Control.

One of the songs on JJ Heller's new CD "What Love Really Means" is called Control. I recently read an article about her inspiration for that song, which she credits to a friend who battled with cutting. And it stopped me in my tracks.

I have only talked about this maybe three or four times in my life, but I battled briefly with cutting in high school. High school was hard for me--in addition to the normal questions of "Who am I? What do I believe? What do I want to do with my life?", there was a season in which I had lost a couple of friends. It was very hard. Plenty of adults reached out to me, and I can't tell you how many times I was invited to a grief support group, but I didn't ever go.

Instead, I kept my grades up. I played sports. I participated in extracurricular activities. I was an over-achiever. I hung out with friends. I went to church. I was fine. Except for sometimes, late at night, when I wasn't.

I was kind of lonely. And sad. And I hated most things about how I looked physically. And I was mad at myself for getting a B- in Physics, or missing the time goal that I set for myself in Crew. Or for not being picked for first place at a photography show. Let me be clear here and say that the expectation for perfection did NOT come from my parents. Not at all. They were kind, loving, supportive, and encouraging. They were not overbearing, nor did they put pressure on me to be the best. From the time I was little, I remember my parents saying that it was okay for us not to get A's, so long as we were doing our best. But somewhere along the line, I decided all by myself that giving my best wasn't enough. I wanted to be the best. At everything. To be in complete control. But, of course, I wasn't.

One day when I was feeling particularly down on myself, I remember overhearing a teacher pulling aside a student who had visible cut marks on her arms. I don't remember exactly what the teacher said, but it was something to the effect of asking the student why she was doing that to herself. I remember exactly what the student said. She said, "It's the only time I'm totally in control." And I remember thinking, 'Control? I want THAT.' And so later that night, I grabbed a pair of cuticle scissors and scraped and scratched at my arm until it bled. And I remember liking how it felt, so I continued to do it for several more months.

Then, by happenstance, I rented the movie Secretary, in which the main character is a cutter. It scared me. At that point, I was still scraping and scratching, but I knew how easily it could escalate to more, and so I decided that I was done. Thank goodness, I was.

Because my cutting only lasted several months and it wasn't very severe, I didn't really think that I was a real cutter. For a long time, I didn't tell even my closest friends about it...I felt like it would be begging for attention for something that wasn't really that big of a deal. But you know what? I still have a scar from it. I still don't keep cuticle scissors in my house because I'm worried that I might fall back into it again. No, it wasn't as severe as some of the other girls I knew who did it. But it wasn't nothing either. So, I'm talking about it. Even though it's really uncomfortable for me {people I know in real life read this blog--will they think differently of me?!}...but it's part of a larger issue that I think many women struggle with, which I think can manifest in a variety of different ways from eating disorders, to cutting, to promiscuity, to obsessive exercise, to obsessive cleaning.

Oh, control. It's time, time to let you go. 

-JJ Heller, Control

Ultimately, JJ Heller's song and my experience with cutting come down to a desire for control and perfection. Wanting to have control and be in control is something that I battle with along with plenty of other women--that battle didn't stop when I stopped cutting. This past year has been an incredible learning experience for me in terms of not always being in control. It's been an incredible learning experience for me in terms of my faith--my faith calls me to LET GO of my desire to control and to simply trust in God. But that wasn't something that I was doing with any regularity. If I couldn't handle it on my own, then maybe I'd go to God about it. When really, if I'm adhering to the tenants of my faith, I'm called to give it to God first. To let Him be the one in control, not me.

It's still a battle for me to relinquish control and to feel like it's okay to admit that I'm not perfect. But I'm starting to learn that when I can do it, it's such a blessing.

PS- If you think someone in your life is a cutter, please check out this website:

{To Write Love On Her Arms}