Pregnancy Post: Week 15

Today is either 15w on the nose (by LMP) or 15 weeks, 6 days (by ultrasounds). The baby is now about 4 inches long, and weighs about 2.5 oz. For a visual, that's about the size of a Naval Orange. The limbs are now fully functional, and the baby is squirming all around, though I'm not feeling any movement at this point. I hear that's something that I can look forward to somewhere between weeks 16-20 (all you new mommas out there--when did you first feel movement?).

As far as I'm doing, I think I'm finally starting to feel somewhat normal again. After a terrible Monday, in which I went to bed at 5:00pm, I've actually had two days of feeling okay. My congestion isn't terrible, and I don't feel like I need a nap all the time. I've even cooked dinner every night so far this week! I also went to the gym on Wednesday night for the first time since the nausea hit hardcore around 8 weeks.

My boss told me the other day, "Oh, you're at that stage in pregnancy that I hated the most--where you're starting to get a belly, but not one that's totally obvious that you're pregnant yet. And people start to gossip about whether you're pregnant or just getting chubby." Yep. I'm there.

Still, I'm battling with myself, and this time it's all mental. For one, I have a hard time when I haven't seen or heard the baby's heartbeat in awhile. I thought about renting a home doppler since they're so cheap, but J asked me not to after he heard that sometimes because of position you just can't hear the heartbeat. We both know that I would be flipping out if that were to happen, and I could see myself being totally obsessed about it.

The other thing that's hard for me is just this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Any time I seem to click on a random blog from a blogroll, it's a mother that's lost her baby during or shortly after her pregnancy. Any time I randomly open my Bible, it seems to land on verses about our days being numbered, God being with us in times of grief, or about believing even in times of trial. I really haven't purchased anything for the baby, nor have I started cleaning out his or her room. I'm having a hard time buying maternity clothes, even though I need them. I'm knitting a blanket, but even there I have a hard time actually saying that it's for the baby.

I don't know what the deal is. It's almost as if I'm trying not to get too attached at this point, but I'm already unbelievably attached. Pregnancy has been HARD for me, and I haven't really enjoyed it, but I wouldn't give up this baby for anything. I would be devestated if anything were to happen. I have a hard time keeping my mind from wondering, "What if all this anxiety and these "signs" are to prepare me for bad news that's to come." Now, instead of being physically tired, I'm mentally tired.

My next appointment is August 4th. Even though he really doesn't need to come, Sweet Justin is planning to come with me. Not only does it help to have someone else there hearing what the doctor is telling me, but I have this irrational fear that if something is to go wrong, it will be at an appointment that Justin isn't at, and I'll have to tell him myself. I'm telling you, I'm a hormonal basket case. Anyway, I doubt we will have an ultrasound, but we should at least hear the heartbeat on the doppler, which I'm hoping will ease my fears for a little while.

Maybe it'll all feel more real once I actually feel the baby moving? Or once I start going to the doctor more often?