severely beaten after a garment rack fell on me.

Or this post, which I felt like perfectly summarized the hilarity and absurdity of being a new parent. 

I also came across this photo of my niece Payton from 2008:

And  I was SHOCKED at how much she looks like Lizzy to me, because I don't always think they look super similar now! I also laughed out loud, because I feel like this is a face my kiddo makes on the regular.

Sometimes it's fun to look back...even if it makes you cringe a little ;)

But anyway....I'm still just starting to get into 2010, and I'm having to remind myself that there *is* some gray area after all. For example, I doubt Old Navy is going to sue me for posting a photo off of their website and saying, "OMG I love this dress from Old Navy and want to buy it immediately!" Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm betting that's not as big of a deal as just pulling random images from Google Images.So, I'm still working on it.

Crazier than Usual...

So, on Friday the dermatologist called to tell me that the spot that she removed was not melanoma. It was actually nothing at all, other than my awesome doctor being overly cautious. Thank God!

But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'

Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '

By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.

And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.

{which is really kind of humorous if you think about it}

I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.

When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.

Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)