Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quick Update.

Today, we got most of the new house painted. Living room, hallways, dining room, and kitchen are all done. Master bed is the only thing left to be done (we aren't painting spare bedrooms or baths for now). None of the paint is exactly what I had hoped for, but it's growing on me. Hopefully, we'll be able to move some of the big furniture in tomorrow.

I got some sad news today. Some friends will moving across the US. I was left pretty speechless, and my heart is definitely heavy. I understand the decision, but I'm still praying for another way right now. I know that's selfish of me, and I really should be praying that God's will be done in all this, and not my own. But right now, I'm just sad and want things to end differently.

Also, the situation feeds into a psychological complex that I have. When I was in high school, about 4 friends of mine died over the span of a year. When I think back on high school, grief is the first word I think of. After that, I made a few new friends, we became close, and then most of them moved away. We didn't keep in touch. It felt like grief all over again. Since then, I've found myself putting up walls--not letting myself become to attached or too close to others, for fear that they too will die or end up moving away. I know it's irrational, but for the longest time, I honestly thought that it was ME who caused the situations to occur. And for a long time, I didn't really let anyone all the way in. Even if we were close, they were still at an emotional distance. With the aforementioned friend, I made a conscious decision NOT to put up a wall. To work hard at jumping into the friendship with both feet. I am praying that I will be able to continue to keep my guard down until this person leaves--I know I will be battling with myself not to be putting those walls back up now that I know they are leaving. I have a tendency to do that--to almost sever ties preemptively so that it doesn't hurt as much when that person is gone. I am trying hard not to do that here.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense to most of you. Friends and family members of yours probably move all the time, and it's no biggie. I KNOW. But to me, it just feels much closer to the cold grief than anything else. I understand, but I'm also sad.

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