Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pregnancy Post: Week 15

Today is either 15w on the nose (by LMP) or 15 weeks, 6 days (by ultrasounds). The baby is now about 4 inches long, and weighs about 2.5 oz. For a visual, that's about the size of a Naval Orange. The limbs are now fully functional, and the baby is squirming all around, though I'm not feeling any movement at this point. I hear that's something that I can look forward to somewhere between weeks 16-20 (all you new mommas out there--when did you first feel movement?).

As far as I'm doing, I think I'm finally starting to feel somewhat normal again. After a terrible Monday, in which I went to bed at 5:00pm, I've actually had two days of feeling okay. My congestion isn't terrible, and I don't feel like I need a nap all the time. I've even cooked dinner every night so far this week! I also went to the gym on Wednesday night for the first time since the nausea hit hardcore around 8 weeks.

My boss told me the other day, "Oh, you're at that stage in pregnancy that I hated the most--where you're starting to get a belly, but not one that's totally obvious that you're pregnant yet. And people start to gossip about whether you're pregnant or just getting chubby." Yep. I'm there.

Still, I'm battling with myself, and this time it's all mental. For one, I have a hard time when I haven't seen or heard the baby's heartbeat in awhile. I thought about renting a home doppler since they're so cheap, but J asked me not to after he heard that sometimes because of position you just can't hear the heartbeat. We both know that I would be flipping out if that were to happen, and I could see myself being totally obsessed about it.

The other thing that's hard for me is just this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Any time I seem to click on a random blog from a blogroll, it's a mother that's lost her baby during or shortly after her pregnancy. Any time I randomly open my Bible, it seems to land on verses about our days being numbered, God being with us in times of grief, or about believing even in times of trial. I really haven't purchased anything for the baby, nor have I started cleaning out his or her room. I'm having a hard time buying maternity clothes, even though I need them. I'm knitting a blanket, but even there I have a hard time actually saying that it's for the baby.

I don't know what the deal is. It's almost as if I'm trying not to get too attached at this point, but I'm already unbelievably attached. Pregnancy has been HARD for me, and I haven't really enjoyed it, but I wouldn't give up this baby for anything. I would be devestated if anything were to happen. I have a hard time keeping my mind from wondering, "What if all this anxiety and these "signs" are to prepare me for bad news that's to come." Now, instead of being physically tired, I'm mentally tired.

My next appointment is August 4th. Even though he really doesn't need to come, Sweet Justin is planning to come with me. Not only does it help to have someone else there hearing what the doctor is telling me, but I have this irrational fear that if something is to go wrong, it will be at an appointment that Justin isn't at, and I'll have to tell him myself. I'm telling you, I'm a hormonal basket case. Anyway, I doubt we will have an ultrasound, but we should at least hear the heartbeat on the doppler, which I'm hoping will ease my fears for a little while.

Maybe it'll all feel more real once I actually feel the baby moving? Or once I start going to the doctor more often?


  1. Ack! You look so cute I can hardly stand it!

  2. Oh hun, you look adorable and not chubby at all! I can't imagine the anxiety you are going through. I'll be praying that everything continues to go well for you!

  3. Don't let your anxiety ruin the best gift possible and remember if something does happen, which I don't think it will since the doctor said the baby is fine, it is all in God's plan. My anxiety was worse when I got pregnant; I used to take a bath alone and that seemed to help me a lot. DON"T DRINK ANYTHING WITH CAFFINE, it makes anxiety worse!(Chocolate has caffine in it)

    I starting feeling my babies at 4 or 5 months. It's the scariest thing the first time but when you realize what it is, it's amazing.

    I'll be praying for you. It will all be ok.

  4. Oh yeah, you look beautiful. Pregnancy only enhances a woman beauty. It's the truth.

  5. You look SO cute! And it's natural to worry. I wish I could tell you that the worrying will end onve pregnancy is over, but as a mother, it doesn't. I still worry about my baby and he's 8 months old! I think it's a natural part of being a caring, nurturing and great mother. Just try not to let it take over your experience of being pregnant. It will also get much easier when you can feel him/her punching you in the ribs to let you know he's OK! =)

  6. You look great! I can't wait until I can feel the baby moving too, because I'm just like you, and I'm full of anxiety!

  7. I think your little baby bump is just precious. :-)

    The emotions you are going through I think are completely normal. Remember that God has a plan, and HIS plan is always better than ours, but know that He is looking out for both you and the baby. I will keep you in my prayers.

  8. I was the same way as you, so filled with anxiety. It never really started to go away for me until my 20 wk ultrasound when I was finally able to see the baby and it provided me with some relief. It doesnt really feel real until that point, then even after that u cant help but being worried still!. Hang in there, u look great!

  9. Advice from an atheist: The human brain is hardwired to recognize patterns, which helps us in no small amount of basic tasks (including stuff as simple as recognizing faces). Our brains are so dependent on pattern-recognition, however, that often they project patterns where none exist. So... don't worry too much; everything will be all right.

    I'm with you on anxiety, though. Mine is driving me crazy. And I don't have another being living inside me. Unless you count the tree THAT I AM SURE IS INSIDE MY LUNG!!!!!

    So, uh, yeah, I guess the point of the story is at least you don't have a fir tree in your lung.

  10. Hi -- I stumbled onto your blog this morning and just wanted to speak this over you this morning!

    2 Timothy 1:7:
    7For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

    Don't allow fear to spoil this sweet time! You can do it!

  11. I have always found this part of pregnancy hilarious. My friend and I were shopping and she was about 16 weeks along and the girl at the cash register asks her "when are you due?" my friend looked at me and then looked back at the teller and said, um? I'm not due, I'm fat!" oh the poor girl's face dropped. but it would be SO fun to mess with people just for your own self amusement


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