But with that said, this morning as I hopped out of the shower, I noticed another mole on the underside of one of my boobs. It's sort of two-colored, and I immediately found myself wondering 'Has it always been two colors? What if the dermatologist missed this one last time? I get my stitches out tomorrow...maybe I should bring it up. But it's just the nurse, not the doctor. I mean, I'm sure the doctor saw it. But what if she didn't? Has it always looked like this? I should ask Justin if it's always looked like this. But what if Justin hasn't been paying attention and what if my doctor hasn't been paying attention and what if it has changed and what if it's something bad? And what if since it's on my boob, it makes it so I can't breastfeed? Maybe I should wait a few months and watch it. My dermatologist is awesome, and I know she did a full check at my last appointment last week. I'm sure she didn't miss it. But I'm already going in tomorrow...maybe I should just bring it up? In case she did miss it? But I don't want to deal with any more stitches or anything else right not.'
Then, I noticed that where I got stung by a bee last week on my foot was all swollen again. And I found myself thinking, 'What if it wasn't a bee sting? What if it was a terrible, awful spider like a brown recluse, and what if my whole foot falls off? Or what if it was a scorpion? Do we have scorpions here in Oregon? Maybe I should Google about scorpions and make sure it isn't a scorpion. Or a spider. What if it's some terrible pregnancy condition? Should I bring it up at my OB appointment today? Oh my gosh, I have an OB appointment today. I can feel the baby kicking, but what if something's wrong? I don't know what would be wrong, but what if something is?! '
By then, I was starting to realize that I was majorly freaking out about...nothing, really. I could feel my chest tightening up with stress, and I KNEW I was stressing about silly stuff, but I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out.
And then? Because I couldn't get myself to stop freaking out, I started freaking out that my blood pressure would be too high at my OB appointment this morning.
{which is really kind of humorous if you think about it}
I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this--anxiety and worry about small stuff that you simultaneously KNOW is small stuff, and also can't stop yourself from worrying about. But I do. And it's usually when I'm worried, stressed, or have anxiety about something else entirely.
When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with being shot in the back (a kid sniped me with a BB gun) at the park last week, and then waking up the next morning to the news of the shooting in Colorado. I think that, in and of itself, may have shaken me up more than I realized. Before the last few days, being randomly shot by a person I don't know hadn't even been a blip of worry on my radar. Now it is. And it's scary. Then, over the weekend, someone died in front of my brother after falling off a ladder. Justin told me last night that a guy he knows just recently drowned. Right now, I kind of feel like DEATH AND DANGER ARE EVERYWHERE AND NO PLACE IS SAFE.
Does that sound silly? Even I think it does in a way. In the logical part of my brain. At the very least, it's pretty sensational and dramatic. There's really no point to this post, friends....and I don't mean it to be a total debbie downer post either, because I can kind of see that this is a little bit hysterical from an outside point of view. I just feel a little crazier than usual today, and felt like getting it out of my head was better than keeping it in :)
I've been having a hard time with the death and danger are everywhere thing for the last few days, too, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it, too. I think deep down we know that nothing is guaranteed safe, but then you wake up on a Friday morning and have text messages from everyone you know asking if you're ok because there was a shooting in the town you went to high school in and you realize how very vulnerable life is. And I don't like that feeling of vulnerability at all.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Meredith! I think it's very impressive that you're so knowledgeable about your skin that you can notice differences in moles - that is very important!
I struggle with this a lot; I'm always afraid everyone is going to die and that every weird feeling I get means I am having a heart attack.
ReplyDeleteI try to remember that God has not given us a spirit of fear.
I love Psalm 91
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness is a shield and a buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.....He will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways On their hands they will bear you up lest you strike your foot against a stone.
I actually told my husband the other day that I was never leaving the house again. Of course, a few hours later when the boys were DRIVING ME INSANE, I did.
ReplyDeleteI'm just like you in the sense that once something sparks a little bit of fear, I cannot forget about it. And it grows. and grows. and grows! Until I finally reach the point that I am exhausted, stressed, and so scared, and realize it has gotten me no where. Worrying gets me no where. And that's what I have to remember in times like these, which in reality, is definitely on a weekly basis.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)
) I struggled with this immensely after our friend passed away when brady was 4 months old, then we lost two more people, a friend got diagnosed with breast cancer, I could go on.It really woke me up to how scary life can be and I think had I not had a kid at the time, it would notnhave affected me as much. I think being a mom, it really makes the scary things, well, scarier :)
ReplyDeletegood news about the mole!
Tell your OB. I suffered from HORRIFYING panic attacks when I was pregnant with my third, they were debilitating. Seriously, they affected (effected?) my ability to carry out the activities of daily living. I didn't talk about it because it was weird, but after it was over, and I realized how NOT normal it was, you can believe that as soon as I got pregnant again, it was the first thing out of my mouth. Talking to her will help. Talking about this to anyone will help. It sucks, I'm so sorry. But seriously, tell your OB.
ReplyDeleteI think like that every day.
ReplyDelete