Reassembling.

There have been times over the past year where I have felt like I’m vanishing. Disappearing into thin air, and no one around me seemed to notice. 

I was still there, physically. But mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Less. 

This obviously had a lot to do with the crazy sleep deprivation that I experienced for most of 2013. Staying up from midnight to three or four AM was no biggie in college, but I could also nap whenever I wanted, and heck even skip a class or two . It wasn’t even that big of an issue when I worked full-time before Lizzy, because I had paid time off and sick days and vacation time, and heck, even a 30 minute lunch break where I could go lay in the car and nap.  But when you’re a mom, there are no sick days.  And so I trudged on, sleep deprived, feeling like a zombie, and looking like one too, I’m sure. 

I thought it would get better after the newborn phase, but it didn’t . Becca didn’t sleep. Like, ever. I think I heard about and tried, every single form of sleep training known to man. It didn’t work. She didn’t sleep, no matter what. And so I spent countless nights from midnight to 3 or 4am pacing, rocking, nursing, singing, shushing, and hiding under the covers while trying to let her cry (nope, never ended up working for her).

And that was really when everything else started to take a back seat.

Blogging? Forget it. I’d rather be sleeping. 

Reading? Nope. Rarely.

Socializing? Too tired.

Working out? Are you kidding? When? At 3am? Nope.

It felt like things kept fading away until only the things needed to survive were left, which basically meant MOM.

Mom, mom, mom, 24/7, literally. Justin worked, Justin led service at church, Justin went to school, Justin played baseball, and it was no more and no different than he’d done in past years, but somehow it felt like 100 times more to me, and I resented it, sometimes. But, I was also so exhausted that I didn’t even know how to form a coherent sentence to explain that I needed something to change. So, I mommed (and occasionally seethed). Mom, mom, mom, mom. Mooooooommmmmm.

One day, I finally broke down in tears after a date night, because I literally had nothing to talk about besides our kids or parenting. I didn’t even have house cleaning to talk about because that didn’t happen 95% of the time. And I don’t know about you, but I’d read 100 different articles that talked about the importance of cultivating your marriage around things besides your kids, and OH GOD, that was another thing I was failing at too. 

Justin would ask me to wake him up to let him help with Becca at night, but then I'd spend 40 minutes trying to wake him up, and by then Becca was so ticked that she'd wake up Lizzy, and by then, what was the point? Justin would tell me that I should take time to myself, but what in the world was I going to do? I was too tired to do anything. So, I’d sleep. And then wake up feeling guilty and cry because I felt like I’d wasted another opportunity to create an identity besides my kids. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? That I wasn't creating an identity outside of being a mom?

{Spoiler alert: It wasn’t the problem— I was just really, really, really, REALLY tired.}

Meanwhile, Becca required (requires!) the most hyper-vigilant sleep schedule in the world. Miss naptime by 3 minutes? It wasn’t happening. And bedtime probably wasn’t either. I remember those moms with Lizzy, and thinking ‘That’s no way to live! There has to be a happy medium!’

Ha. HAHAHAHAHA. 

That was all well and good and true with Lizzy, but let me tell you….with Becca, it wasn’t about living, it was about surviving. And that meant that no one was going to do anything to eff with her sleep. She napped late? The world stopped. Plans were cancelled. If Becca was sleeping? SHE WOULD NOT BE AWAKENED (or I would pay for it all night). Some kids are like that. Some kids aren’t. Some can be trained, some can’t. You do what works for them, whatever it takes. And seriously, if a former version of myself ever told you anything to the contrary, I’m so sorry.

Sleep deprivation? It is no joke, man. 

Don’t get me wrong—2013 was a year filled with amazing moments. Lots of belly laughs. Smiles. Memories that I’ll treasure forever. I look through that Flipagram video that we all made and smile so big, because we are truly so blessed, and so lucky. But let’s be real—sometimes, when you’re feeling really weary…when you feel like you’re dissolving into a fine mist…sometimes then, the knowing that you’re blessed but not feeling like it at the time… just makes it even harder. Another thing I’m doing wrong. 

Now, Becca is sleeping a little better. She’s not a great sleeper, and probably never will be, but there’s a morning, here or there, when I wake up and check my clock for the first time since I went to sleep and see 5AM, or 6AM, or sometimes even 7AM…which is a whole heck of a lot better than seeing 12AM, 1AM, 2AM, 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, and 6AM. Truly, it is amazing what a good night’s sleep will do. 

I’m reading again, a lot. 

I’m spending time in the Word, and just talking with God. 

I’m writing a little bit, here and there. Half-finished children’s books and blog posts and short stories, a curious number of which feature a character named Annabelle. 

I’m talking more with Justin about how we’re going to make it work together, and when we just need to say no more anything, no matter how worthy a cause it seems. 

I’m working out at naptime, even if it means the laundry doesn’t get done like I’d like or that the bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in a month. 

I’m feeling parts and pieces of myself beginning to fall back into focus. Become less fuzzy. Those parts were there all along, they’d just sort of dissipated and floated just past where I could see them.

It feels so much better. 

So, with all that said, if you’re there, in the thick of sleep deprivation right now, whether you have one kid or five? I get it. I understand. Forget the people who tell you that if you should be able to do x,y,and z because they did. Forget it. Do what you need to do to survive and cling to as much of your sanity as you can. No more, no less. Take a nap, any chance you get, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it :)

It’ll get better. Maybe not right away, and it may not ever feel like it, but it will, and you’ll be YOU again, I promise.